More from the Nanahood…And It Isn’t All Roses…

As the day of my grand children’s births draws closer, I am so overjoyed that I will be with one. I am also heartbroken that I may not get to see the other one.  Sadly, Eric’s fiancé decided to split from him. Nobody has heard from her since June 26th. As I find out more, I’ll share it, but for now I am focusing on Daphne and that baby.  Eric is not handling this well. You don’t just love someone one day and vanish out of their lives the next.

However, I myself, have to move forward as Eric handles the legal hurdles. He is going to file for visitation and intent to prove paternity since she just vanished.  Her family is not letting anyone’s calls get through to her and it really has people concerned since she is 23 years old.

I can handle almost anything. I was really looking forward to taking the kids to the park tonight, but a co-worker suddenly lost her mother and I will work in her place for now.  I don’t mind doing that. I know how I will feel once I lose my mother. So the Nanahood does have it’s good days and it’s rough days.  This just happens to be one of the rough ones.

Eric is going to have a fight ahead of him, I guess. I know his heart is broken over this break-up.  However this family is a strong one–even with its differences.  We’re all fighters or lovers depending on the situation. I know Eric well enough to know that regardless of how this is turning out with her, nothing will keep him from his son.  It is sad. It is tragic because we all know who is caught in the middle…My unborn grandson.  He will also know that he is loved here too.

There is some uncertainty going on with me right now.  I’m not sure what direction to take, so I’ll remain still for now. Right now I am needed right here, but once things have run their course, the direction the wind blows these sails may turn out to be somewhere pretty far away. Things do have to change though.  My family is not going to like it, but I may be relocating yet AGAIN. I may have to make a decision once again, but we’ll see. I’m not really sure whether to finish unpacking.  Oh well…I’ll end with this and a pic:  To be continued…

And one day I will soar into the world unknown and continue to expand my knowledge…One day I will travel abroad–and it may be sooner than later. I am needed here for now, but once this is over, I know I’ll have to follow my heart…

Fallen…Forgotten…

I was called Fallen.  I am the one you don’t see or hear.  I stood by you when you cried, and told you all would be well.  Yet you chose to simply let me fall.  I was crushed and broken, but you were no longer there. You built your own Utopia while I faithfully stood and waited.  Silently…Hoping for some sign that my fears had not come to pass.  Then the rain fell.  As each drop penetrated my being, I longed to be part of Mother Earth once again–to have that oneness with something again, for walking on this red road has become increasingly difficult.

At least if I am part of Mother Earth, at some point we will cross paths again and I will feel your warm presence–though you will not know mine for I will be supporting your footsteps as I always have. However, the Great Spirit has other plans for me.  I will one day leave this place behind, and the grief I have with it.  As the rain washes the tears from my fading tracks, you will come to look for me but I will be gone–as well as my tracks.  And when you seek the Great Spirit to return me to you, you will find that he has sent me to where I am truly needed…

And at that point I will no longer be fallen or forgotten. I will be appreciated, needed and loved.  I have a purpose yet to fulfill in this life and will not let you drive me to such depths of despair again–let alone distract me from what I must do ever again.  Farewell, for soon you will be fallen and forgotten as my purpose on this road unfolds before me.  Even now you seek me, but I am not to be found…Please do not ask  about me or for me again. I will no longer answer for the ship I am going to leave on is waiting. I shall not look back because I have now risen.  Of the two of us, I shall now fly to my new sanctuary. Peace.

My Sanctuary

The Mistress

Once upon a time, a wise grandmother got onto her son for telling her grand-daughter to go get him a beer. The grand-daughter was only six. “You are teaching her that it is alright for her to drink when you do that.” Her son told her to mind her business. “I am. I never let you get your father’s drinks either. What you put into her is what you will get from her and by letting her put that in her hand, you are teaching her to follow your path.”
“I did not teach you to follow your father’s path. You defied me. You wake up and get a beer and you go to bed with one. It has become your mistress. I do not think it takes much to figure out why I am the only relative who comes here to help you. You loved that bottle more than her mother before she passed away, and now you love it more than your only child.”
He told her to go home and take his daughter with her so he could sleep late. He didn’t want to hear her preach at him any longer. She complied. That evening both were killed by a drunk driver as they left the market. IT was then he decided that she had been right all along. He had to lose the two people he loved the most to finally part with his mistress.

So now you are dead to me…

You may be breathing, but you are dead to me.  Every lie that you sold makes me very afraid to open my heart, even though it is closed to you for good.  I worked my way through the muck and lies and got to the point to where I am somewhat content with my life, yet your ghost seems to be talking through some of the people I meet.  I hear the hooks you threw out when asked certain questions.  I can now see that like you, some of them are looking for an arrangement.  I don’t play that game anymore.  I really don’t need to be in a “relationship” to validate who the hell I am.  I don’t need a “security blanket” either.

As a result, life is good.  I rose from the ashes to discover my own way of expression.  As the blood runs hot in my veins and through to my pen, I have also found that I need nothing–not money–not power–nothing.  It all goes back to one song by Duran Duran.  “…Freedom puts my faith in none of the above…”

Have a nice life.  I truly hope that you are blessed.  I know that I am truly blessed now that you are only a dark page in a dark chapter of my personal History.  Right now I am content to stay on the page I am on.  It is blank and waiting for me to fill it. It will be filled–on my own terms and in my own way.  Goodbye to you…

With that, I close with this…I’d love to re-make this with an all female band–speeding up the rhythm and totally rocking this song out to the max!  This song just totally kicks ass.  There is also much truth in it, whereas I have yet to discover the truth in your lies…That being said, I am changing the phone number.  I don’t want to hear any more from our “mutual” friends who are also looking for an arrangement now that they know that I have kicked your ass to the curb.   That makes them pretty low on my priority list if you ask me.  After all, if they were YOUR friends, they wouldn’t be trying to put the make on me  knowing my sentiment on the matter, right?  Then again, the fact that they are YOUR friends only tells me that it doesn’t speak much to their character…Sorry but it’s true.

This is sort of like a divorce–only you can have the friends and line of work we were in. I want no part of it ever again.  I want no part of you either. Why? I had to lose myself in order to find myself again.  Once I did that, I realized that I didn’t need you and I certainly don’t need to “fit in” anywhere any longer. I call my shots and I admit my mistakes.  There is freedom in that also–but you will never know it because your whole life has always been nothing but one lie after another.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BP4GQPbn4Aw

 

I have a whole new attitude. For once it is MY life–and I’ll do whatever I damned well please with it.  I know that just kills you since you’ve got some of your friends “spying” on me again.

I originally wrote this in 201o.

The Facebook Page that turned me around…

The weekend is coming and I know a big change is coming for me as well.  I can’t say “what” or “how” I know–but this feeling is never wrong!  I started working for the Texas Department of Criminal Justice in 2006.  I went there because I wanted to make a difference and since I have left it, I’ve been told that I have, so leaving it made me feel a  lot better about my decision to leave it.  When I became a supervisor it wasn’t long before I saw problems with the pecking order on my unit.  Therefore, I have no regrets. 

When I was younger, I hid in my room a lot.  I didn’t go out as a teenager much (if at all) and when in college, I wasn’t that much of a social creature either.  What made me that way is a long story which I won’t go into, but I avoided theaters and concerts for the most part.  I did watch old movies with my father or my mom…To me those films represented an era that I could only ever dream of being a part of.  My childhood was a rather turbulent one, which I won’t detail here–but it led to my attitude.

I was keeping company with my teachers more than my peers because, quite frankly,  kids my age drove me nuts.  I could not see the logic in some of the stuff that went on as far as my peers go.  Besides I hated cliques with a purple passion.  Therefore, I kept few friends and I trusted very few people.  I don’t get invitations to class reunions either because I became more free with my opinions. I do not think anyone is better than anyone else, but I detested how they formed cliques and treated others who weren’t “pretty” or “athletic”–and was quick to let them know it…  

I was also bullied quite a few times.  Once by a coach who made a comment about how women don’t “usually go around shooting themselves because they don’t want to mess up their looks”.  The whole class waited for my reaction since I had just come back after missing school due to my stepmother committing suicide when I was 14.  I damned near quit school then.  Had my dad been less stubborn about wanting me to finish, I would have quit rather than deal with anymore BS. They said this coach was out-of-town and such so he just wasn’t informed,  but he worked for DPS in a neighboring county–where her body was found–so I find it hard to believe to this day sometimes.  However, me being me, I dropped it and took the high road–literally.  I picked up my pen and furiously created more worlds and killed more bullies there than anyone would ever want to know about.  I also ended up in the counselor’s office for things I’d pull or write…

I goto picked on all through school and took the high road. One day a boy in the Junior class saw me writing furiously and asked me “Who are you going to kill today?”  Look at this pic below…I swear it’s how I looked only I had black eyeliner on too…I simply looked at him rather coldly and said, “I dunno…Maybe you.”  Five minutes later I was in the counselor’s office again.  He laughed because he knew I made that kid sweat bullets.  He also saw through my front and knew it was my way of telling them all to screw off.  Anyway here’s the pic:

Now picture this: JET BLACK hair, dark red lipstick, black eyeliner and eyebrows--and the Uma Thurman "I'm gonna kick your ass look" and you'll have my look from 1980 when my Dad wasn't watching...

 

And people I grew up with  wonder WHY he didn’t like for me to go around ANYWHERE when payday hit!  In 1981, he wouldn’t even let me go see “Chariots of Fire” so like a bonehead, I sneaked out at 8 o’clock–when he  passed out…I went to the mall of Abilene and blew my paycheck on clothes and he never noticed.  I stayed pissed for three years because he wouldn’t let me go see the “Rocky Horror Picture Show” or “The Sex Pistols” too…AC/DC was definitely out of the question…To him, they were all devil worshippers…Hmm…I was a devil myself when I got mad back then.  Read the bullying blogs about what a few girls and I had to deal with and how we stopped that problem for us…

I wasn’t a violent kid, but I knew when and how to fight back.  I stayed reclusive for years.  I went to church and went home.  I didn’t go to theaters or anything for a very long time after graduation.  I may have went once or twice in the 80’s and once in the 90’s.  I hated “Star Wars” but loved “The Wrath of Khan“.  In fact I think in the late 80’s or early 90’s I saw “Pet Cemetary” at the insistence of my ex.  I never went again after that unless nagged and for those I slept through them and pissed my sister off.  I love her but I hated theaters.  They are just too damned loud most of the time.  Now I carry cotton to put in my ears.  I can hear it in normal mode then…Here are a couple of stills from the best damned movies from the 70’s that I did go to AND liked:

You can't say crap about the 1970's without mentioning "Billy Jack"...This trilogy had a lot to do with my outlook later on...He STOOD for something good!

                                                                                    

And this one was simply FREAKING FUNNY!

 

Well as I said, I skipped Chariots of Fire in 1981–the year I graduated from High School.  I went to college and marched in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in New York City that year.  It was also when I got to go to Radio City Music Hall and see what was behind the Christmas pageant backstage–live animals and such.  I then realized that the trip was for the sponsors and not us…We were told that we had to go to some other attraction.  I said, “Screw that! I’ve been up since 3 a.m., marched that parade route in 18 degree weather twice and have been out all damned day! I’m going back to the hotel first chance I get!”  I ducked away from my group near the hotel and started to double back.  I bought a pretzel and asked a woman where I could find a place where it was nice and quiet.  She pointed to St. Patrick’s Cathedral. I promise you I stayed in that slice of Heaven for an hour.  I missed my hiding place on the roof of the garage where I could stare up at the stars and just simply wind down.  I was also very, very tired.

I went to the hotel and went to my room and crashed.  None of the chaperones or the band director realized I wasn’t there.  😀  I got back home 3 days later and was relieved to be there.  Shopping at Macy’s and such was fun, but I just wanted to go home.  My birthday was November 25 and I wasn’t home for that either.  After that–I went right back to recluse mode.  One might think I’d have enjoyed that experience being out in “the world” for once, but I still feared dealing with crowds and such–and made myself go.  I was pressured to sing in choir too and hated that.  I don’t know why, because they liked it, but not me.  I almost ran off that year to California  to join a punk rock band. 

Instead I went through 2 bad marriages, had 3 kids, got a degree, etc…I also became worse when it came to being reclusive.  I trusted no one–especially NON family members.   In 2006 I went to work at a prison…Strangely enough, I felt “safe” there.  Why I do not know.  I had a knack for calming offenders down and dealing with some BS.  But I realized after becoming a sergeant and a failed relationship that I was slipping back into my recluse mode.  I wouldn’t even go home when I was off.  I hated being around people. I still have trouble with it.  My sister and my mother can’t understand it, but my Grandmother did. I told her EVERYTHING…Now she was gone. 

Anyway I got bored to shit one night.  I was going bat shit crazy at 3 a.m.–working out and such.  I got to thinking about things I used to watch when I was a kid and started surfing the internet.  I came across hulu.com and Adam-12…I got a kick out of watching that.  Then I started playing around looking for more shows I watched when I was a kid.  I saw “Dark Shadows” on there.  I didn’t realize I’d clicked on a remake, and almost started to surf again, until I realized the first episode was a movie.   I couldn’t freaking believe it!  This show was DAMNED good!  Then I started paying attention to the cast in it…I noticed an actor named “Ben Cross”. 

I talked to an old classmate on Facebook and asked her if she ever heard of this guy–like a dumbass.  She said, “That’s the guy in “Chariots of Fire”–you know, that movie our group went to see at graduation and your dad wouldn’t let you go so you decided to be a shithead and go to Abilene without us?”  My first response was “The What of the What?” because I called her while I was half-awake.

“Oh…Yeah…I remember now.”  I told her.  I only preferred older movies until I saw this.  I felt–and still feel it was well acted and such and it reminded me of other stuff I would watch–even though I wanted to kick Angelique’s ass–and always did–even when I watched the original in kindergarten.  I viewed her as a bully. I still do.  Ben made Barnabas bad ass!  As much as I loved Jonathan Frid as a kid–I really liked how he made his version of the vampire a bit more realistic. 

From there a chain reaction began.  I later found his Facebook page.  Then I saw a link to a site on his page that said “flaurena” and started getting jewelry from there.  It didn’t click that this was his daughter at first, but she made pieces (custom pieces) for me that reminded me of where I came from.  I began looking into my family tree and my Native American heritage as a result.  Hell I think she probably knows more about what I’m thinking than I do when I get her to make pieces for me!  Here is picture of one of them:

Well I can't rotate it, but take note of the circle and the feathers...Then the colors. I wear this when I go to the mountain to meditate a lot too...

I promise you it is much prettier in life than in pictures.  Sorry I can’t rotate the thing!
 
I quit my job at the prison as I said earlier and returned to teaching in 2010, but I also buy a lot of  Ben’s work.  The brat pack really didn’t do much for me, but I know if I had gone to COF then, I would have liked it.  I have a much more positive view of the world now–and am much better for it.  I also found my purpose.  If it had not been for finding that link on hulu.com, I would still be in recluse mode–shutting out the world.  I get out more now and explore things now.  It’s as if I am enjoying a life now I couldn’t seem to get when I was younger–but I am much better for it.  I am also a lot wiser. 
 
More importantly, I picked up a pen again–but I am not using it to escape from the world and kill off the bullies, I am using it to try to make a difference as these small things have made in my life.  I am grateful that they are around, and I am grateful to my teachers because they have been in my corner all these years and I never realized it until I began talking to them.  They gave to me.  It’s time for me to give back.   And these two people were the ones that helped me get my head out of my ass after all these years and start doing something different with my life.  If you are in a rut now, I hope you find your way out too…Have a great weekend!
 
I really am grateful to have come across them…Sometimes I call them the “father-daughter tag team”…LOL 
 
 

That father-daughter tag team I get a kick out of!

 
 
My next goal is to get to Peru or Costa Rica–whichever I can get to first! 

I am the one that got away…

For those of you who have read my blog before (Kadja2), you know that there is one person I refer to as “my favorite mistake”.  He was a co-worker in a prison and needless to say, I learned that it is imperative to never get your honey where you make your money.   When people come at you and try to lure you into their prisons that they build for themselves, there are warning signals.  When a person won’t take you to meet their family, that’s warning sign number one.   When they never seem to be there for you when you need them the most, that’s warning sign number two. 

I escaped from the prison he was planning to keep me in.  I decided to move on with my life over 18 months ago.  He’s tried to call, but I don’t return the calls and I don’t answer the text messages.  When I get to where I am going I plan to change my phone number and only give it to close friends and family, like I did before.  I can truly say that I am free of him.

I closed my eyes today (per someone else’s suggestion) and imagined that he pulled into my driveway.  I then imagined that although he tried to get my attention and such, I never heard him.  A tow truck came and got his vehicle, as he chased behind it.  There were oil stains and such  out there so as he disappeared, I threw cat litter on them and cleaned it up.  The driveway was clean and he chased his truck into infinity because I never saw him again.

I like to come home in the evening, write and read a book, drink my mexican hot chocolate and then dream of seeing other places.  I long to go to Peru or somewhere to volunteer for a few months, but I need to get some things taken care of first.  I’ve thought of Costa Rica too!  I have a life to live and I plan to enjoy it.  I am alone, but  not really  lonely.  I admit that it would be nice to have that soul that I can say is home to my own, but I don’t know if it will happen or when and I am not going to worry about it. I don’t raise the bar too high either.  I have always accepted people as they are.

I was married twice to men in the military. I have no problem with being apart if we have to be, but I do have a problem with a person who doesn’t trust me when he would be away.  When a man gets jealous when he cannot be with me, it sends up a red flag because I learned one hard lesson from my upbringing.  Southerners say this often: “The hen that cackles the loudest is the one laying the egg.”   I got  married at 19, a mom on my 20th birthday.  Three months later, soldier #1 left me for a 19-year-old in Colorado.  The link below accurately describes the situation rather well.  I know I use music links a lot, but my life connects with music–all kinds of music.  I can listen to any genre accept OPERA.  Don’t ask why but most opera music gets to me. If I watch it on TV and mute it with subtitles, I like that because then I can tell what the bloody story is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_mwbCw4utI     (Terri Clark)

The song above “She Didn’t Have Time” by Terri Clark sums up what I went through when ex #1 ran off.  

The program you are looking at above, Insanity by Shaun T., saved my sanity…Funny that Insanity IS what it is called.  I’ve got the deluxe set.  My next goal is to get Brazil Butt Lift and go back to doing 2 a days.  If you want to know more about it, friend me on Facebook and email me!  I lost 30 lbs and dropped down from a size 18 to a 14 in FORTY days!  It is tough, it is intense and you won’t regret it but if you have back and knee problems, you’ll want to do something lighter, like Chalean Extreme.  Turbo Jam is cool and so is Hip Hop Abs…It took purging my memories of my exes and making room for this to improve my self-esteem.

I also recommend finding a “sacred” place to go to.  This will be YOUR place.  This is where you go to reflect, pray, cry or whatever you do to get in touch with what some call “your higher self”.  I talk to God…Simple as that.  Meditate however you wish, but I’d rather talk with God, the Great Spirit or whatever.  I am part Comanche so I have to be among nature to really feel alive.  This cold weather gets to me.  It also reminds me of when I had to get away from the 2nd ex.  I caught him with a baby sitter.  I should have left right afterward, but DUMMY me tried forgiving.  It didn’t work.  He kept trying to get around other women.  Once the trust was gone, and I heard him tell my best friend “Oh I never really loved her.” that killed what was left of our marriage.

I  love this image below…It could be because I am part Comanche, but there is just something so peaceful about it.  I found that the Comanches typically made their raids for captive, horses and such during a full moon.  I love being out under a full moon, but it is to bask in the beauty of its light.  I have always loved being under the light of a full moon–especially when I am at a beach or by a river.  I love watching its rays dance across the waves, and the feel of a gentle Spring or Summer breeze…I feel totally loved in those moments-and at peace with all that is around me.  Some day I would love to go out on a moonlit beach in Costa Rica or something…It really doesn’t matter where in the world I am at,  as long as I can get to my sacred place…May you find yours as well, wherever you might be…

I also have jewelry made for myself by a very talented artist when I have money.  I spent a lot of time and money helping others, but neglected me. That time is now past.  It is my time.  I kicked the last cell door down on my life and am going to live it.  I am taking an ESL course as well.  It will open up more doors for me and I am ready for that. 

If you are ready to make a change in your life, the time is now.  One cannot let yesterday throw up pictures in their faces because it is gone–over with–and dead.  The future is another item we have no control over.  Why worry over that which is already done and that which we are uncertain about?  It makes no bloody sense whatsoever!  I have right here, in this moment, peace.  I will live as I will.  If anyone has a problem with that, all I have to say is, “Have a nice day”!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCg2BoKiuOM      (Bon Jovi)

Nothing like a Bon Jovi number to get off to a great Saturday Night! I am glad I got away from those emotional prisons, because living a lie is the worst type of vacuüm one can ever let themselves get sucked into!