Sometimes When I Cry…

I learned that my 6th grade English teacher passed away within the past 48 hours.   This was a woman who was tough, but fair.  She always pushed her students to do their best, yet as they got older, she encouraged them to march to the beat of their own drum.  She was best at marching to her own beat in a time that most felt uncomfortable with anyone or anything that was not descended from the same train of thought that they were.

One thing I did learn was that she expected to hear our own voices when we wrote–not a rehashing of what someone else spent months and years pounding into our heads.  There are days I simply want to scream, “This is who I am!” knowing that very few accept my not-so-conventional train of thought (and probably never will).   I do not know that she ever experienced this depth of feeling so alone at times, but I know I experienced it for most of my life.

Death has been a constant companion to me.  It is neither male nor female, and yet it’s presence seems to invade my space and that peace I have as of late.  It is a part of my life, having been touched by it many times in my youth, and damned near experiencing it myself twice. I won’t go into the details of it, but I know what it is to come very close to experiencing that endlessness that everyone seems to fear with  so much dread.

I don’t fear it though.  Why bother fearing it when it touches us all more than we realize?  If anything, it is what we leave behind that we should fear.  It is the failing of saying “I love you.” to those closest to us each day that should have us reeling in repentance for neglecting to realize that they DO need to hear those three words from time to time.

It is our failing as human beings to do what we know to do that is right even when nobody is watching us that we should fear.  It is the children and grandchildren that will learn what it is to inherit a lack of integrity as a result.

It is our non-acceptance of others regardless of how different they are from us that we should grovel in tears over, because our children and our grandchildren will learn what it is to be a bigot if we fail to realize our own stupidity with respect to this issue.

It is our unwillingness to give selflessly of ourselves to others we should show some remorse over, for our children and our grandchildren will learn what it is to be self-centered from that alone.

It is our willingness to dash one another in thought and tongue from our presence (since it is not legal to kill them) that we should weep over because if we are willing to force our wills upon someone else rather than take them as they are or banish them that teaches our children that hatred is a good thing–as well as power.

There is power in hatred.  From hatred springs every evil known to man–murder, destruction, wars and sometimes pestilence.  Anyone who disagrees should look at how there have been many advantages given to Death to do its deeds with each successive conflict in History–and we won’t even discuss periods of time when hundreds of thousands of people to millions of them were slaughtered.

Sometimes when I cry, it is because  although I know Death is a constant companion in life and to life, I have joy for it does not dominate me.   Death in and of itself is a release from the bonds of our own nature it seems.  However, if we are not concerned about the tracks we leave behind in our trail for those to follow, then we have lost all consciousness of who we are and what we should strive to become throughout our days.  Does that make sense?  If it doesn’t, then reflect on it a while.  How should we WANT to be remembered?  I know how I remember my teacher and several others that have passed before her would answer that question.

Sometimes when I cry, I remember that they gave me a torch to carry and to pass on to my grandchildren–and I will do so–regardless of what others may think.  We should never fear those we don’t answer to–but we should fear what we leave behind for our descendants to answer for in our behalf, I think.  For what we leave in our own tracks, we are accountable because it is the future generations that will always pay for our own stupidity in spades in the end.

Yes, we should follow our own drum–but we shouldn’t sentence our descendants to follow the drum others make for them. Sometimes when I cry, I fear that they will not know what to follow because they are pushed so hard to be like “everyone else” and not themselves now–or so it seems.

Deeply Reflecting…

I have pulled in the ranks and am not talking to a lot of people right now. It has gotten to a point to where I am even  re-evaluating a couple of decisions I’ve made.  It gets really old when one tries to cheer others on, and then tries to help in any way possible and then only seeing a blank space where some colors and design should be.  However I have recently found myself in situations to where I have to fake a smile or a laugh…I have also found myself in a situation to where once again I had to be the one to create distance for my own well-being.

At dawn I will be up on my mountain again to see if there is an answer awaiting me. When I feel uncertain as to the path I should take, I find my strength up there.  Once again I must seek answers and guidance.  My spirit is deeply troubled tonight, so this time I will not go up there to seek the blessings of the Universe for others as I normally do–but I will seek the answers to my questions while there.  I need to know that my energy is not being wasted for nothing.  I need to KNOW that what good I do really does go out to reach others like the ripples of a pond, and that people who benefit at the nucleus (meaning where I began to have the empathy and compassion to want to see them do well) are actually paying it forward themselves.

Believe me, Wankan Tanka has never, ever steered me in the wrong direction.  My questions will be these: Am I making a difference or not. If so, I don’t see it.   Is anything I am doing to help changing a single life for the better here?  If not, where do I need to be?  Better yet, is there something I need to change?  Hopefully when I come down, I’ll have those answers.   2012 is going to be a good year for me. I just need to figure this out for now, so I’m going back to my cave for the night.  I wonder what the Universe is going to send my way this time?   Hopefully I will gain some fresh inspiration.

One Really Bad, Horrible, Pain in the Neck MORNING!!!

Yesterday I woke up, went to the bathroom and went to wash my face…NO hot water.  It’s 38 degrees outside so guess what that means…AFTER I cleaned the yard and patio from trash blowing in, I had two hours to get to work (a 40 commute) so I ate breakfast and prepared  snacks to take with me  because I am hypoglycemic.  If I don’t eat when I should, I can get violently ill from that too.  I then would have been sobered up quickly had I been a drinking person the night before, for the simple fact that I had to wash my hair and face in very FRIGID water…I was not happy.  I went to work.

5 p.m. rolls around and my 25-year-old son calls…

“Mom there isn’t any hot water and the plumbers aren’t working on the other apartments right now.”

I replied, “Son…Call our landlady.”

“I don’t want to bother her this late.” he said.

“Let me phrase it this way,” I said now HIGHLY annoyed because I wanted to take a hot shower after all the work and then the work on the job, “It is only 5 p.m.  If I don’t have hot water by the time I get home tonight, you do not want me to make that phone call because if the plumbers are gone, there is no reason for only the hot water to be NOT working.”

“Okay Mom.” he said.  Then we said goodbye and hung up.

Work was rough enough today, but when I got off of that phone, I wasn’t sure whether he’d actually call.

I got home, and didn’t say much.  Turned on the shower…

“OH MY GOD!,” I said, “It’s a miracle! We have hot water! See ya!”

I then did the “Snoopy Dance” because I was jubilant!

The boys were laughing.  I promise I stayed in that bloody shower for at least an HOUR!!!

I also found out that my son didn’t make the call. Other neighbors raised heck when the plumbers had been gone for a bit and there was no hot water on this side of the complex. Oh well it doesn’t matter…Once I went to bed and curled up with a good book, I was very much at peace with the rest of the day!  Well anyway, I just wanted to share that…Have a great week!


American Bandstand is gone but the memories remain! I remember when Tommy Chong trashed the set, the Red Hot Chili Peppers were on and a lot of other things spanning the 1960’s – 1980’s and a few years beyond.  However some great acts and music came out of it.  This is one:

No this isn’t the link to the episode, but this is one of the best bloody songs to come out of the 80’s.  I am redoing it–but making it fit ME since I’m female.  I lived it. I had an ex who didn’t like to keep a job–kids or no kids. I had to drop out of school to support him and the kids.  After a while, it was over.

Since that point, I’ve taken care of me and my boys and had a wonderful family who have always helped and been there for me though this whole process.  My sons have grown into 3 young men that I love very much and they understand my viewpoints.  I’ve said before that I’d love to cover “None of the Above” by Duran Duran and “Falling Angel” by Duran Duran.  These were both songs that should have been singles  in my book. This band should have already been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame…Good god! They’ve had a major hit in every decade they’ve been on the map!  The only other artist to accomplish THAT feat is Cher! Some of the nominees going in THIS YEAR cannot even boast that!  Having a major hit in each decade is the mark of a long and great career–even with the pitfalls artists go through!  They also came up with the storyline music video prior to the release of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. Their singles this year “All You Need is Now” and “Girl Panic!” are very good!  There is not so humble opinion on that subject…

I do write songs as well, but my writing tends to be akin to the angst ridden 90’s style and I was writing that type of music when I was 15 years old–hence my trips to the principal’s office.  That is just how it is…Writing was my world then.  I have since learned to enjoy other things and take up other projects, but writing was, and always will be my first love.

From the times I wax utterly romantic (God I hope not this week!)  to the times I come across like a  b***h  spewing my utterly therapeutic vitriol, it has been a release for me on many levels.  I have used it to kill off characters I created in the images of bullies I dealt with that thought they were God, to create worlds that I wouldn’t mind living in, to reminiscing about time periods I would rather have been born in for the simple fact that I always felt  that I was born either 10 years too late or 10 years too early.  Take your pick.   Like music–and I don’t have a “heartbreak song” or anything like that, but picking up a pen and writing can transport me to a time where I am actually reminiscing about all things good and bad.

Anyone that says keeping a journal is a waste of time, I will say this: Hogwash!  Keeping that journal has given me something to reference when I need direction from time to time because there are times that I am reading back copies of it that I can almost hear the voices of my grandparents, my father, a few wise writers,  or get the gist of what people have gotten across to me in their own blogs after cross referencing to see what led to my writing.  Two Facebook pages got me to turn my life around and many of you know which ones those are.  I had to do some digging through blog posts and found gems of wisdom that I wish someone were there to share with me when I was a child.  I might have had a different perspective about some things and NOT gone into recluse mode years ago.

Now I want to share another blog with you that makes my day.  I love her humor and I love how she can make me laugh even when I feel like total crap!   She and her friend Holmes  post regularly.  Even if one doesn’t agree 100% politically, I can always find something to totally make me smile in there!  I honestly thought they were married to each other the whole bloody time! Sorry Piper!  Here is the link:

I love their wit and how they point out historical information that can be found on the stacks at any college library but are yet being pulled out of the textbooks.  Even the original copies of documentation can be found in those libraries and I know because I am such a nerd that I go and look!  I am proud to say that I’ve never found a misquote on this blog!   I am going to be posting on how what went on just prior to the Texas Revolution is taking place in this country right now and that is where the U.S. Government has made a huge mistake with its citizens–and many do agree with the assessment I reached.  However, that is for another blog post.  The similarities are alarming.

However, check out Piper’s post on The Zombie Apocalypse and such too. Those are funny…Like I said, while some may not agree with one another politically, there is no harm in being humorous and these two are definitely that!  Piper, thank you for the laughs and I do support you and Kristen Lamb in your presidential bid! 😉  ***You guys really need to see those posts! Trust me!***  Here is also a link to Kristin Lamb’s blog and she is a total riot too!

This post also got me to look at things a bit differently.  One thing always leads to another.  Thank you Lauren @ for starting me on this journey. It’s been an interesting few years, that’s for sure!  Now that we’re in a new year, may all of you have a great one! Now back to my  “vacation”!