Nanahood Philosophy…

I have reached the conclusion that the best legacy I can leave to my grandchildren is to do what you love, let the world know you love it, and never be afraid of what others think of it as long as you are satisfied with what you have chosen to do to leave your mark on the world. IN doing so, never look back with regrets because that is the one thing that can slow your progress. Move forward. Strive for excellence and never let others define your self-worth or decide your path for you. It is your life to live, not theirs. You have to own your mistakes as well as your achievements–and when you can do that and not blame others, it is easier to be at peace with yourself and the decisions you make.

I spent much of my life trying to make others happy, often at my own sacrifice. Those days have ended.  I walk my own path rather than that which was set for me.  It is my hope that my grandchildren will also do this.

That being said, I am considering a 6-12  month teaching assignment in China.  Whether or not I do this depends upon what happens at my job in the next few weeks.  I want to see the world. I want to share this with my grandchildren.  Nothing is impossible when you put your mind to it, right?  I fully intend to write about my experiences wherever I go, just as I used to do on this blog. I am going to return to the mountain in the morning to ponder this as well.

I have to do what I have to do. Hopefully things will work out here, but if they do not, I have other doors through which I can readily pass.  Nothing is impossible.  Have a  great weekend everyone!

 

There are more pics to come, but this little guy has really brought some light into my life!

Empty Hollows

The Diamond Fleece (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Oh my God! She’s at it again! Call her sister quick!”  the woman said to her husband as he came to look out of their window.

There she was…Amy Holloway, firing up the barbecue grill.  It was sprinkling outside. The man shook his head and told his wife, “Just leave that girl be. She has suffered enough with that ex husband to be of hers screwing around two days after her kid’s funeral. I don’t blame her for acting out a bit!”

“You aren’t the least bit concerned that she’s lighting a grill during what is about to be a severe storm?” she snapped.

“Absolutely not.  She did stranger things when she was younger. So did you as I recall.” he countered.

“But–”

“I said LEAVE her alone!” and with that he went into the den to watch television.

What Amy did next caused Mrs. Madsen to  be even more concerned, although she fully understood why this was going on…

She came out with a long white box that held the wedding gown she wore…The same gown that she had hoped to see her now dead daughter Hailey wear.  She put the veil in first then tore the dress to shreds.  She also put it in there.  After that she took the unframed wedding portrait and tore it into five pieces and put it on top.

After that she doused her miniature pyre with lighter fluid and waited for it to soak in a couple of minutes…She then struck a long match and tossed it on top of the contents of the grill as her eyes welled up.

“It is finished. Goodbye Hailey.” she whispered as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

Once the task was complete and the last bit of smoke came up from the grill, she closed it and went inside. She then laid the keys down on the kitchen counter and sat in her recliner.  She looked out the window as the rain began to fall.

“Maybe I should give this house to the church.  That way something can actually LIVE in this place.” she mused as she  reached for the remote control.  Just as she was getting into a movie called “The Diamond Fleece” the telephone rang…

“Hello.” she said…Paused…”Oh it’s you.”…”Yes that’s right! You got the cars so you got the f**king bills now leave me be–” Paused…

“Share the house? You heard the judge. I worked two jobs to pay for this house and bought it well before I met you. Screw you and your girlfriend!” Paused…”How many times are you going to lie and say there is nothing between you now that we–Hold it! I wouldn’t take you back after knowing you’d been with her. I thought divorcing you proved that!”…Paused…”Look, you got one shot. Screwing her after Hailey’s funeral is rather unforgivable so stop calling me up drunk! Your tears aren’t for her or for me. They are for the fact that you got caught and f***ed yourself!” Paused…”Oh…That…I burned the dress. I guess your sister has to buy her own…” Paused…”IF you don’t effin’ believe me then come to the back and check the grill, A**hole!”  she yelled as she slammed down the phone.

“You are far too angry.” the voice inside the front bedroom said to her.  She just sighed and mixed herself a drink.

“You know you shouldn’t have dumped him like that. He’s hurting too.” the voice said.

“He doesn’t feel half of the pain I do.  Now please leave me be for a while.” she said as she went back to the blue recliner with her drink in hand.

“Honey, I think divorcing him without trying counseling is a mistake. He does love you–”

“And you hate divorce, Mother. However if he loved me he wouldn’t have looked at her twice. It made our vows a lie! I would never trust him again after that anyway. We must not have had much of a marriage to begin with for him to do that with her 2 days after the funeral and God only knows how many times prior.  It’s over.” Amy said as she tightly clutched the glass.

“You are wrong. In time you will see that. I know it.” her mother told her.

“Whatever Mom.  Call Tish if you like because that’s all that ever happens when I get angry anymore.  No one can let me vent it and get it over-with! I’m supposed to be the little silent church mouse like the two of you–”

“That is so untrue!  It may be what you feel, but I never wanted you to be anything less than what you want to be. I am proud of you for getting a career and moving up in the world.  I couldn’t give much but I did  give you that.” she said.

Amy turned to face the older grey haired woman.   A tear rolled down her cheek.  “You never told me you were proud  of me before. Especially when Dad was around.”

“Well I am and he would be too–”

“He wanted me to go to a freaking convent!” she said.

“No he didn’t.  He only wanted for  you to learn to control yourself more.  I know you have  a short fuse like  he did, but he always bragged to the boys at the pub  when you succeeded in anything. I only wish you heard it then. All that stuff he said when you were younger–he was just being an ass.  Read his journal and it will prove  that.” her mother told her.

“I honestly think he wanted a boy.” she said.

“Well he certainly didn’t do you any favors taking you to the docks did he?” her mother asked.

Amy smiled, “No he didn’t.  But I’m glad he did. I liked the boats and the guys showed me how to prepare the fish properly.”

“As you got older he made you stay here because the dock hands kept eyeballing you and it pissed him off.” her mother grinned.

“Yeah…Tish told me he hated that!” she laughed.

“Well he was glad when the counselor told him you could be in advanced classes. He signed the papers.” she said.

“Wha-”

“That’s right. He signed them.  He said if it keeps you out of the bars and off the docks, he’s happy.  I know he’d be proud now, Amy.” she said.

“Wish he said it to me.” Amy said.

“He did in a way, Amy.  He gave you the business. That and with your law practice, you’ve done well and I know he’d love that.” her mother said as she walked over to her and hugged her.

“Well, he’s with Hailey now and I’m sure he’s showing her constellations and how the ships know where to go and such.” she mused.

“Amy–”

“But it’s a good thing he didn’t live to see this because he would have killed Michael and we both know it.” she said.

“Amy,  this is all killing Michael. He loves you. He did not want the divorce.” her mother said.

“Doesn’t matter now.”Amy said as the rain began to pour against the windows. She glanced at the remnants of smoke from the grill and the empty swing Hailey so loved.

“And I don’t think you wanted one either. I’m going to lie down.  If you want Michael to be a knight in shining armor, then you had better give him a reason to come out of the bottom of that bottle before he kills himself. He thinks he lost you long before Hailey died. He told Tish that. He’s been lost ever since she fell ill the last time. ”  her mother warned.

“Well Mother,” Amy began, “Maybe if he came to me instead of his whore secretary we might have had a chance in hell of actually making it work.   He should have thought of it. I won’t forgive him and nobody has any right to expect me to.”

“All I am saying is that you are probably going to always wonder what may have been if you don’t at least talk to him. Try talking about Hailey. You’re both grieving–”

“He’s only grieving the fact that I caught him and he couldn’t get the house.” Amy hissed.

“You are wrong. It takes two to make a marriage work and two to break it. I’ll talk to you later dear.” her mother said as she went back into her room.

“And I’ll get over it.” Amy said to herself as she continued to take in the blurred view through the window while the rain fell and her eyes once again blurred as they became misty at the site of the swing…

The monument to her lost child…

A Big Day in the Nanahood!

 

Meet my grandson, Kevin D. Thomas! He finally decided to make his début onto the world stage at 1:20 p.m. on 7/18/2012! He weighed 7 lb. 14 oz and is 20″ long. Believe me when I say this kid has a set of lungs on him too!

Well everyone, without further adieu,  Nana is getting some sleep! I had a big day and came home to a ton of laundry to do! LOL!  I got it finished-finally!  I got called at 1:20 yesterday morning and 12 hours later, the little guy arrived!

 

Two Worlds….

I look in the mirror.  It is one world. It is like a picture of me.

The battle ensues–one of anger and one of apathy

another of love and another of  trust

still more rage…One of pain and one of sorrow

Then that of grief  and total indifference…

With all these wars, can any side win?

I think not.  In fact, I know not.

It may seem silly but it is all there-each facet

mentioning  two different worlds with the

duplicity in each facet as if it should matter

yet it doesn’t.  It just is.

Nanahood Resolutions….

 

The time has come for change.  For one, I am cleaning up the blog.  While I do have a strange outlook on some things, I realize that it is because the people that were around me at the time left me rather jaded in thought. I tended to put everything into these neat little boxes of my mind and I  would compartmentalize them so that if someone or something did not make sense to me, they ended up there–my virtual “cornfield”.

Either way, it is time to change my attitude, my life and possibly (after the grandson comes) the latitude. I can no longer hide here. I am going to branch out. I’m getting back to the writing basics again…My family matters. My grand kids matter. This crap about holing up and only talking to a few select people is over.

If I get stuck, I go back to Lauren Vasil’s blog,  www.fizgiggery.com  for some inspiration…Or to Momsicle’s blog…Given the recent post on the little blue dot in Lauren’s blog, I decided that although we’ll probably never see space travel in our lifetime, it would be nice to be able to see places like this from a ship!

It looks almost like something you’d see in a video game or in sci-fi doesn’t it? It’s actually a view of the Carina Nebula from the hubble telescope. I really do consider space to be the “Ultimate Wonder”. It is infinite and timeless.

However since time tends to be somewhat of an enemy, it is best to concentrate on things that I would like to see here–like the world we live on.  Maybe someday I will get to do that.  The thought crosses my mind every time I look at my poster that I made.  I’ll put it up here on my next post, but I really want to position myself better than where I am now. I want to be an inspiration to my grand kids–and to teach them that there is much more to the world than what is right in front of them.  I hope that makes sense to you. It does to me.   It may be time to simply go forth and expand my horizons.  Have a great week!

 

More from the Nanahood…And It Isn’t All Roses…

As the day of my grand children’s births draws closer, I am so overjoyed that I will be with one. I am also heartbroken that I may not get to see the other one.  Sadly, Eric’s fiancé decided to split from him. Nobody has heard from her since June 26th. As I find out more, I’ll share it, but for now I am focusing on Daphne and that baby.  Eric is not handling this well. You don’t just love someone one day and vanish out of their lives the next.

However, I myself, have to move forward as Eric handles the legal hurdles. He is going to file for visitation and intent to prove paternity since she just vanished.  Her family is not letting anyone’s calls get through to her and it really has people concerned since she is 23 years old.

I can handle almost anything. I was really looking forward to taking the kids to the park tonight, but a co-worker suddenly lost her mother and I will work in her place for now.  I don’t mind doing that. I know how I will feel once I lose my mother. So the Nanahood does have it’s good days and it’s rough days.  This just happens to be one of the rough ones.

Eric is going to have a fight ahead of him, I guess. I know his heart is broken over this break-up.  However this family is a strong one–even with its differences.  We’re all fighters or lovers depending on the situation. I know Eric well enough to know that regardless of how this is turning out with her, nothing will keep him from his son.  It is sad. It is tragic because we all know who is caught in the middle…My unborn grandson.  He will also know that he is loved here too.

There is some uncertainty going on with me right now.  I’m not sure what direction to take, so I’ll remain still for now. Right now I am needed right here, but once things have run their course, the direction the wind blows these sails may turn out to be somewhere pretty far away. Things do have to change though.  My family is not going to like it, but I may be relocating yet AGAIN. I may have to make a decision once again, but we’ll see. I’m not really sure whether to finish unpacking.  Oh well…I’ll end with this and a pic:  To be continued…

And one day I will soar into the world unknown and continue to expand my knowledge…One day I will travel abroad–and it may be sooner than later. I am needed here for now, but once this is over, I know I’ll have to follow my heart…

Meanwhile Back in the Nanahood….

It has dawned on me that I actually will have had FIVE grandchildren by the time the babies arrive. Daphne already has 3 kids.  Two daughters and a son.  I enjoy being around them and I never spoke of them before but they are really good kids! In fact, when I get paid again, I plan on spending a little time with them on my days off.  Maybe we’ll actually get to go someplace!  Who knows?

This is going to be one of the shortest posts I ever made but here’s a pic:

L to R: Jabez, Elizabeth and Dorcas on the mountain with us last summer…And they are good kids! I love having them in the family!

My impression is this: Jabez is the game whiz/bookworm even though my son tries to get him into football…Elizabeth is the athletic one and Dorcas is our girly-girl…I’ll have to introduce her to www.flaurena.com when she’s older!

A Little Flash to the Past

Some conveniences are ones I really don’t need during certain times of the year. I prefer line-drying my clothes in the spring and summer…My grandmother did it and my clothes seem to feel cleaner and smell fresh that way.  Many days I spent at her house when she was hanging clothes out to dry and it was time I got to spend with her.  Now in the winter it’s a different story, but when I hang things out here, I think of her and those times.

I remember the Sunday dinners where “the horde” came to eat–and I’m referring to 30 + people. We’d watch football or music shows depending on what was on TV.   On Saturday Night it was usually “Hee Haw“, “The Grande Old Opry”, “The Happy Goodmans” or some other music show the grand parents watched.  My grandfather didn’t care if it was religious or if it was a Mariachi band on TV, he’d watch it anyway.  To my knowledge, he wasn’t particularly religious either.

We used to ride to Mann’s Grocery with him in the old truck.  He’d buy me a Pepsi or Dr. Pepper…One of the favorite drinks was Nu-Grape on a hot day too.  He had his own little silver flask behind the seat of the truck.  On one particular day he pulled that out and said, “This is Grandpa‘s soda water but don’t tell  your Granny I have it!”  I just kind of blew that off.  Well my brother went and told Granny about it and she came UNGLUED!  She was really mad that he drove us in the truck and drank at all.

She knew the dangers of drinking and driving, but back in those days it wasn’t uncommon for people to drink their alcohol behind the wheel.  This was around 1970 this happened. I remember it because I wasn’t in Omaha, NE yet…We went there in ”71-72.

Anyway Grandpa thought I TOLD her and yelled at me. I started to cry and Granny came out and yelled, “And she ain’t the one that told me either, Ira! It was Jamie!”  That would be my older brother.   Grandpa said he was sorry but chewed my brother out later!  Needless to say, he never drank out of the flask when we were with him after that.

I can remember the times my uncles acted up at the table too.  She raised 5 boys and a girl (my mom) and I don’t know how on Earth she handled my uncles! They were a trip!  One day I’ll share some of those stories too–but my youngest son Kevin reminds me of a combination of a couple of them…However he got my Granny’s knack for cooking!!! Thank God someone did! I certainly didn’t–and I’m not good at gardening either.  My mom and my Granny could do anything like that!

How to Make the World a Better Place

Yes…Another new one for me.  Everything actually begins from within though.  How will I make this world a better place? Here’s a few things I work on…Eventually I’ll do more:

1.  Never live a lie. In other words, don’t commit to something or someone you cannot give your all to. Doing that hurts the cause you’re representing or the person who needs someone who is committed to them 100%. It’s like  a one-way reflection.  Not fair to the cause–or to the person–whichever the case may be. Honesty is always the way to go.

2.  I do my best to make people laugh, even if I’m the butt of the joking regarding my self-depreciating sense of humor.

3.  If I don’t need it, I’ll give it to someone who does.

Simple and short, right?  It’s a start.  Been doing this for a while now, but the first one is coming much easier to me than the 3rd one!

What will you do to make this world a better place?

I want to see this place so badly!  Have a great weekend!

WE NEVER Seem to Notice What is WORTH Noticing, Do We?

This is a post unlike any I have ever done, but I think it took someone else to describe what it is I tend to look for…Deeds…Not personalities…Actions do speak louder than words, don’t they?  We spend most of our youth being programmed into what others want us to be, but when do we become ourselves?

I learned early on that life for me was one cage evolving into another. I spent most of my life watching shows and movies looking for heroes to save me from the hell I called my life from the time I was a child.  Then I came to a harsh realization.  No hero was coming.  No one was hearing me crying from the time I was 11 to the time I was grown–except me, a mouse named Brutus (at one point) and the air.

Until anyone can tell me what it is like to be so scared to leave one’s own room that they crouch over a hole in the floor to piss under the house rather than risk sneaking to the bathroom, then nobody can tell me what fear really is.  I learned early on what it is, but I never learned how to do anything but to mentally escape from those awful memories.

One of the movies I love the most now is called “The Shawshank Redemption“. When I watched that, it was the day I realized I had escaped and I felt very empowered by the fact.

When I watch movies, I look for things that CAN play out in life.  Because I knew there were no heroes, I hated the Marvel comics and such my brother loved.   I hated cartoons like Johnny Quest and such because, again, they weren’t real.  It was the musicians that caught my attention then. Many sang about things I wanted to feel.  If there  was anything I wanted to feel it was to feel loved for the person I was inside….

Most of those same cartoons depicted good winning over evil, but in my home it seemed that it was the evil winning. It was eating at the heart of my family like a cancer.  I endured a lot and survived.  I truly did live in a war zone.  Any step I took could result in all hell being unleashed.

As a result I grew weary of Hollywood and all the fake heroes being put out–but I still had a thing for “Fast Times at Ridgmont High” and (as I have discussed before)  “The Breakfast Club“.  I can also assure you that the tale of each kid in that latter movie in some way mimicked my life–except for Claire’s. I related most to Ally Sheedy‘s character who (she says) was ignored.  Nobody really knows what went through her head…

However by then, for the most part I stopped  spending  money on movie tickets because I realized that much of what was coming out was hype more than substance. The one movie I SHOULD have went to see was “Chariots of Fire”.  At least the two main characters were real and did exist.  Ian Charleson and Ben Cross brought the two men to life for me in that film when I finally saw it a few years ago.  In hindsight, not many will dispute the idea that Ben Cross should have gotten an Oscar (or at least the nod) for how he brought Abrahams to life in that movie, but for whatever reason, that did not happen for him.

He played a bigger role a few years before that and very few people took note of this during an interview he did–but they damned well should have.  The man stood up for what he felt was right and that, in my book is more worthy of being book material and/or put on celluloid than this bloody trash Hollywood keeps throwing at us as of late…Ben put himself on the line and could have ended up in a Russian prison for it years ago.  I hope he writes that story soon.  That is the type of story we need out there…Not this Depp/Burton “Dark Shadows”  fiasco  or the “Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” crap!

If you’re interested in knowing what the hell I am talking about, I will refer you to an interview he did in 1982–the year my son Eric was born.  Had I read this interview then, the man’s picture  would have been right up on my wall next to John Lennon’s for having the guts to stand up for what he believed was right in a time when the political turmoil was immense.  That is a person worth looking up to.  Too bad I never knew about this until YESTERDAY because to me, THIS  is what heroes are really made of. If actions do indeed speak louder than words, then the words he spoke in this interview should have resulted in his actions screaming at an entire generation or two.

I remember going to NYC in 1981 and seeing Russian subs off of the coast so I know if I had seen this, I’d have done a double take!

Mr. Cross, you can be as humble as you want to be, but this is one story that does need to be shared. I am glad the interview was still available…

Here is the link:

http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20081839,00.html

I know the action he took to help a Russian couple trying to leave Communist Russia (which was a prison cage in itself) screamed at me quite loudly–and while he has such a knack for bringing these characters he plays to life, it is this time that should be shared with the world because there is a message in it worth hearing and seeing–and it is real.

Sometimes it takes conscience and a bit of unbridled individualism to do the right thing.  He certainly did so, and for that he has my utmost respect.  Right now he plays a villain called “Mr. Rabbit” on the Cinemax show, “Banshee” and he is doing an excellent job.  I hope this opens many doors for him to come, as he certainly deserves that after all these years.

Yeah…I’m talking about the same guy who played Harold Abrahams in “Chariots of Fire”! This guy is probably one of the bravest people I have NEVER met!

And here is a link to a performance the Galina and Valery Panov did after their defection…They were so marvelous!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMMbdG6eB-8