My top 10 Villains (Actors and Actresses)–Updated with Pics

I know a lot of people won’t agree with my picks…I’ll give my honorable mentions at the end.  However, I tend to judge by an older standard anyway and these listed meet it.  These are actors that did not short change their fans in the parts I watched.  Some got stereotyped and others didn’t get the mention they deserved…Well, they get it here!  Besides, it gives me a breather from my novel    😀

10.  Shelley Winters  (A Patch of Blue)  In this one, she played a  HO  I WANTED to slap!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAK4iYYcHg8

9.    Barbara Stanwyck    (Double Indemnity)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Z-JiVSVrpo&feature=related

8.    Dame Judith Anderson (Rebecca)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxO68PacfxE&NR=1

7.    Glenn Close  (Fatal Attraction)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZHe3GYQp_8

6.    Al Pacino  (Scarface)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZRKGHB8GxQ

5.    Jack Nicholson  (The Shining)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7JB68sLGY8

4.  Farah Fawcett (Small Sacrifices)   ***An actress that didn’t get the recognition I feel she deserved!  This actress played this bitch to the hilt!***

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2c2fAhYkqI&feature=related

3.   Ben Cross (Dark Shadows 1991)  Ben Cross as Barnabas!  And he was the best frigging  Barnabas too! The difference in this character and most “villains” is this character is not a villain by choice–but by necessity.  This character is probably the only villain I could have any empathy for because his plight is forced upon him.  However, the beast is not something he can always control. The man playing this character is, in my opinion,  the most  UNDERAPPRECIATED actor on the planet! My only regrets were that it ended after only 12 episodes–and Angelique didn’t get HER butt kicked!  If you watch these episodes,  Ben tempered that character  just enough to make him realistic to an audience that used to run home from kindergarten to watch the original Dark Shadows with Jonathan Frid! As much as I loved Frid as a child, this guy made that part his own. In doing so, the bar got raised too high for anyone who follows in my opinion.  Not even Johnny Depp could pull it off.  Sorry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_zoTfRmm9o

I definitely wouldn’t want to be on his bad side after watching the clip in that link!

2.     Bette Davis (Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?)–*Just to note–when she played a bitch–she played it right!*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTtpDwrKaxo&playnext=1&list=PLE42FFF75FF785B0D

She should have received an Oscar for this one!

1.    Anthony Hopkins  (Silence of the Lambs) ***Need I say more here?!***

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMVqIISyp60&playnext=1&list=PL260A1CBFB75E6CF4

Honorable mentions:  Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight),  Faye Dunaway (Mommy Dearest),  Elizabeth Montgomery (Amos), Ricardo Montalban (The Wrath of Kahn) , Bruce Dern (Silent Running), Cherlize Theron (Monster), Powers Boothe (Guyana Tragedy:  The Story of Jim Jones), Patty McCormack (The Bad Seed) and Chuck Connors (Roots)

I know that a lot won’t agree with my list and that is fine…Like I said, these are my picks…I think every blogger should make a list of SOME sort.  There is a common thread I noticed between Ben Cross and Anthony Hopkins.  They have very intense eyes…That is one thing I notice when an actor plays a part–if the character is “in the eyes” and they can both pull that off without a hitch.   A lot of younger actors cannot pull that off today.

The Kid who WANTS to stay after school…

This is going to sound harsh, but when a kid wants to stay after school, volunteering to take trash for every teacher in the building, cleaning erasers (for those that still have blackboards), arranging books, etc…Let him or her do it–but make sure that if that kid is acting as if scared to go home–don’t drill the kid with a million and one questions.  Let your school counselor handle that or the principal because you do NOT want that monkey on your back.  You can make an anonymous phone call if you like, especially if the student seems to be afraid to go home, but whatever you do, let that kid have the sanctuary even if just for a half hour while you go to another room to do something else after you’ve locked down your computer or whatever.

If the kid starts hanging out with the maintenance people instead of going home, have the counselor or principal talk to the child.  Sometimes it is true that there is something going on at home that needs to be dealt with, and other times the kid has other stuff going on inside of his or her head that he or she may need help for, but is too afraid to tell Mom or Dad.

Why am I advising this?  I was such a child.  Back in the days I did that, my teachers were powerless except for two items:  Detention hall and tutoring.  If I couldn’t stay after of my volition; they KNEW I was acting up to get a  one hour detention hall.  I don’t know HOW they knew but they did.   My school was my sanctuary.  It was a refuge.  I would stay as late as 5 p.m. and a teacher always either gave me a ride to my grandmother’s house or followed to make sure I got there alright if I wanted to walk slowly. 

They always knew when I walked in with dark circles under my eyes that something wasn’t right at home.  If I fell asleep, they knew I had a very bad night, but I wouldn’t show the marks or even talk about the prison cell I called my home.  I never knew what to expect when I walked in.  Sometimes my stepmother, Judy, would be normal and lucid.  At other times, she would pick me up and throw me across the room.  One time she threw me into a wall, and another time into the kitchen counter for being late.  I never said a word about this–not even to my sister or my mother.

I would go into my room and stay there for the most part, being careful to try to avoid her.  One night a teacher called and told her I had to stay after school for extra tutoring because I was having trouble in math class.  Ten minutes later the science teacher called also.   They never knew it but I got a belt taken to me by her and told if my grades weren’t up to her standards in two weeks, I’d get worse.  My dad wasn’t home and she said if I told him or anyone else, she’d “take care of me real quick”.  Having been around her long enough to deal with her crap, I knew what she meant.  There were many times she pointed a gun at my head.  I never talked about it–even after she committed suicide  with that gun.

My response to her threat was to not bring my grades up.  I deliberately made sure of it.  That way I could be away from her for longer.  After that, she tried to say I was “retarded” and all kinds of crap to the point that she and my dad were fighting each other.  I’d go hide out on top of the garage roof until 1 or 2 in the morning to avoid the bull.  They day she shot herself was the day my dad kicked her out of the house.  I didn’t believe that she was dead when they pulled me out of class and broke the news to me either. 

There were many nights after the funeral I would have nightmares about her coming after me in zombie form–.22 in hand.  I woke up in cold sweats more than once.  I often slept with a butcher knife under my pillow and NOT a soul knew about that either. It was one thing to tolerate the bullies and the idiots I had to deal with day after day,  but when I had to go home to my own little piece of hell, that was another story.  I often would snap and just disengage from life.  My escape was through writing and through reading books.  I also watched old movies. If I really wanted to block out the world, I put on a set of headphones and rocked out full blast to whatever struck my fancy when–which could be anything from ABBA to ZZ TOP and all things in between depending on how old I was. 

One would think that after going through something like this that I would have ventured out and became more outgoing, but I didn’t.  I preferred to live in my cocoon that I built for myself.  I didn’t feel safe at school due to some bullying–but it got taken care of.  However, I still didn’t trust my peers. I rarely went out.  When I went to prom in my Junior year, some people were surprised.  When I showed up for the Senior prom, it shocked the school, I think.  I was even in my Senior play and did well in UIL journalism and such.  I made myself do all that–and take the class trip…I also made myself stay in Band my last 3 years of school.  It got me away from her.  Ironically,  I was still acting like this 18 months after she died.  I don’t know why to this day.  I did my occasional sneaking off to shop after I got paid or whatever–but I went alone.  I preferred it. 

The bottom line is I felt that maybe in her madness, she was correct when she said things like, “You can’t have friends” or “You aren’t pretty enough to be with anyone when you get older so you might as well join the Air Force”–and worse…I won’t repeat the horrible stuff she said.  Being that the bullies at school tended to get to me, I’m surprised I didn’t go off.  Then I got invited to a friend’s house for dinner one night about a year before her death.  My dad pissed her off and let me go.  This was different.  These people didn’t yell at each other or anything.  If someone dropped something, it was okay–they didn’t get hit.

About  six  years ago I totally freaked out because I accidentally broke an antique mixing bowl that belonged to my paternal grandmother when I dropped something on it–I didn’t drop the bowl itself.  My sister said, “It’s okay, Tina.  It’s just a bowl.”  “But it was Grannie‘s.” was what I said.  She just kept saying it was okay over and over.  She even came over and held me as I was crying at one point.  What she didn’t realize was that this triggered another memory I blocked out.  I got thrown across the kitchen and into a wall when I accidentally broke Judy’s favorite bowl while washing dishes. 

Anyway, years later I began to open up about it.  That was when I realized I wasn’t the “bad” kid or the “crazy nerd kid”.  Some of my favorite teachers told me point-blank that they knew something was wrong at home and they asked me how I was able to deal with it.  I shocked them.  I told them the first thing I had to do.  I had to forgive Judy.  I had come to the realization that she was mentally ill.  I finally understood the issues that were going on after talking at length with my sister about it.  The second thing I had to do was accept that I am not to blame for the actions she took.  I was a child. 

Now I want to give you some food for thought.  I was that kid that had caring teachers who took time for me when they didn’t have to.  I wanted to give back.  I still don’t think I can ever give back enough, but I can attest to this much–kids who were bullied back then often fantasized about making bullies “disappear” or wishing them “into the cornfield” and there isn’t a person alive that doesn’t know what that means.  Those of us who were bullied often wondered what it would have been like if we could be rid of the bullies for one day–or better yet–for life.  We actually talked about it.  Again I ask that same question from my bullying blogs, “What made it okay for a person to ever cross that line and actually act out on their fantasies?”

How many more Columbines will it take? Jonesboros? How many more suicides?  Can anyone answer that?  We’ve had more recent shootings also.  Even when you have caring teachers who do take time as mine did, why would the kids put them in the line of fire?  Has anyone ever asked these things?  I think we should.   Some of the ones who bullied me are totally different people today.  One would never know how cruel they were in high school, and they often choose not to remember the hurt they inflicted.  I have had classmates that I do not remember bullying me for the life of me contact me apologizing.  Maybe they were bystanders or something, but I honestly do not remember them bullying me and I told them so.  As far as I’m concerned, they’ve done nothing to me.

I will close with some questions:  Where does this bullying type of behavior begin?  Where do the kids learn it? At home? In the movies? WHAT?!  Have we really degraded our own society too much to the point that as parents we can’t fix this issue ourselves?  I would not mind getting the “right” answer for those questions, if they do exist. Is this going to be something we have to create penal codes for or should we just insert it into categories under the current penal code–such as assault, aggravated assault with a weapon, etc…?

Waiting for You & The Road I’ve Travelled

 

WAITING FOR YOU

I leapt from the top of the cliff, my wings beating more swiftly than the wind that gave me speed. I swooped down to see the grasslands below and then made a right turn and headed for the south. Instinctively I knew when it was time to leave my nest and go toward the sea, but I waited for you until I could wait no more.

As my brothers and sisters took flight, I stayed just a little way behind them, hoping to find you among them, as we crossed many mountains and rivers. You never came. I then swooped upward into the mist and rose high above it thinking that you played a game of hide and seek.

I began to grow tired as the bright glow I could see was now becoming shades of blues, purples and pinks. I knew I had to stop for the night. As stars began to appear, I took rest with my brothers and sisters. After many days we reached the shore of our new home. As the sun greeted me the next morning, we again began to jostle around and move about, continuing our existence. And I went on living, still waiting for you.

THE ROAD I’VE TRAVELLED

Another winding road–twisting in all directions
taking me with it at every turn like a rushing wind
and not giving me reprieve for one second–
Until I call on Calypso to take charge
So I can just take in the rain she gives
While standing still as that road keeps winding…

***Note: May not be reproduced without permission. To get permission, email me at bahpofficer@yahoo.com***

Westboro Baptist Church–Political Organizations Should NOT be Tax Exempt!

My son came home from the war in Afghanistan almost 2 years ago.  There was a  point during which I wondered if I would ever really have him back, because he is not the same young man who left home.  Then today, someone pointed  out to me that he is here–just buried inside somewhere.  I think she is right.  Over the past couple of years, he has composed and played music again.  He can sing also.  That is one thing that this war cannot take from him–his passion for music.

He also has a love for animals–which is one thing this war could not change.  Here is a link to an interview he did with GQ while he was in Afghanistan.  I was upset when I read it, not because of the war itself, but it was because I could see in his own words what the war was doing to him.

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/big-issues/200904/obama-afghanistan-iraq-war-troops

It may have been my intuition but there were times I couldn’t sleep at night wondering if my boy was safe.   When he came home, I realized that he had been discharged a bit early–not by much.  I found out why a month later.  He was hurt when an IED exploded–killing others, but he survived.  He didn’t let the hospital tell us either because he knew he was going to live.  He said, “I didn’t want them to worry you, Mom.”  Right…He knew I worried anyway, but he knew I would have told my employer to take a hike if I had to and I would have been on the next military hop to Germany.

Now that he is back, he has been diagnosed with PTSD  and depression, along with some physical issues from the blast.  He can play piano as beautifully as he did before he left and he can still compose and sing.  These are the only two things that really give him a sense of purpose at the moment.  I intend to get him the program he wants to laying out his music on his computer as soon as I can get it.  I do not voice my opinions or show a lot of what I feel around him, but there is not much I won’t do for that young man who could have lost his life doing his duty.

Then there are those detractors who will go and protest a dead soldier’s funeral, but they don’t have the guts to show up to protest at a VFW fundraiser.  Why?  They have no cojones.   I am referring to those cult followers of the Westboro Baptist Church–and I shouldn’t call them a church because they are a political organization.  I feel that they should be audited and their tax exempt status revoked.  If they are receiving donated funds that are supposed to be used for charitable purposes, they should have to prove what they are using it for.  I also think that they are a modern-day cult at its worst.

Political rallies (which is what these protests are) are not EDUCATIONAL either if that is what they want to try to claim.  There is a huge difference between education and indoctrination.  Their own words condemn them as much as their actions.  They are a political organization spreading hate speech about military service members (many of whom die daily to protect their rights to act like fools), Jews and homosexuals–among other things.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Westboro_Baptist_Church

While Wikipedia is a good place to start, I am going to put images here that should seal the deal for revoking their status.  If any other preacher that is actually with the Baptist Convention (which none of the denominations claim this bunch) were to do this, the Federal Government would have taken swift action, so why has this so-called church NOT been audited?  They call Barack Obama the anti-christ and say all kinds of stuff that put them in the same league as Jeremiah Wright.  Too many of these nuts and fanatics, which is what they are, are crossing lines that people would face jail time over under Bill Clinton–that is for sure!  A charge called “sedition” would cover it if treason wouldn’t. First, here is my favorite message to that group the WBC:

Appropriate for this bunch of fanatics...

 

I don’t know about the rest of you, but this does not sound Christian to me…Just listen to it.  Then get back to me. Click play at the top left of the page.  It’s nothing but hate speech and crap from that WBC group–and for  this “parody” (If you can call it that) I am quite surprised that Lady Gaga has not sued yet.  As I stated, to me it is hate speech…I am no fan of hers, and I often criticize some of her antics but this is so depraved that I would not blame her if she did sue.

http://meganphelpsroper.tumblr.com/post/653165655/ever-burn-wbc-parody-of-lady-gagas

And then the WBC will  put children into the mix.  Can they be charged for this type of crap?

I think it is a travesty that my son and others who survived, as well as  the many sons and daughters who did not, have either been wounded or killed defending the rights of those who constantly spread hate speech about them.  Groups like this are a shame to this country and should be scrutinized if they are tax exempt.  I deal daily with watching my son’s struggle.  I promise you not ONE of these detractors will ever do this to a live soldier or show up to protest a VA function either.  They only protest the dead because they can’t defend themselves.  That makes these fanatics nothing more than cowards.

In the meantime, I am thankful every day for my son’s presence.  I still hug him even though he doesn’t like that as much as he did before he left.  He knows that it is  a “mom thing”.  I have lunch or dinner with my boys when I can.  I will say this, they are grown men, but I would lay down my life for them in a heartbeat.  They know it too.  I just wish they didn’t have to deal with today’s crap.  I don’t think any parent wants their kid to deal with what is going on in today’s world.  We never would have thought this possible even 10 years ago.

I do have some bad news for the Westboro Baptist Church, though.  It does say in every bible I have read that “…Judgment begins with the house of God…” That tells me that groups like this will get theirs long before anyone they condemn will if that is the case.

Lessons about A Few Words…

I can just see what people will be thinking when they see the title of this post, but it’s not about what many think.  This is not about the “F” word or any other vernacular word one might think of…This is about words that changed me from the creature I was in my youth.  I was very afraid of forgiving people.  Once I was hurt, I tended to turn away never to look back.  Don’t get me wrong–I only did it when it was something severe, but it was a coping mechanism I had that made me withdraw from people.   I felt that if this is what humanity is about, I’m better off being a loner–and a loner I was.  What people do not understand is that it is hell trying to be around people after some of what I’ve experienced–but I make myself do it.

The use of the rough comments got me sent to the counselor’s office for what was merely a mechanism for my protection.  Those who followed a crowd and not the beat of their own drum never impressed me.  This is why when the cliques tried to “put me in my place” in their social pecking order in school, they usually got a rude awakening–fast. I always loved it when they found out I was making money so they’d try to befriend me so that I would buy them something (and yes in school this happened).   When someone is being “too nice” I learned early on in life that it was always with an ulterior motive from my point of view.  Even in adult circles there is always that one person who has “friends” on payday but when they are broke, those people don’t have time for him or her.

That same person is also the one these people “borrow money” from and never want to pay back.  There are two groups of people who I never lend money to:  relatives and co-workers.  Sounds harsh?  I’ve seen money issues tear more families apart than anything else on the planet.   I’ve seen it ruin friendships too. A mom loans her son $1400 to pay his car note off.  He promises to pay it back.  The job market goes kaput and by now this guy and his wife are having a baby.  His hours got cut  back to part-time so they move in with MOM.  They agree on certain terms and he pays on those terms, but comes in one night and announces he has two plane tickets to Las Vegas and wants to take the mom-to-be there for a weekend.  The tickets cost him $1500 on his credit card.  He’s only paid Mom $300 of the loan back.  He has only paid his part of what they agreed upon on the bills.  She doesn’t know about his credit card purchases but she gets highly pissed because he spent money on a credit card that he probably will have trouble paying, has a baby on the way, still owes her money but he’s taking a vacation instead of looking for a full-time position…Hmm…Sound familiar?

The animosity Mom feels most likely will get taken out on the daughter-in-law, too.  I’ve seen that happen a LOT! Then they all get mad and stop speaking to each other.  Is that bull worth it? NO.  Better to GIVE what you CAN afford to NOT receive back as a GIFT and that way one doesn’t sweat bullets over BS to the point that it creates World War 3. It is also better for those doing the borrowing to just be up front and honest about the inability to pay it back.  I respect the person who says, “Hey…I don’t know if I’ll be able to pay this back any time soon but…” than one who borrows and then says NOTHING and won’t talk about it.  If one only lends a small amount, then he/she is less likely to get upset if someone can’t pay it back.  That means there is some hurt but NO animosity.

Now one might be asking is this about “giving”?  No.  It goes deeper than that.  It’s about two key words people don’t usually have a true grasp of the meaning of:  LOVE and FORGIVENESS. 

First I am going to tell  you what I think love does:  Love heals, uplifts, unifies, embraces, comforts, brings peace, adds joy, dispels darkness in others’ hearts, encourages, and when put to the test–it bloody well  delivers.  Take a look at the disaster 10 days after the Tsunami hit Japan…What do we see?  We see people remaining calm, helping each other, and already trying to get on a path of rebuilding, comforting and bringing peace the broken hearts of the people. 

We see other countries uniting to help in whatever possible way they can to relieve some of the suffering, and as those people from other countries are within those borders with rescue dogs and equipment rescuing people–there is none of this–“Oh you are this or that, you couldn’t possibly understand what I feel–”  No! You see them acting as one team, one body, operating in unison and keeping time to a beat that is in line with the hearts of the people there.  There is no division now.  At first, some people went on a bit of what seems to be “self-promotion” but it passed quickly.  Not  even Kim Jong Il is acting up now since this happened.  We see people who might not have ever met clinging to each other and trying so hard to rebuild their lives.  What is their coping mechanism?  You guessed it: LOVE! 

Love is forgiving .  Does it mean you forget?  It can, depending upon the circumstances.  According to what people read in the bible, God forgets sins when he forgives them, but we are not God.  One can forgive, but that certainly doesn’t mean to not be wise.  I forgive and let God work out the rest.   I certainly do not envy the Great Spirit his job–he can keep it. Love is also for GIVING.  When people give their time or a few words of encouragement, there are times that it is worth more than the gold in Fort Knox.  Sometimes those words can stir hearts enough that they begin to make changes within themselves and that is where true change starts–within ourselves. 

What we do with that which we are given determines if others find their own way out–like tossing a pebble into the ocean.  That ripple continues to spread and not return to the giver as a boomerang would.  That is how it should be–give and hope that what you impart is shared somewhere down the line so that someone else benefits from it.  There is no greater reward than that anyway, in my opinion.  My turnabout came when I sought out my heritage due to one person’s blog post–after getting jewelry from her.  If you read the post about the Facebook page that turned me around, then you know where my journey began–and it started with watching a TV show on hulu.com (Dark Shadows) by a fluke one night.

Getting around people is not the struggle now that it was for me for years.  I realized one thing about people that I had not realized before.  Some will work quietly to make a difference in the lives of those who need them so much while others fight on the front lines. It doesn’t matter which route we choose, but as we feel led, it is the road we must travel.  I struggled for years with this.  It was a classic struggle between my inner self, and what I thought to be true.  What I thought to be true was that given my past experiences being hurt,  that most people were inherently evil–and I felt that way since I was a child.  I learned later in life that by shutting people out–people were still being hurt because there was nobody there to be a voice for those who cannot seem to find it within themselves to fight back.  I always felt that something should change–but was too afraid to step out of my comfort zone in order to do that.

I now have no choice because while on this journey to “find myself” I also found a purpose for my life after all and shutting myself up in the house as well as  away from the world around me simply is not the answer.  All I did in being a recluse was deny myself and allow others to win.  When I gained a spark of hope and kicked the last bar off of my cell door–it was then that I realized that there is more to life than what I was seeing and a whole world out there to explore in my way.   Love and hope are the fuel that have allowed me to escape the prison I built for my own “protection”.  If you know someone who is like this, please have them read this passage.  They are not alone any longer.  There is life out there–and even if it’s not so “intelligent” it can be fun!  Love, hope and forgiveness all work as a unit to help to kick down those walls and bars. 

Just my idea of a slice of Heaven...

An New Way to Get those ABS OLD SCHOOL Style! GET YOUR HOOP ON BABY!

Not the cake! The hula hoop!

Are you tired of spending countless bucks on ab workouts that do not work? Well this is for you! Do you hate going to the gym?  Do you hate going to dance classes and getting in trouble for other people?  Well, if you have just a few bucks, you can walk into any Wal~Mart store and invest in a hula hoop!  That is right!  That simple invention will work your abs AND your hips, that’s for sure.  It may have seemed to be easy to do as a child, but try doing it today and you’ll definitely feel it, folks!

I really do think that this craze will make a comeback–especially among the youth! Why?  If these guys are doing it, you can bet others will start getting back into the craze again!  I also suggest investing in a GOOD jump rope.  All those little things we did as kids to keep out of our parents’ hair actually had great physical benefits!  We  definitely got our cardio, that’s for sure!  This is great for a fun activity,  but for more serious working out–other options are much more logical…

Even this crowd is doing it!

Now if you would like something that is much more adult oriented–as in a real workout program with great benefits, then please email me @ bahpofficer@yahoo.com!   I can definitely hook you up with anything from Hip Hop Abs to my personal favorites–Insanity and Brazil Butt Lift!  P90X is a favorite that a lot of people like to get, but if you need something less intense, I would suggest Chalean Extreme or (if you prefer more cardio) Turbo Jam or Turbo Fire.  If you want a faith-based program, I suggest Body Gospel.  You can also check out my page on the links section  in my profile and get those programs there!  It’s under “my BB page”.  I also have a bio there showing my results.

I lost 30 lbs. in 40 days using the Insanity program so I have some bragging rights! Brazil Butt lift is good too–once you stop laughing at yourself! Check it out and you will  know what I am talking about!

The Facebook Page that turned me around…

The weekend is coming and I know a big change is coming for me as well.  I can’t say “what” or “how” I know–but this feeling is never wrong!  I started working for the Texas Department of Criminal Justice in 2006.  I went there because I wanted to make a difference and since I have left it, I’ve been told that I have, so leaving it made me feel a  lot better about my decision to leave it.  When I became a supervisor it wasn’t long before I saw problems with the pecking order on my unit.  Therefore, I have no regrets. 

When I was younger, I hid in my room a lot.  I didn’t go out as a teenager much (if at all) and when in college, I wasn’t that much of a social creature either.  What made me that way is a long story which I won’t go into, but I avoided theaters and concerts for the most part.  I did watch old movies with my father or my mom…To me those films represented an era that I could only ever dream of being a part of.  My childhood was a rather turbulent one, which I won’t detail here–but it led to my attitude.

I was keeping company with my teachers more than my peers because, quite frankly,  kids my age drove me nuts.  I could not see the logic in some of the stuff that went on as far as my peers go.  Besides I hated cliques with a purple passion.  Therefore, I kept few friends and I trusted very few people.  I don’t get invitations to class reunions either because I became more free with my opinions. I do not think anyone is better than anyone else, but I detested how they formed cliques and treated others who weren’t “pretty” or “athletic”–and was quick to let them know it…  

I was also bullied quite a few times.  Once by a coach who made a comment about how women don’t “usually go around shooting themselves because they don’t want to mess up their looks”.  The whole class waited for my reaction since I had just come back after missing school due to my stepmother committing suicide when I was 14.  I damned near quit school then.  Had my dad been less stubborn about wanting me to finish, I would have quit rather than deal with anymore BS. They said this coach was out-of-town and such so he just wasn’t informed,  but he worked for DPS in a neighboring county–where her body was found–so I find it hard to believe to this day sometimes.  However, me being me, I dropped it and took the high road–literally.  I picked up my pen and furiously created more worlds and killed more bullies there than anyone would ever want to know about.  I also ended up in the counselor’s office for things I’d pull or write…

I goto picked on all through school and took the high road. One day a boy in the Junior class saw me writing furiously and asked me “Who are you going to kill today?”  Look at this pic below…I swear it’s how I looked only I had black eyeliner on too…I simply looked at him rather coldly and said, “I dunno…Maybe you.”  Five minutes later I was in the counselor’s office again.  He laughed because he knew I made that kid sweat bullets.  He also saw through my front and knew it was my way of telling them all to screw off.  Anyway here’s the pic:

Now picture this: JET BLACK hair, dark red lipstick, black eyeliner and eyebrows--and the Uma Thurman "I'm gonna kick your ass look" and you'll have my look from 1980 when my Dad wasn't watching...

 

And people I grew up with  wonder WHY he didn’t like for me to go around ANYWHERE when payday hit!  In 1981, he wouldn’t even let me go see “Chariots of Fire” so like a bonehead, I sneaked out at 8 o’clock–when he  passed out…I went to the mall of Abilene and blew my paycheck on clothes and he never noticed.  I stayed pissed for three years because he wouldn’t let me go see the “Rocky Horror Picture Show” or “The Sex Pistols” too…AC/DC was definitely out of the question…To him, they were all devil worshippers…Hmm…I was a devil myself when I got mad back then.  Read the bullying blogs about what a few girls and I had to deal with and how we stopped that problem for us…

I wasn’t a violent kid, but I knew when and how to fight back.  I stayed reclusive for years.  I went to church and went home.  I didn’t go to theaters or anything for a very long time after graduation.  I may have went once or twice in the 80’s and once in the 90’s.  I hated “Star Wars” but loved “The Wrath of Khan“.  In fact I think in the late 80’s or early 90’s I saw “Pet Cemetary” at the insistence of my ex.  I never went again after that unless nagged and for those I slept through them and pissed my sister off.  I love her but I hated theaters.  They are just too damned loud most of the time.  Now I carry cotton to put in my ears.  I can hear it in normal mode then…Here are a couple of stills from the best damned movies from the 70’s that I did go to AND liked:

You can't say crap about the 1970's without mentioning "Billy Jack"...This trilogy had a lot to do with my outlook later on...He STOOD for something good!

                                                                                    

And this one was simply FREAKING FUNNY!

 

Well as I said, I skipped Chariots of Fire in 1981–the year I graduated from High School.  I went to college and marched in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in New York City that year.  It was also when I got to go to Radio City Music Hall and see what was behind the Christmas pageant backstage–live animals and such.  I then realized that the trip was for the sponsors and not us…We were told that we had to go to some other attraction.  I said, “Screw that! I’ve been up since 3 a.m., marched that parade route in 18 degree weather twice and have been out all damned day! I’m going back to the hotel first chance I get!”  I ducked away from my group near the hotel and started to double back.  I bought a pretzel and asked a woman where I could find a place where it was nice and quiet.  She pointed to St. Patrick’s Cathedral. I promise you I stayed in that slice of Heaven for an hour.  I missed my hiding place on the roof of the garage where I could stare up at the stars and just simply wind down.  I was also very, very tired.

I went to the hotel and went to my room and crashed.  None of the chaperones or the band director realized I wasn’t there.  😀  I got back home 3 days later and was relieved to be there.  Shopping at Macy’s and such was fun, but I just wanted to go home.  My birthday was November 25 and I wasn’t home for that either.  After that–I went right back to recluse mode.  One might think I’d have enjoyed that experience being out in “the world” for once, but I still feared dealing with crowds and such–and made myself go.  I was pressured to sing in choir too and hated that.  I don’t know why, because they liked it, but not me.  I almost ran off that year to California  to join a punk rock band. 

Instead I went through 2 bad marriages, had 3 kids, got a degree, etc…I also became worse when it came to being reclusive.  I trusted no one–especially NON family members.   In 2006 I went to work at a prison…Strangely enough, I felt “safe” there.  Why I do not know.  I had a knack for calming offenders down and dealing with some BS.  But I realized after becoming a sergeant and a failed relationship that I was slipping back into my recluse mode.  I wouldn’t even go home when I was off.  I hated being around people. I still have trouble with it.  My sister and my mother can’t understand it, but my Grandmother did. I told her EVERYTHING…Now she was gone. 

Anyway I got bored to shit one night.  I was going bat shit crazy at 3 a.m.–working out and such.  I got to thinking about things I used to watch when I was a kid and started surfing the internet.  I came across hulu.com and Adam-12…I got a kick out of watching that.  Then I started playing around looking for more shows I watched when I was a kid.  I saw “Dark Shadows” on there.  I didn’t realize I’d clicked on a remake, and almost started to surf again, until I realized the first episode was a movie.   I couldn’t freaking believe it!  This show was DAMNED good!  Then I started paying attention to the cast in it…I noticed an actor named “Ben Cross”. 

I talked to an old classmate on Facebook and asked her if she ever heard of this guy–like a dumbass.  She said, “That’s the guy in “Chariots of Fire”–you know, that movie our group went to see at graduation and your dad wouldn’t let you go so you decided to be a shithead and go to Abilene without us?”  My first response was “The What of the What?” because I called her while I was half-awake.

“Oh…Yeah…I remember now.”  I told her.  I only preferred older movies until I saw this.  I felt–and still feel it was well acted and such and it reminded me of other stuff I would watch–even though I wanted to kick Angelique’s ass–and always did–even when I watched the original in kindergarten.  I viewed her as a bully. I still do.  Ben made Barnabas bad ass!  As much as I loved Jonathan Frid as a kid–I really liked how he made his version of the vampire a bit more realistic. 

From there a chain reaction began.  I later found his Facebook page.  Then I saw a link to a site on his page that said “flaurena” and started getting jewelry from there.  It didn’t click that this was his daughter at first, but she made pieces (custom pieces) for me that reminded me of where I came from.  I began looking into my family tree and my Native American heritage as a result.  Hell I think she probably knows more about what I’m thinking than I do when I get her to make pieces for me!  Here is picture of one of them:

Well I can't rotate it, but take note of the circle and the feathers...Then the colors. I wear this when I go to the mountain to meditate a lot too...

I promise you it is much prettier in life than in pictures.  Sorry I can’t rotate the thing!

 

I quit my job at the prison as I said earlier and returned to teaching in 2010, but I also buy a lot of  Ben’s work.  The brat pack really didn’t do much for me, but I know if I had gone to COF then, I would have liked it.  I have a much more positive view of the world now–and am much better for it.  I also found my purpose.  If it had not been for finding that link on hulu.com, I would still be in recluse mode–shutting out the world.  I get out more now and explore things now.  It’s as if I am enjoying a life now I couldn’t seem to get when I was younger–but I am much better for it.  I am also a lot wiser. 

 

More importantly, I picked up a pen again–but I am not using it to escape from the world and kill off the bullies, I am using it to try to make a difference as these small things have made in my life.  I am grateful that they are around, and I am grateful to my teachers because they have been in my corner all these years and I never realized it until I began talking to them.  They gave to me.  It’s time for me to give back.   And these two people were the ones that helped me get my head out of my ass after all these years and start doing something different with my life.  If you are in a rut now, I hope you find your way out too…Have a great weekend!

 

I really am grateful to have come across them…Sometimes I call them the “father-daughter tag team”…LOL 

 

 

That father-daughter tag team I get a kick out of!

 

 

My next goal is to get to Peru or Costa Rica–whichever I can get to first! 

Peace Beyond the Cage–and Thank God It’s FRIDAY!!!

“Peace is not the absence of conflict.  It comes from the ability to cope with that conflict.”–From “The Wind is  My Mother” by Bear Heart

I don’t understand how it can be that some people seem to have this “shiny-happy-people” existence while others seem to muddle through life via one cage after another–some of them of others’ making and some of them of their own making.  

If I take a good look at Bear Heart’s comment above, it makes me come to one of those “apocalyptic epiphanies” that nobody has the “shiny-happy-people” life unless they are on some serious anti-depression medication or are just pretty damned lucky.  Then you’ve got people (like yours truly) who have somewhat of a mixture–kicking down the bars to each cell I get thrown into one bar at a time.

Every moment of my life has had conflict in it.  I’ll take it in literary terms here…Most often in my cell (about which I will one day finish writing a novel) I had to endure man vs. man, man vs. self and man vs. environment.  I’ve had to fend off bullies, deal with five stepmothers that I know of–(I stopped keeping track of Dad’s nuptials when I was 18).  I’ve had to deal with arctic blizzards with kids in tow, man vs. society–because there is no such damned thing as “normal” because that word gets redefined every 20 years or so.

It’s bad enough that all results of Historical significance can be boiled down to 4G’s–and I don’t mean money or drugs…I mean THE 4 G’s:  God, Greed, Gold and Gold-Diggers…Stop and think about this for a second…WHY did the Spaniards listen to Dona Maria and kill off whole ethnic groups of people?  Get it yet?  Then under “greed” there is a lust for power.  Hitler and Stalin had it.  Mussolini had it, Chairman Mao had it, Kim Jong Il DOES have it and so does Iran’s leader.

Has anyone on here sat and REALLY read “The Communist Manifesto“?  IF one did, then he/she knows communism can never truly work because Marxism in its PUREST form sounds more like living in a hippie commune.  It looks good on paper but got bastardized by those who wanted to use that writing for their own gain in much the same fashion that the Bible was used in trying to justify “The Crusades“.  However one can easily decipher why pure communism (under Marx’s ideal–which no communist nation follows) will not work:  It is because it is designed around an idea that humanity does not have the inherent traits of greed and lust for power.  As long as anyone remains that could cause conflict over greed and power, it can NEVER truly work for a sustainable time.  It is those at the top of the food chain that will ultimately bring it down. Why?  Because everybody wants to rule the world!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ST86JM1RPl0

There is one thing people can do to help bring about peace in our world and it starts by finding inner peace.  How can one be at peace at the world when one is not happy with his/her own life?  It’s simple.  Accept things you have absolutely no control over and look for ways to find a positive in a negative situation.   Let the rest of the world pursue whatever they want of the “4G’s” but be content with what you have.  There are people worse off than we are.  IF you don’t believe that today, then turn on the news channel and look at Japan.

Ultimately we have NO control over tomorrow until it arrives, and we have no control over yesterday so the here and now is what we have to work on.  We need to get rid of some of the things we were programmed into being.  I know of a song called “Ain’t That Unusual” by the Goo Goo Dolls.  One particular line strikes a chord with me:  “…All we are is what we’re told and most of that’s been lies…”   Why would that be true?  It is true when we’ve let other people dictate our lives for us instead of choosing our own way–and in order to be out of that cage, we have to forge our own path in life.  No one can live our lives for us. Trust me…If they could, I’d let them have mine–bad credit rating and all…I’m sure there aren’t many who will disagree with that one either!

A sense of humor is also key.  Many people seem to let themselves be weighed down about circumstances not realizing that most of the minor circumstances that tick us all off are things we should by laughing hysterically about.   Why?  They too shall pass.  Now if one is an intellectual, or a pseudo-intellectual, then this is a song that might just cheer you up a bit:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_WRFJwGsbY

After all, I don’t know many people who the Monty Python cast can’t crack up!  And for those who celebrated St. Patrick’s Day in an intellectual light, I am sure that it will make you forget life’s circumstances–at least for a little while.  Anyway today of all days should be one during which we all bust out of the cage for a bit and let our hair down long enough to have a good time–especially since it is Friday!  We can worry about the plight of humanity into oblivion on another day!

And for those of you who will party and partake of the dram tonight, this is what you’ll be singing in the morning!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oUr19aVUCU

Can you tell I watch Star Trek?  LOL!  I hope you had a great St. Patrick’s Day, folks! I just kicked down another bar in the cell! I hope you have a smile on your faces now!  I know I do! I’m going to enjoy another evening out under the moon tonight!  The weather is great, the breeze is warm and I simply cannot wait to get back to my mountain next week!

What a beautiful sight tonight!

Hailey Dunn…Another chat, an Eerie Feeling and Dueling Voices…

I guess Law Enforcement told people in the media to not talk to Billie Dunn or Shawn Adkins  until cleared of suspicion in the Hailey Dunn case.  Anyway here is a link to tonight’s chat because it left people with a bad taste in their mouths.  It left me thinking of the movie “Small Sacrifices” for some weird reason.  Chat link (recorded from earlier) is included here:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bringthemhomenow/2011/03/11/bring-them-home-now-exclusive-shawn-adkins-speaks-colonel-monaco-from-patriot-outreach?&utm_source=remail&utm_medium=listener

I would still like to know WHY she called in if she knew the nature of the program.  Shawn Adkins was supposed to be on it.  What keeps drawing those two to come back to the program given Adkins’ earlier statements?  They get grilled, and they hang up the phone every single time only to call back–and sometimes are heard muttering an expletive or two before hanging up…Are they gluttons for punishment or what?  Don’t they have a lawyer, and IF they do, why isn’t he or she telling them to keep their mouths shut?   I am willing to  bet that Diane Downs wishes that she did.

I suppose only they can answer those questions, but Mr. Peter Hyatt (who you will hear speaking) is analyzing her statements.  Maybe the fact that she keeps showing up, as does Adkins is what is making me think of the movie.  It is as if the more  the finger is pointing at them, the more Billie  puts herself out there.  If I were her, I would have already retained an attorney.

I think the focus needs to go back to finding the child and on what Clint Dunn has to say since he puts himself out there, at his own expense in search of this daughter.  He also has no problem confronting the tougher questions–the “whys” since he’s probably asking himself those same things.  To me, it doesn’t matter what happened yesterday as much as what I see now.  This man has gone through some inner changes.   He now has focus and a purpose–very much like John Walsh and Paul Klaas.  Hopefully, Hailey will be brought home safely.

There is no love greater than the love of a parent for a child–so I really hope people  are wrong about Billie Dunn, but it is getting harder and harder to keep an open mind now.  I can see why both sides feel as they do.  One voice is telling us not to pass judgment until we have all the facts and/or Hailey is home again.  Then there is that other, more ominous voice that within that loudly resonates from the shoulders of many people in this country like a horned red devil  that says, “She’s dead. Someone’s gotta pay.”  Face it–we all know it’s what most think.  However, Elizabeth Smart was brought home safely and so was Jaycee Dugard, so there is always hope. 

This particular chat with Billie Dunn was disturbing in other ways besides tone and demeanor.  Billie was accused of misleading one of the hosts, but where?  What did she say? I do not see that this was so clear.   Better yet, why was Hyatt making a big fuss about whether she ‘watched the ball drop’ on New Year’s Eve?  Yes, I can see the evasiveness of her answer:  “I was watching the news.”  So what?  They may have shown clips of it drop on New Year‘s Eve, so why couldn’t she have watched the news AND saw the pre-recording of the ball dropping while watching the news?  Without evidence, they cannot just go in and lock anyone up. Opinions do not = evidence.  One can listen to the chat from the link above and get a good sense of the division that rocks the community and the country, and that is reality–not conjecture.

Now this leads me to my last question…Who or WHAT  is making the real brownie points off of this story besides the media?  The people and community remain divided.  Armchair experts burn up keyboards all over the country telling people what they should think about this case.  God forbid you disagree with them or they want YOU to play detective to prove YOUR opinions as fact, when they are merely that–opinions (aka more conjecture).  If someone wants to do that, get them to do their own homework.  A writer doesn’t have to “prove” and opinion or theory.   Now if spewing something as fact, that is a different story. For all I know, if there ever IS a trial, there may have to be a change of venue all the way to Bulgaria because of the way the American press is butchering the facts of the case. 

What are the facts?  I can list those quickly: 

 ONE–Hailey Dunn is and has been missing since December. 

TWO–law enforcement should have went ahead with this as an abduction to be on the safe side.  4 days is too long.  It should be mandatory to treat ALL juvenile disappearances as possible foul play so that the chances are better of finding the child in question.

THREE–Porn is found on a computer that several people had access to including Adkins at HIS mother’s house.  The memory stick may have been in the Dunn household, but it could have been his and not hers.  Possession is 9/10 of the law and that is true, but proving actual ownership has to be done by tracking down credit card transactions and IP addresses and/or getting a warrant for a list of subscribers to the website.  

FOUR:  They are no closer to finding Hailey or the “why” of her disappearance than they were at the end of December because of all the rumors and conjecture flying about.  Until she is found, there can be no “how” or “why” explained in a logical way. 

Until Hailey is home–everything is conjecture and the media always scores.  The last thing we should be on is a witch-hunt.  Jaycee Dugard’s stepdad was suspected in her vanishing and he was totally innocent.  I remember a lot of people pointing at the father of Elizabeth Smart as well. People can always be wrong.  I struggle with which side to believe every time I listen to the playbacks.  I am not going to point fingers because it is not in my nature.  However, I will wait and see what transpires next.   At this point, it is all we can do is wait and watch as things unfold.  Hopefully, Hailey’s family members will not  have to wait as long as Jaycee Dugard’s family had to. 

Am I the only one having conflicting feelings on this case?   Listen to the chat and tell me what you think.  Am I seeing something that may not be there in the behaviors Dunn and Adkins show?  Better yet, why are these chats, the YouTube clips and the Nancy Grace clips triggering my thoughts of Diane Downs?  Am I missing something here?  Like everyone else, I will probably be able to answer those questions later in time.  However, I am not going to listen to either of those “inner voices” arguing too much.  To do so would serve little purpose until more facts are in. 

$15,500 Reward offered

 

 

Redemption

The mountain I walk on is my oasis in a desert in more ways than one. However, when I travel, I always find a new mountain. We all have to have our “sanctuary” and mine is usually outside because I stayed inside and away from people for so long. Remember that scene in “The Shawshank Redemption” where Tim Robbins is standing in the rain with his arms outstretched? That’s what happened with me when I changed my path last year, and rejoined the human race.

I had a deep seated fear of allowing myself to become involved with life in general, and was dangerously close to becoming a total recluse again. Nothing is better after spending so many years in prisons of other people’s design as a child (or of my own as an adult) than to stand outside among other people and know that there is freedom in walking among a crowd and not feeling isolated in it and forced to be there for other reasons.

Time is a precious gift–and it is best shared and not squandered.  If sharing mine makes a difference, and it is all that I can offer at the moment, then you are welcome to such as I have if we should ever meet one another. 

My current idea of "Heaven" at the moment...