We Still Have Then but All We Need is Now…

In 1982, I gave birth to my son, Eric…I had him on my 20th birthday in fact–and even though there are times when the old grouch gets pissed off, he’s still the best birthday present I ever had.   I didn’t give a damn about the politics of the day. I didn’t give a damn what people thought of me too much then–and still don’t…Gee…I wonder where 2 of my kids get that from? I’m smiling sheepishly as I remember those days…I liked bowling, dancing, walking about and above all–writing and listening to music.

While 1982 was a banner year, it was also a year of loss. Hell, we lost Marvin Gaye. Now with all the crap going on, “What’s Going On?” really comes to mind here…Forget the “Sexual Healing” bit…He got a lot of accolades for that one but I still say “What’s Going On?” is one of his best.

I can say a lot about 1982 right now…first it was a “Thriller”…. 1982, I was so “Caught Up in You”.  I loved it loud then, and “I Love It Loud” now.  I wonder if “Jack and Diane” ever got into saying “If You Want My Love” to each other?  If they did, maybe it was in the “Heat of the Moment”.

I do know if they had tried to pass the Patriot Act in 1982 there would have been a loud “I Can’t Go For That” being screamed in D.C.  Has anyone ever figured out what the “Young Turks” needed to be free from yet? Just wondering.  However as far as men and women go, I haven’t heard anyone trying to use “I’ve Been Waiting for a Girl Like You” as a  pick up line in a bar yet…

We have learned that it is best to take the advice Rick Springfield gave us…”Don’t Talk to Strangers” because serial killers do not make it “Hurt So Good” now do they?  Funny how when we were young we didn’t seem to worry about too much of that stuff, or did we?  Well I know I didn’t.  I do know that my exes were never “Always on My Mind” when I got enough balls to say “Goodbye to You”.

Well whatever went on in “Allentown”–it wasn’t “Sexual Healing”…Hedonism was the furthest thing from the imagination in that part of the country as well, I think.  However, there was some “Tainted Love” going on until someone decided to “Shake It Up” a bit when they found out their sweetheart was the “Centerfold”–that is, until someone younger came along and the agent said “Abracadabra” and that model got replaced by a younger one a few years later…

Some also said “I Ran Away” because it was “Hard for Me to Say I’m Sorry”.  I can fully prove that was a lie. I just opted for the “Thriller” of a time when someone asked “Don’t You Want Me”? I said no and then turned back to my ultimate love at the time…I mean, most who know me will be the first to tell you that “I Love Rock N Roll”–which left “Rosanna” slightly perplexed as in counseling, she thought I wanted to be a writer and not a rock star.

In music, there was always harmony between “Ebony and Ivory”–until the hair bands told everyone else to “Beat It”. So what did the rest of us young fools do? We went to “Rock the Casbah” while possessing the “Eye of the Tiger”!  We got so “Physical” in that fight that we left “Billie Jean” perplexed and lying in the dust!

And after that fight, we were “Hungry Like the Wolf”….

Well that was a long time ago. And now that I’ve compiled this morbidly insane  list from ONE video  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAGYIvg1FHk  in order to complete this writing exercise, with the exception of “Hungry Like the Wolf”– which is included because, quite simply, I know it came out in 1982, I hope you enjoyed this ridiculous trip down memory lane since I was under immense “Pressure” to hurry up and get it done prior to going to bed…By the way, “Pressure” by Billy Joel is not in the video either which surprises me because it was a damned good song!   I should know…I didn’t forget my birthday that year or the fact I gave birth to Eric then!

However, in the present “All You Need is Now”  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0X3O4PCP5MM     In fact, that is all I need too.  Have a great night!

Am I the ONLY ONE Weird Who Experiences This WEIRD STUFF?

Have you ever cut yourself putting staples in a stapler?

I did, the other day…Freaky…

Have you ever had all the power go out in the stores when you get to the front of the checkout line after discussing how this weird crap happens to you?

I have…In Wal Mart.

Have you ever broken two bones in your foot and pulled one from the ankle bone tripping on a dog’s tie out?

I have. YEARS ago at another house.

Have you ever cracked 5 ribs tripping over something at work and then have HR try to tell you it was your own fault for not seeing it?

I did–again at Wal-Mart and the person who told me that got fired.  The whole thing was on video and I was working my ass off when it happened. I told the boss (in front of her) that he’d better line her out before I decided to and I guaranteed her (in front of him) that I had not taken my pain meds yet, and I’d royally embarrass her butt in front of everyone if she didn’t shut her trap. He fired her not too long after that since two new hires overheard the whole conversation–violating my right to confidentiality–not to mention the whole event wasn’t any of her damned business and I’d never been hurt on the job–ever.

Thank God I don’t work there anymore.

Let’s see…Pulled up to an intersection and the traffic lights DIED.

Went to get chicken at KFC  and the place was totally OUT of chicken…

Pulled over for a cop and he pulled up behind me, then sped around me and left. I guess I wasn’t who he was looking for…

The list goes on…I’ve had ALL KINDS of weird stuff happen to me over the years. What’s the weirdest thing you ever dealt with?

Ten Movies that will NEVER Happen.

***Snickers***

BELIEVE ME these will never happen!
50 First Dates: 10 years and 4 kids later”.

The Waterboy II: Mama Moves Back In”

Fast Times at Ridgemont High: 40 Year Reunion”

How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days and Still get Palimony”

The Breakfast Club: Bender Goes to Washington

Beverly Hills Cop: Retired My Ass!”

“The Wedding Singer: Out of Tune”

The Goonies:  Where’s the Cave?”

Charlie’s Angels:  Contracted Out”

Ferris Buehler’s Day Off:  Again?”

 

Ladies (and Guys), If You Want to Rid Yourself of a Would-Be Suitor… *Snickers Profusely Here*

Alright this was inspired by a friend I went to school with…I’m not giving her name or anything but I have been in this situation myself so I’ve decided to share some things to get rid of that persistent “would be suitor” who wants to take you out but you have NO interest in him or her.   These can easily be adapted for men’s use against persistent females, but just change a few names up…

For example when a guy says to you in a theater where there are plenty of seats available but he comes up to you and asks, “Is this seat taken?”  You already KNOW what time it is–especially if he tries to introduce himself and shake your hand.  All you have to do is grow a pair and say, “No and this one is about to be available as well.”

If he’s one of the overly persistent pain-in-the-ass types, just say, “No and this one won’t be either when you sit down.” OUCH!

Guys, just act like your cell phone is ringing and your wife is calling–or better yet–pretend you have a boyfriend.  Cools the persistent stalker girls like the church lady in Six Feet Under really quick. If you’ve never seen it, you need to get someone to show you the church scene where Michael has to tell her to get lost!  Why? I can’t find the damned clip of it but if someone else wants to share it, feel free!

Now for the next scenario. A guy comes up to you, introduces himself and starts really pushing himself to get a dinner date with you, making you feel really uncomfortable.

For the women you only have to say one thing, “Sure but I think you should know that I am Betty Broderick‘s half-sister or I’m Aileen Wournos’s lost daughter.”  That should make you a real hit if they bother you at work too!

If he says “Who?”, just say, “You might want to Google that.”

Men, just say, “I’m Charlie Manson‘s (or Ted Bundy‘s–insert your favorite serial killer’s name here) bastard son.  Are you sure you wanna hang around me?”  Make sure you get that “Michael C. Hall from “Dexter” look about you too when you say that–IF the lady keeps stalking…

*Now I am going to go have my cup of Mexican Hot Chocolate and laugh profusely at the absurdity of life!* LOL

After all if life is a joke, are we not waiting on the punchline?

Oh and if you’re wondering about that “Dexter Look”–here…This is probably his funniest kill scene too. Watch this clip (and it has adult language in it so don’t let the kiddies see you watch it! ) :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8taUxqSRsDg

Funny how I’m giving advice on how to get rid of a prospective date in less than 10 minutes…

I Dare ANYONE to Caption This One!

rabbit with pot plant

 

I so totally dare anyone to caption this thing! I get the weirdest stuff on Facebook! I’ve never seen rabbits eat this before!  My question is, will they get munchies afterward?

How to Manage Complaints–Literally…

After many complaints on various subjects, I have found that categorizing the complaint levels is a tremendous help: Cat 1: These have top priority so sharpen your wit and deal with them bluntly and honestly. Cat 2: General whining and such: Always answer with one word: “And?” especially if they are in your circle and you can do NOTHING about what they are complaining about. Cat 3: The ones that do not make sense. Answer with “Can you rephrase that please?” and MAYBE they will form a coherent thought that one can deal with and cause their complaint to make it from this “junk box” level to a Cat 2.

I have also found that most of the ones in the Cat 3 box tend to come at me when I am at various parties, or at the club.  And the people levying them as if trying to aim a gun without a sight on it, are too drunk to pull my trigger.  They tend to sound like the late Foster Brooks–only with speech less intelligible.

For those of you who do not know or remember who Foster Brooks is, here is a reminder!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yACWE3CzmYQ

Now if this were a post being made on a professional level, believe me, I would rephrase this entire post, but being that I am not making a work related video–except for those of you who work at the Texas Department of Criminal Justice, I shall refrain from all logic because at your place of employment, there is NO SUCH THING!  Have a great week, everyone!

In the meantime, here is some interesting reading fodder for those who seriously would like to check out the issues below…

 

AS CHEESY as this was IT DOES DESERVE to be UPDATED & REMADE!

RE: “The Fearless Vampire Killers”

I am think that this is a vampire comedy that DOES need to be remade–with all the SCHLOCK and such a good writer can muster! Some Indie writer out there can surely get Polanski on board to agree to this.  I thought this was one of the funniest movies I had ever seen.   I for one loved the skewed vision of Polanski in this–and the way it seems to remind me of a Hammer film tribute  just a tad!

Whatever type of vampire movie there is, this movie takes a stab at eliciting a laugh or two by poking fun at them all. If True Blood  (the series) or movies such as “Love At First Bite” had been made, I’m sure he’d have in some way poked fun at those too!  Either way, it would be nice if some writer picked up on this concept–put it in front of Polanski and see if they can make a new comedy that audiences can actually enjoy–without all the crap for the teen market!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1Lql8c75I0

And I’ll post about this once a year!  Here is my question though…Who the heck could pull off Alfie and Sarah’s parts?

 

Texspearean Experience–“Merchant of Venice”….Nana’s version…Well, a Snippet Anyway! ;-)

I am working on a contemporary version of the Merchant of Venice–by William Shakespeare. However, this version is going to be written in the Texspearean language for those who have trouble with reading the great bard’s work.  It is my hope that he has a sense of humor because if he doesn’t, and reincarnation is real (which I don’t think it is-sorry), then with my luck he’d come back as the person who stomps me into the ground–because, I’d return as a  friggin’ cockroach!

Seriously this thing is playing out in my mind…That can be very dangerous.  Be afraid…Be VERY afraid.  What you are about to read is not something you will find in the world which you now know, but you will find it only in, “The Tina Zone” when she’s sleepy…This is part of my journal, folks. DISCLAIMER: I do not take XANAX or PROZAC!

The woman dozed off for a bit…She was exhausted from her long workday, but was thinking heavily about “The Merchant of Venice” before turning off the light and closing her eyes for the night…For some strange reason she saw a contemporary scene played out at the end of this short little dream where someone uttered the line, “No s***, Shylock!”, at which point she woke up for a bit, but as she dozed off, this scenario crossed her mind:

“…NERISSA How like you the young German, the Duke of Saxony‘s nephew?

PORTIA Very vilely in the morning, when he is sober, and
most vilely in the afternoon, when he is drunk: when
he is best, he is a little worse than a man, and
when he is worst, he is little better than a beast:
and the worst fall that ever fell, I hope I shall
make shift to go without him….”

In contemporary language in today’s world, she knows how Portia’s answering line would open in such a version…It would start with two words: “…Bitch, please!” and then go on to “…I can’t stand the dude!…” among other things.  Then she would explain the reasons for hoping she could just be left to her own devices or run off to join the French Foreign Legion…”  

Then again, that is the world of Tina when she’s tired and dozing off.  Have a great week! I know I will! I at least hope it makes someone laugh. I love reading Shakespeare, but when it comes to talking about it, my wires ALWAYS end up crossed and I end up creating this stuff one beast at a time!  I do love comedy, so that’s probably part of  it.

 

Happy Thanksgiving to All!

And I hope you all have a wonderful time with family, friends, and/or loved ones. I’ll be at work and will go to Mom’s after or early in the a.m.

Here’s a laugh for ya!

Oh Come on! You knew this was coming! LOL Have a great one!

I Simply DO NOT Get It…Nana’s Practical Joke!

Many of my friends who know me know that I am anything BUT a prude.  I don’t believe in changing the proper name of something to make it more appealing to the subjugated masses of America.  That being said I am putting something on my blog never done to the best of my knowledge. I am putting a pair of TIT pictures on here. That is right! A Pair of Tits!  To make it easier–two pictures of two kinds of tits!  Now anyone can use my link for a practical joke and say, “For a nice looking pair of tits–check this link!”   That will teach those with a dirty mind to come here, won’t it? At least I am good for a laugh or two…

Here are the blue tits!

I think it is the part of the responsibility of EVERY writer to elicit laughter from the audience once in a while… ***Grins sheepishly here***! If you were sent here by a friend and cannot take a joke, then I’ll say to you in my best TEXSPEAREAN manner: “Don’t blame me so harshly for I didn’t name the critters! However if it should offend ‘ye then ’tis you that hath a burr in yer craw! And jus’ so ye know, them Brits have two species: Great Tits and Blue Tits and notwithstanding my dig forthwith ‘ye know I believe they love those tits!”

Well you can’t blame me! After all, I didn’t name ’em did I?