I am the one that got away…

For those of you who have read my blog before (Kadja2), you know that there is one person I refer to as “my favorite mistake”.  He was a co-worker in a prison and needless to say, I learned that it is imperative to never get your honey where you make your money.   When people come at you and try to lure you into their prisons that they build for themselves, there are warning signals.  When a person won’t take you to meet their family, that’s warning sign number one.   When they never seem to be there for you when you need them the most, that’s warning sign number two. 

I escaped from the prison he was planning to keep me in.  I decided to move on with my life over 18 months ago.  He’s tried to call, but I don’t return the calls and I don’t answer the text messages.  When I get to where I am going I plan to change my phone number and only give it to close friends and family, like I did before.  I can truly say that I am free of him.

I closed my eyes today (per someone else’s suggestion) and imagined that he pulled into my driveway.  I then imagined that although he tried to get my attention and such, I never heard him.  A tow truck came and got his vehicle, as he chased behind it.  There were oil stains and such  out there so as he disappeared, I threw cat litter on them and cleaned it up.  The driveway was clean and he chased his truck into infinity because I never saw him again.

I like to come home in the evening, write and read a book, drink my mexican hot chocolate and then dream of seeing other places.  I long to go to Peru or somewhere to volunteer for a few months, but I need to get some things taken care of first.  I’ve thought of Costa Rica too!  I have a life to live and I plan to enjoy it.  I am alone, but  not really  lonely.  I admit that it would be nice to have that soul that I can say is home to my own, but I don’t know if it will happen or when and I am not going to worry about it. I don’t raise the bar too high either.  I have always accepted people as they are.

I was married twice to men in the military. I have no problem with being apart if we have to be, but I do have a problem with a person who doesn’t trust me when he would be away.  When a man gets jealous when he cannot be with me, it sends up a red flag because I learned one hard lesson from my upbringing.  Southerners say this often: “The hen that cackles the loudest is the one laying the egg.”   I got  married at 19, a mom on my 20th birthday.  Three months later, soldier #1 left me for a 19-year-old in Colorado.  The link below accurately describes the situation rather well.  I know I use music links a lot, but my life connects with music–all kinds of music.  I can listen to any genre accept OPERA.  Don’t ask why but most opera music gets to me. If I watch it on TV and mute it with subtitles, I like that because then I can tell what the bloody story is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_mwbCw4utI     (Terri Clark)

The song above “She Didn’t Have Time” by Terri Clark sums up what I went through when ex #1 ran off.  

The program you are looking at above, Insanity by Shaun T., saved my sanity…Funny that Insanity IS what it is called.  I’ve got the deluxe set.  My next goal is to get Brazil Butt Lift and go back to doing 2 a days.  If you want to know more about it, friend me on Facebook and email me!  I lost 30 lbs and dropped down from a size 18 to a 14 in FORTY days!  It is tough, it is intense and you won’t regret it but if you have back and knee problems, you’ll want to do something lighter, like Chalean Extreme.  Turbo Jam is cool and so is Hip Hop Abs…It took purging my memories of my exes and making room for this to improve my self-esteem.

I also recommend finding a “sacred” place to go to.  This will be YOUR place.  This is where you go to reflect, pray, cry or whatever you do to get in touch with what some call “your higher self”.  I talk to God…Simple as that.  Meditate however you wish, but I’d rather talk with God, the Great Spirit or whatever.  I am part Comanche so I have to be among nature to really feel alive.  This cold weather gets to me.  It also reminds me of when I had to get away from the 2nd ex.  I caught him with a baby sitter.  I should have left right afterward, but DUMMY me tried forgiving.  It didn’t work.  He kept trying to get around other women.  Once the trust was gone, and I heard him tell my best friend “Oh I never really loved her.” that killed what was left of our marriage.

I  love this image below…It could be because I am part Comanche, but there is just something so peaceful about it.  I found that the Comanches typically made their raids for captive, horses and such during a full moon.  I love being out under a full moon, but it is to bask in the beauty of its light.  I have always loved being under the light of a full moon–especially when I am at a beach or by a river.  I love watching its rays dance across the waves, and the feel of a gentle Spring or Summer breeze…I feel totally loved in those moments-and at peace with all that is around me.  Some day I would love to go out on a moonlit beach in Costa Rica or something…It really doesn’t matter where in the world I am at,  as long as I can get to my sacred place…May you find yours as well, wherever you might be…

I also have jewelry made for myself by a very talented artist when I have money.  I spent a lot of time and money helping others, but neglected me. That time is now past.  It is my time.  I kicked the last cell door down on my life and am going to live it.  I am taking an ESL course as well.  It will open up more doors for me and I am ready for that. 

If you are ready to make a change in your life, the time is now.  One cannot let yesterday throw up pictures in their faces because it is gone–over with–and dead.  The future is another item we have no control over.  Why worry over that which is already done and that which we are uncertain about?  It makes no bloody sense whatsoever!  I have right here, in this moment, peace.  I will live as I will.  If anyone has a problem with that, all I have to say is, “Have a nice day”!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCg2BoKiuOM      (Bon Jovi)

Nothing like a Bon Jovi number to get off to a great Saturday Night! I am glad I got away from those emotional prisons, because living a lie is the worst type of vacuüm one can ever let themselves get sucked into!

One comment on “I am the one that got away…

  1. Again….. speechless… I can hardly believe it. I speak through music too! Drives my family absolutely crazy. And when Mom’s singin’… they know…. DON’T say a word. I’ve got 3-5 minutes to sing my heart out and destress when a favorite comes on the radio. That’s not too much too ask. Leave me alone!

    Now, that’s not to say they always listen, but they’re starting to figure out that if they piss me off, I’m just gonna sing louder and sing AT them. LOL They really hate that, so they usually just wait it out. 😉

    You’ll find it no surprise that it was a very possesive man, not my husband, but my BFF who treated me much like what you discribe above. And having grown up with a mom who seemed to gravitate to the abusive, alcoholics didn’t make for a very stable childhood. But my Father above has carried me through it all. I talk to him anywhere, anytime, and have tried to teach my children the same. Also, my mother died from cancer when I was 19, and my father left when I was 3 so my “father-figure” was my grandpa. He loved the Lord & taught me of the Father’s love through his own unconditionally loving ways. No matter what I did, he loved me. He may not have agreed with the path I chose at 15 but he understood, better than anyone, compared to home with my mom, my 20 year old boyfriend was the LESSER of the two evils. Unfortunately I lost him 9 mos. before my mom died.

    For a long time I felt like I’d been orphaned. But over the years my mother-in-law has been wonderfully supportive and I’ve grown to love her very much. And I have my Heavenly father. I guess that means I’m not an orphan. 😉

    I love reading your posts. Thanks for sharing.

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