There are times I get really pissed at the way the medical profession and some magazine writers try to dehumanize the experience of a miscarriage. One article said, “…We imagine ourselves as mothers…” Oh hell no! They did not just say that! I don’t care if it is a loss at six weeks or six months–I am still a mother who has lost my child–and my ex-husband is a father who lost his dammit!
Then they call it “products of conception” or “fetal tissue”. All I can say to any medical professional who would use that type of terminology to a woman and her partner who has miscarried is a phrase not fit for this post so I won’t repeat it here. I lost my child. When they acted as if I did not know what I was talking about, I switched doctors. If the difference between one mother’s child is that it was a wanted one and someone else’s was not, then save the terminology for the abortion clinics and read the frigging chart before you shoot your mouth off because if it is a mom in a very emotional state you are dealing with, she might just come unglued on your ass…IN fact, I know several mothers who lost children who would. I know I would if I endured it AGAIN and was treated as if the being carried inside of me was not worthy of being called a “human being” but relegated to being called “products of conception” or “tissue”.
NOTE: This post is NOT about abortion. However I think a lot of the people in the medical profession try to treat this experience like one and that is what pisses me off. Even the old term for it (if it is not in use now) was “spontaneous abortion“. The experience of losing a wanted child is unique and personal and should be treated with the same care and compassion as losing a loved one would be treated had it been a stillbirth–including offering referrals to counseling for couples going through this. Support groups for grieving parents who have experienced this are amazing, I think.
Losing a child is a gut wrenching, physically painful, horrible experience regardless of what stage of gestation and if people in medical profession are trying to help us by dehumanizing the experience, they are deluding themselves. Those in psychology tend to do the same. It is because of this lack of consideration for those of us who go through this that I am writing this. I know there are places out there somewhere that don’t conduct themselves in such an android like fashion when dealing with that type of grief, and I would like to know where they are. I will gladly refer people to those from this blog. As of right now, our group is unique and in a class by itself. In short, we stand alone.
Now if you have family members going through this, just listen and show some empathy. Don’t say things like “Well, you’ll have another one someday.” or “At least you know you’re capable of having a baby.” These are very insensitive things to be saying and it is pure bullshit. You will alienate anyone you say that to over time if you do this–especially if the event might have left them unable to conceive. Trust me. I’ve cut people off for this. Why? Simple. One child will never replace another. We don’t forget the pain of losing the ones we lost and I can tell you from personal experience that even after 27 years, there is still ONE empty space at my table I think about from time to time. In short, if you want to keep your friend, and you are not sure what to say, just be quiet…PLEASE…
This was not the only miscarriage I had, but it is the one that stands out because it is my son’s fraternal twin. It is VERY rare to not lose both, but I didn’t lose Brian. They said two weeks later when I still had morning sickness and got into it with the nurses that it was all in my head and I was NOT pregnant…They were going to send me to a psychologist. I said get the test and we’ll settle it now–among a few other choice things…Voila! I was STILL pregnant with that one and they rushed to do a sonogram. Brian’s sac was in tact but it was considered high risk because I lost the twin. It is also very, very rare to keep one twin after losing the other–especially as early as it was.
In short, if you don’t understand it, just be willing to listen and don’t say anything. That’s really all we need is a listening ear and a good shoulder to cry on. You don’t know if or when a couple will be able to have another child, so it’s best not to comment one way or another on THAT issue too.