I’m No Fan of the Media

I will make this short and not-so-sweet.

It’s funny how when a celebrity dies, the media thinks it’s everyone’s business how the estate gets divided up. It does not matter how the math works out in one’s head because it is nobody’s damned business.

Duncan Jones’s mother left him with David Bowie long before Iman came into the picture. He provided for his education and such. That was well before his sister was born. If you figure that in, it pans out in the end. However the three of them just lost what no amount of money can replace–a husband, father and friend.

That being said, it is not the public’s business where the estate ends up, and the media along with the armchair experts should shut their collective pie-hole.

That is all I will say on that subject.

As She Lay Dying

Does it sound poetic? Well it isn’t. I’m in a house that I spent a few years of my life in while waiting for the most important person in my life to begin the next leg of her journey.  Soon the memories of my precious mother will overcome me and my family along with a river of tears.

However, as we come face to face with the fact that the four of us will now be orphaned,  this leg of the journey brings an end to her suffering.

I am sitting here listening to the old time gospel music I grew up on recorded by Grand Ol Opry greats…Yes, rockers always go back to their roots. My roots are deeply carved. into every bit of soil and through every river and creek my ancestors swam in and fished from around here.

There is an undeniable fact I will share here. God is real. The journey never ends. We merely are changed. I believe when my mother leaves us, she will be with my Granny and a lot of relatives who left before her. Even now I believe that she sees them or hears them waiting.

I don’t care what others believe, but I know from personal experience that God is not a figment of the imagination. God s the reason I have a love for nature and the a deep respect for the fury it gives us from time to time. God is also the reason I don’t fear what is to come. He is also the reason I can love and forgive others.

My mother’s journey on this orb we call Earth is about to end. I am grateful that God blessed me with her for 53 years. I will carry her forever in my heart, and will do my best to be there for my sons, for one day they will be in the position I am now in.

It is my hope that they will stand together strong and in brotherly love when faced with loss of a parent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Another Day in My Life: First post of 2016

In the last four days I’ve come face to face with the reality that I will be an orphan. The word “orphan” is usually associated with a child who was given up by parents or both parents are deceased. Well, the inner child dwelling within me will fall into the latter category one day…

My sister and I respect our mother, and as we were taught, we will respect her wishes.  We have placed her into in-home hospice. Over and over she has let it be known that she wants to die in her own bed, and being that this woman is the most important person in my life at the moment, what she wants is all that matters. This is how 2016 began for my family.

As opposed to when I lost my dad or a grandparent, the emotions here are different. Mom has good days and bad days. Given that she has days where she is lucid and is the woman I knew, there are days when she is not. During the latter, the dementia can totally transform the people we know and love into an alien life form, barely recognizable…

Those are the days that are difficult but I am going to hang onto every lucid moment that I can get. The nurses and workers who are in the trenches every day with this should be commended. Thank you, Ms. Colorado for your monologue on nursing. People need to watch it.   The nurses that took care of my mom at Hendrick Medical Center treated my mother with dignity and respect. She hasn’t been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s but she does have some dementia.

The nurses are more than nurses. The aides are more than aides. They also helped me to cope. They also bore the brunt of the difficult moments. For that I am grateful. Anyone who wants to make a detracting, snarky statement should come talk to me.  Joy Behar,  in particular should take note. If she wants to continue in her snarky commentary due to her lack of education and/or common sense, she should be job hunting because journalism is clearly not her forte.

When dealing with sensitive subject matter, if someone is going to editorialize and not report the facts of a matter, they should remain silent rather than reveal themselves for the incompetent writers that they are. Entertainment at the expense of the elderly, the vets, the nurses, doctors and aides is not entertainment. It is an insult and this viewer will not watch any show that allows its writers and/or hosts to engage in such detracting garbage.

Why? Because my mother is the most important person in my world at this moment, as is every other person who suffers from such things. If writers cannot comprehend that we should be responsible adults when dealing with these subjects, then it is time to back away from the pen and the keyboard.

 

 

People Who Complete Suicide Should Never Be Judged…

I had originally written this as a Face Book status, but decided to share it here as well. We never know what is going on in the mind of someone who dies this, but I do know this much, for whatever reason they could bear no more–and should not be judged by some standard set by those who have not walked a mile in that person’s shoes. That being said, here is what I posted:

” Those who commit suicide should not be judged. My stepmother completed suicide in Sept. of 1978. She had more going on than a lot of us knew. She was truly mentally ill. She had actually became the different personalities that possessed her. One of those personalities loved to point the same gun to my head that she shot herself with. THEN it hit me when a year or so passed that it could have been me. She also had problems so severe that she was medicating herself beyond belief. Not all people kill themselves over the same issues .When I came to understand the hell that mental illness can cause another human being as an adult, it became much easier to forgive her. As a child I was unable to understand the depth of her torment. Some people can hide their torment rather well by channeling it differently. It is too bad that many hide it well but never truly overcome it. We have lost many a great talent due to this. RIP Robin Williams. “

I am not saying that he suffered as my stepmother did (before anyone starts in on that idea). I am simply pointing out that no one ever truly knows the depth of suffering one who does this goes through at the time they complete the act.

I’ve heard people talk about those who commit suicide as being “selfish” and such.  That is farther from the truth than Earth is from Pluto. It is more accurate to say that  those who do this tend to seek a permanent solution to what could be a non-permanent problem.

I’m convinced if my stepmother had received treatment–proper treatment–she may be alive today. She could not overcome her illnesses and demons on her own, so she escaped the only way she could see to do so.

As for Robin Williams, he fought with his own demons for years. He also learned that he was suffering from a debilitating and potentially (and often) deadly illness. In my opinion taking his own life in his mind and in others who are now aware of this is anything BUT selfish. In fact, I feel that in his mind he was probably trying in his own way to not be a burden to others as his illness progressed. He chose the means and way to go, and completed the act.

Now that this has been revealed, I have asked myself, “If things ever came to that would I take my life?”

The answer is “No. I wouldn’t.”  Why? “Because I would never want my family to suffer the way I did after Judy took her own life.”

I also have some very good reasons to hang around and here is one of them:

Here’s the Lil’ Man–My grandson…And he just turned 2.

 

 

 

Kevin with Football

The Club Nobody Wants To Be In (Part 2)–They are Still Fathers…

This is a link to an older article which does a “Where Are they Now?” type of thing on David Smith–Susan Smith’s ex…

http://www.hlntv.com/slideshow/2013/10/09/david-smith-susan-smith-killed-sons-where-are-they-now

Having lost a child, this is a common thing to happen–where he talks about having more good days than bad,  but still having those days that bring a person to the knees…I still have them, but my son’s twin wasn’t murdered…The baby died early in the pregnancy and they insisted at the doctor’s office that I was no longer pregnant…When I went back  later with the ever-present morning, noon and night sickness that went on for weeks after losing the baby, they discovered there was another baby in the other sac.

I simply do not understand why society expects men to be what I can only describe as “unattached” to their own grief.  This is something we as a society need to move away from. Those who push this mentality need to be strongly addressed.  Men are every bit as emotional as women are, and they may not always show it in the way society has demanded, but society and it’s expectations should not rule how an individual would handle this issue–ever…Quite frankly, I am surprised at how many experts on grief, as a general rule, think that they are qualified to address the issue of  how to handle losing a child. This is especially true of those who never experienced such a loss.

Losing a child in any way is hell, but losing two in the way that Smith’s were lost would break even the strongest of men. However this man, despite those bad days, still drives on.  For that I admire him.  Nobody likes this little club that anyone who has lost a child is in, but I would like to see society lay off of the men…They can hurt like everyone else. Let them grieve because they also lost a child or (as in this case) more…

And for those who lost a child like I did, the men are still fathers just as assuredly as women who lost a child are still mothers.  People need to understand this, so please think before commenting and be just as considerate of the fathers as you should be of the mothers. That lost child (or those lost children) will remain a part of them forever.

 

A Club Nobody Wants to Join…

I have been down for the past 2 days.  Depression over losing a child 28 years ago set in and it will pass, but what brought it on should not surprise anyone.  A friend of mine lost her daughter two days ago. She was waiting for a heart transplant. It is quite different to lose an older child but the pain is the same for us both.  We will never get to see our children’s “what might have been” and there will always be an empty space at the table.

For a while people seem empathetic and will listen to us. They will allow us to cry on their shoulders for a bit, but if they have never been in this unique club, there comes a day when they stop listening and we are left to deal with the wreckage alone. They do not know how to deal with our pain so they say things like, “You need to get over it.” or “You need to come back to the living.’  Well god forbid they ever have to join the membership of this club because then they will know the reality of the situation. Some even go so far as to say “You can have another child.” OR “You have other children.” Excuse me, but NO CHILD replaces a lost child. One can have 10 more children after and they still mourn the one that is lost. Believe me…I KNOW this for a fact.

Every would-have-been birthday is greeted with the utmost dread.  Every Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc…is greeted with thoughts of “what might have been”. In short, losing a child is a pain we never recover from–we just learn to deal with it in our own way.  To this day I cannot attend funerals of children/babies.  It literally tears me to fucking  pieces and nobody understands why. It is simple–it brings up my pain that I am still dealing with after 28 years and I feel so bad for the other parent(s) because having been a long-standing member of this god forsaken club, I know what they are in for in the long run.

If you want to help or understand a grieving parent, try not saying anything. Just listen. Wipe our tears when they come. Whatever you do, don’t say things like those mentioned above. While well-meaning they actually cut like a bloody knife.  I apologize for my language earlier but I am NOT having a good day today. I don’t know if I will have a better one tomorrow either, but at least I have a pillow to cry on and can be there for my friend as she needs me.

 

Yes, People Kill People But….

Look, I do not talk about this a lot. Yes, I DO support the right of EVERY law-abiding citizen to own a gun, but mental health in this country has to be addressed.  I’m not into all this gun grabbing crap a lot of people are trying to push for,  but I see nothing wrong with flagging people who have severe behavioral disorders from getting a gun. If people are arrested for domestic violence, robbery, assault, etc…they should automatically have their guns confiscated also until found not guilty–and if found guilty, they should not be returned to anyone in the household, but sold to cover costs incurred by the county and/or state.

I do not agree with the extreme left on this issue because they give off a perception that they do have a goal to take ALL guns away, or at least many of them do. However, these violent groups of people have to be dealt with.

I do not think it is that much to ask for. I’m not advocating limitations on all guns or gun sales, just to individuals who have such records.

Had such a system been in place in the 1970’s my stepmother might not have blown her brains out when I was almost 15. Was she mentally ill? Yes. We found out AFTER her death that she had been institutionalized. Her favorite thing to do when my dad was at work was to point that .22 that she killed herself with and put it to my temple as her method of “discipline” which was nothing more than terrorism in my home.

To this day, people, I can still feel the cold end of that gun at my temple. Sometimes I wake up dreaming about it. It was only after she died that I realized that this wasn’t just a surrealistic nightmare I lived in, but that she could have, at any moment, blown my brains out and anyone else’s in the house too.

Unless you lived through it, I know you can’t relate to it and more went on than that, which I will not discuss. Funny thing is I didn’t really realize what “normal” was until I got around “normal families” that sat at the table together and such after her death. I grew to pity her. Hopefully, she is at peace. I forgave her long ago, and despite the nightmares I have once in a while, I can still feel pity for her and understand that she could not help herself–but that the state failed to help her a long, long time ago.

I will say this much for those who have gone through something like this at the hands of a mentally ill relative or person close to your family. What helped me was to forgive her. Once I did that, the nightmares gradually happened less often, and became less intense. I actually stood over her grave about seven years ago and told her that I forgive her. Anyway, I hope that does help someone out there. I know forgiving her did help me.

When There is No Justice, There Are Tears Without End

Today I am charged with writing something about my best friend.  This is the hardest post I ever had to write. Why? Because she is dead. She has been dead for years, but in high school she was my best friend. She knew everything about me and never shared it with anyone.  To this day I  still wonder why her killers got off with only a 7 year sentence when it was clearly premeditated murder. Had I been able to attend the trial,  I would have raised hell to the media about how HER character was put on trial rather than the actions of the bitch that pumped the bullets into her body.  She was lured out to a desolate road, shot and left for dead. The last conversation I had with her, we talked about my boys and such. Then she said she had to go to meet someone. That was the last time we ever spoke.

So what ended up happening? To make a long story short, they didn’t find the deposit. I guess they were high on drugs or something because they tore the rest of the car apart looking for it from what I am told. So what is there to say? My memories were of good, clean juvenile fun we had and a few in-depth discussions. Ironically I never met her father until well after she died.  She and I would talk for hours on the phone just BS’ing.  He remembered that. I remember the pain in his eyes. I remember seeing his tears fall as he relayed to me his thoughts about losing his only daughter.  Losing a child is a pain I can relate to, only I lost mine due to troubled pregnancies.

And as my eyes are now welling up, I can say no more–except this and that hope she is at peace, even though she got NO justice. Here is part of a song I wrote for her…Her name is Leslie.

“Childhood Friend”

“..Childhood Friend…Why have you gone out to play in all the rain, again?

Leaving me alone, your memory to defend to the end.

God it hurts so bad but I miss my childhood friend…”

I cannot write anymore.  I still miss her after all these years. I guess you can tell just from what I wrote above where the 2nd line came from…But she is dead and cannot defend herself. The person I knew is not the one the defense lawyer for these murderers tried to portray. That I do know and will go to my grave knowing it. I can tell you this…Not once did she ever try to offer me drugs of any kind–which is what the defense for these ass clowns tried to say she was doing in her free time to make THEM look a little better, I guess.  Given my childhood, which most who know me personally are aware of–if she were offering anyone drugs I would have been a prime candidate for self-medication back then just to escape the bull crap that went on in my life.

RIP Leslie…I still miss you, kid…

I also have an aunt who was murdered…They never found who did that either…Either way, Leslie got no justice and my aunt’s killers are out there and it sucks.

Affluenza + Defense = I Smell It Hitting the Fan in Texas

Yes everyone, here I go again…I am PISSED…Majorly PISSED that any judge in my state could get duped the way this one did.  Could someone explain to me what judge in their right mind would let ANYONE go who went out, got drunk, and plowed into 4 pedestrians, killing them?  One of the friends in his truck can no longer move or speak.  The other was severely injured…THIS means 6 people got hurt–not including family members who are devastated by their losses.

I will be surprised as hell if the verdict isn’t set aside. I don’t want to hear this bullshit from the defense attorney that the judge gave the best “possible sentence” given the defense used.  Well wait until you hear what the expert who testified for this kid said! This is a doozy!  However, let’s go back to where it all began and go step by step so that everyone understands why this case REALLY pisses me off as a mother…Look at Brianna Mitchell’s mother (Marla Mitchell) and Eric Boyles in this clip below. Please explain to me how ANY competent judge can let this slide like this when this kid has had problems BEFORE this after seeing how heartbroken they are, and will be until the day they die?  And what about that youth pastor‘s family?  His name was Brian Jennings. These were living, breathing human beings that had a future ahead of them and they deserve a hell of a lot better than what they got in court this week!

Now here is the clincher…The defense says HE IS A VICTIM…Bullshit! This Affluenza Defense is no more valid than the Twinkie Defense. This kid should be doing time like everyone else would be!  If the parents didn’t hold him accountable for his actions before now in all these years, the judge should have grown a damned  pair and said, “Well it’s time you learned what real consequences are! You took FOUR lives, Ethan Couch! FOUR LIVES!  You are old enough to KNOW right and wrong. Ignorance of law is certainly no excuse or reason for you! FOUR people will never see their families again! Four people will never hug their family members, share another Christmas or Thanksgiving with their families.  This defense called “Affluenza” simply means that you were a spoiled brat that got away with far too much! Well not this time!  I’ll be damned if I let you walk out of here and kill anyone else on my watch! Not only that, you destroyed your OWN family with your stupid actions! Are you proud now? Do you think this is funny or cool? Well try this one Ethan Couch–!”  Then he would have received a minimum of 20 years flat-time!  Not that it would bring the victims back but this kid would finally know what it’s like to get his ass handed back to him on a freaking platter!

I personally want to know why in the state of Texas, which today needs a serious wake up call, that there is obviously two standards of justice here? One for this kid and another for those not as “affluent”?  I’m wondering if race would have made a difference if the income and proposals were the same? Somehow I am left with reason to doubt that and I once had faith in the justice system of this state.

Anyway here is the clip.  http://www.cnn.com/2013/12/12/justice/texas-teen-dwi-wreck/

Here are the 4 victims who died and the one who remains paralyzed.

These people will never hug their loved ones again. Their lives were cut horribly short by one spoiled brat--Oh--it's called "Affluenza"--so must I be politically correct?

These people will never hug their loved ones again. Their lives were cut horribly short by one spoiled brat–Oh–it’s called “Affluenza”–so must I be politically correct? L-R: Brian Jennings, Brianna Mitchell, Hollie Boyles and Shelby Boyles (her daughter). They all stopped to help Brianna change a flat tire.

This kid was riding with Couch, but is actually, in sense a fifth victim.  He is paralyzed and communicates via blinking his eyes.

This kid was riding with Couch, but is actually, in sense a fifth victim. He is paralyzed and communicates via blinking his eyes.

I truly hope this verdict is set aside for the sake of the families and that justice is actually served. This was NOT by any means, a fair ruling. The whole defense of “Affluenza” itself was a stupid one. Even the expert who testified says now that he wishes that he had never used that term.  This is not a diagnosis that is recognized by experts anyway. I’m going to add a few more links that a reader might find of interest on this subject, but I am closing with this: Do not drink and drive. No family deserves what these families got in any way, shape or form.  Thank you.

Another link of interest:  http://www.cbsnews.com/news/affluenza-slammed-as-defense-for-wealthy-texas-teens-fatal-dwi-wreck/

And still another:  http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/rich-kid-who-killed-four-spared-jail/story-e6frf7jo-1226781114284

A Question Most Who Engage in this Will NOT Answer…

Why is it when a celebrity dies, there is some sort of envy that they were ever famous?  Better yet why do people feel the need to bring attention to themselves by slamming the fans who are grieving or putting posts up about who or what they feel focus should be on? Seriously…People need to get off of that self-elevating crap  because that is exactly what it is. It is not about anyone who died, it is about anyone who wants to bring attention to themselves by bashing those who are expressing sympathy for the celebrities‘ families and such.

This part is for those who feel the need to engage in such behavior in social media:  Look, if you don’t want celebrity status that is your choice. You chose your life path, and you are simply jealous of their recognition so you try to bring some to yourself by bashing them. They earned their status and whatever else came their way. If you are jealous of that, it is you that has the problem, not the celebrity (or late celebrity).  It doesn’t garner you much respect either. Either way, the fans identify with the celebrity they are grieving because they come into their homes or into the theaters and are visible to them. If they are musicians, they hear their words that touch their lives daily.

YOU want them to grieve the invisible–the ones they don’t see, but yet you seem to have a connection with. This is especially true when people post about troops that died on a celebrity death thread. That doesn’t mean the fans feel no regret for the loss of anyone–especially a soldier, sailor, airman, etc…But you have no right to tell anyone how they should feel or how they should express grief–let alone WHO they should grieve at any given time. You have no right to try to lay a guilt trip on them for your own pleasure either.

IF you want to grieve someone, put up your own tributes and leave the fans of the celebrities alone. You don’t help yourself by bashing them, belittling or bullying them either.  They are entitled to what they feel as are you.

For those wondering what the heck I am talking about, THIS appeared on FB the other day:

This is one example of what people will create to bring attention to themselves and cause crap...

This is one example of what people will create to bring attention to themselves and cause crap…The chances are, the person who created this didn’t know who Paul Walker or Roger Rodas were, but used this to bash fans with because he/she had nothing better to do with his/her time.

And just so everyone is aware, I have seen condolences posted toward both families on twitter, FaceBook and elsewhere…This behavior is inexcusable and immature–period.

The bottom line is that when anyone dies, they leave friends, family, co-workers and in the case of celebrities, a lot of fans and colleagues behind.  They are entitled to grieve in any way they see fit and if the people making such posts have a problem with that, they need to find another way to channel their negative energy or simply get quiet.

Then again, I am sure they will continue to engage in such behavior because it is far easier to bully a group from behind a keyboard than it is to say it to their faces, isn’t it?