The Third Time Around…***Childbirth Au Naturale***

Look…I am all for natural childbirth and such, but I am not about to put up with a bitchy nurse or CNM (Certified Nurse Midwife) that thinks he or she is equal to a doctor.  Here is why.

On November 28, 1988, I went into labor with my 3rd son–Kevin.  My water broke.  After my husband came in, we went to the hospital.  First strike against “Nurse Ballbreaker”:  “Yes your water really broke.  Why didn’t you come in earlier?”

My response: “Get the doctor to ask me that.”

Hours go by after I was admitted.  I’m supposed to get the birthing room.  No way…Nurse Ballbreaker said that they didn’t have time to make it up after the Captain’s wife used it, but they had 8 hours to take turns hanging out at the nurse’s station gossiping between rounds.  I know this because a volunteer WAC told me about it.  By the way, this was at the Evans Army Community Hospital at Ft. Carson, CO.  If you are in the military, you’re better off giving birth in the barn rather than that place.  The  walls were some shade of OD green–which I detest as well.  The nurses were out of some type of time warp or something because they mostly wore all-white.  That was irritating as well.  Now they wear different colored smocks and such which is much easier on the mental state…They aren’t as intimidating.

Then I asked for the anesthesiologist–for HOURS.  “Well he’s tired and he’s been up all night. We can’t be calling him.” –per Nurse Ballbreaker.

Then the last straw came.  I knew Kevin was coming.  I was about to push.  She came in the room and instead of checking me she said, “Look , we can’t check you every time you feel like you want to push so you just need to breathe and deal with it!” she yelled.

My ex instinctively backed away from my bed.  “Look Bitch!,” I yelled, “Having a kid is like riding a f***ing bicycle! Once you’ve done it you don’t forget how so I suggest you get the mother f***ing doctor now!”

A female colonel entered my room almost immediately and asked, “Mrs. Thomas, what is going on?”  Nurse Ballbreaker tried to butt in but the colonel told her to be quiet.  She then put on a glove and checked me herself.  She looked at Nurse Ballbreaker and said, “She’s dilated and this baby is about to crown. Why the hell isn’t she on the delivery table, Nurse?!”

I swear to God that Nurse Ballbreaker was reduced to sounding like Porky Pig when she said, “Well we thought–”

“We’ll talk later.” the doctor said.  The doctor made her leave the area and got another nurse.  This nurse was very nice.  She told me not to push until I was told to and walked with me through the breathing bit.  I think my ex was traumatized by the encounter with Nurse Ballbreaker so he just held my hand.  The doctor was NOT happy with where Nurse Ballbreaker inserted my I. V. either.  She said once Kevin was born and after four hours, they’d remove it and not restart it.

In between contractions, I was put on a gurney.  They wheeled me down the hall.  I felt the boy coming alright…Ballbreaker didn’t even get me a local!  We got next to the delivery table, the doctor raised the sheet just in time to put her hands out to catch Kevin–and he came in kicking, screaming and raising hell, too!  She looked at me and I said, “Tell that bitch nurse I said “I told you so, will you?” and the doctor smiled and said, “She won’t be bothering anyone on my ward again.”

The next night a WAC (volunteer retired Army Nurse) came into my room and kept giggling. I asked her what was up.  She smiled, “Mrs. Thomas, that nurse you chewed out last night is in the geriatric ward now.  That colonel chewed her ass up one end of the ward and down the other after she had to deal with that delivery.  They didn’t have time to do an incision to keep you from tearing because of her.”

“Well the bitch is lucky I didn’t tear anywhere but down the old scar about a half an inch.  I’d have her ass right now.” I told her.

That WAC and said, “Yeah…When the colonel finished with her, the director got her again.”

Well, I can say this much, I have truly experienced natural childbirth but I humbly apologize to all the taxpayers now if they footed a bill for a birthing room and for anesthesia that was never even utilized in 1988!  I used to ditch lab slips for tests I knew I didn’t need–like that damned Rh Titer one  when both my ex and I were Rh+.  They didn’t like that either, but I don’t think taxpayers should be paying for unnecessary shit and will not deal with that.  Have a great week!  😀  Oh, by the way, he was born AFTER midnight so he was born ON November 29, 1988…

2 comments on “The Third Time Around…***Childbirth Au Naturale***

  1. Wow, they really do childbirth different in the US huh? Delivery tables, gurneys… I always thought movies exaggerated these things! But the opinions and arrogance we are forced to endure in childbirth…. now THAT I’m sure is universal! Thanks for sharing Kadja 🙂

    • Ha! That’s how they make a buck…They charge for every little thing–right down to a tylenol tablet! For what I went through with Kevin, I could have had him at home with a midwife and saved the taxpayers a fortune! Trust me! Most military hospitals leave a lot to be desired…

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