The Club Nobody Wants To Be In (Part 2)–They are Still Fathers…

This is a link to an older article which does a “Where Are they Now?” type of thing on David Smith–Susan Smith’s ex…

http://www.hlntv.com/slideshow/2013/10/09/david-smith-susan-smith-killed-sons-where-are-they-now

Having lost a child, this is a common thing to happen–where he talks about having more good days than bad,  but still having those days that bring a person to the knees…I still have them, but my son’s twin wasn’t murdered…The baby died early in the pregnancy and they insisted at the doctor’s office that I was no longer pregnant…When I went back  later with the ever-present morning, noon and night sickness that went on for weeks after losing the baby, they discovered there was another baby in the other sac.

I simply do not understand why society expects men to be what I can only describe as “unattached” to their own grief.  This is something we as a society need to move away from. Those who push this mentality need to be strongly addressed.  Men are every bit as emotional as women are, and they may not always show it in the way society has demanded, but society and it’s expectations should not rule how an individual would handle this issue–ever…Quite frankly, I am surprised at how many experts on grief, as a general rule, think that they are qualified to address the issue of  how to handle losing a child. This is especially true of those who never experienced such a loss.

Losing a child in any way is hell, but losing two in the way that Smith’s were lost would break even the strongest of men. However this man, despite those bad days, still drives on.  For that I admire him.  Nobody likes this little club that anyone who has lost a child is in, but I would like to see society lay off of the men…They can hurt like everyone else. Let them grieve because they also lost a child or (as in this case) more…

And for those who lost a child like I did, the men are still fathers just as assuredly as women who lost a child are still mothers.  People need to understand this, so please think before commenting and be just as considerate of the fathers as you should be of the mothers. That lost child (or those lost children) will remain a part of them forever.

 

A Club Nobody Wants to Join…

I have been down for the past 2 days.  Depression over losing a child 28 years ago set in and it will pass, but what brought it on should not surprise anyone.  A friend of mine lost her daughter two days ago. She was waiting for a heart transplant. It is quite different to lose an older child but the pain is the same for us both.  We will never get to see our children’s “what might have been” and there will always be an empty space at the table.

For a while people seem empathetic and will listen to us. They will allow us to cry on their shoulders for a bit, but if they have never been in this unique club, there comes a day when they stop listening and we are left to deal with the wreckage alone. They do not know how to deal with our pain so they say things like, “You need to get over it.” or “You need to come back to the living.’  Well god forbid they ever have to join the membership of this club because then they will know the reality of the situation. Some even go so far as to say “You can have another child.” OR “You have other children.” Excuse me, but NO CHILD replaces a lost child. One can have 10 more children after and they still mourn the one that is lost. Believe me…I KNOW this for a fact.

Every would-have-been birthday is greeted with the utmost dread.  Every Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc…is greeted with thoughts of “what might have been”. In short, losing a child is a pain we never recover from–we just learn to deal with it in our own way.  To this day I cannot attend funerals of children/babies.  It literally tears me to fucking  pieces and nobody understands why. It is simple–it brings up my pain that I am still dealing with after 28 years and I feel so bad for the other parent(s) because having been a long-standing member of this god forsaken club, I know what they are in for in the long run.

If you want to help or understand a grieving parent, try not saying anything. Just listen. Wipe our tears when they come. Whatever you do, don’t say things like those mentioned above. While well-meaning they actually cut like a bloody knife.  I apologize for my language earlier but I am NOT having a good day today. I don’t know if I will have a better one tomorrow either, but at least I have a pillow to cry on and can be there for my friend as she needs me.

 

How Times Have Changed…

In 2014, the 3oth Anniversary of Live Aid will be celebrated, I’m sure.  1984 was a self-defining Christmas for me and for a lot of my generation because we were forced for the first time in our hedonistic generation’s existence to think about someone else in another part of the globe. The artists had the guts to put this in our faces and to this day I still respect them for it.

In recent years we’ve seen so much focus on the self among our own youth that somewhere along the road, they didn’t find that same sense of purpose–yet. It appears to me that we are so focused on ourselves and pissed about what our government is doing in this country that we’ve lost sight of ONE fact.  WE CAN CHANGE THINGS–ONE PERSON AT A TIME.  However we must start with ourselves. We can and must  lead the way for a younger generation.  We cannot leave this up to others because it is not their job to do our job. It is up to us to impart a sense of what is good and what is right into our children, our grandchildren and in a few more years–maybe our great-grandchildren.

Have a great weekend, and enjoy the video. I hope it renews the fire in your soul that we had back when were younger.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjQzJAKxTrE

 

They started it all...

They started it all…

 

Parents, Parents, Parents! It’s TERM PAPER TIME! Here is HOW to Help Your Student!

Parents, if you’re helping kids with their term papers and such, MAKE SURE that the blog posts they are citing  (IF THEY ARE USING THEM) are run by REAL PEOPLE whose credentials you can verify. There are a lot of phonies out there giving out phony facts to elevate their egos and they are spreading a LOT of false information about various subjects they claim to be experts in.  If the paper counts for a MAJOR GRADE, your quick thinking may make the difference between an A/B paper and a C/F one.

If they name a university, check out its website and see if that person is a faculty member. If that person’s name is NOT on file, then the whole site is bogus! Tell your kid to keep looking!  That’s the best way to check it. Then direct your child to find something easier to verify. In fact, if you want to, call that professor up on the university extension IF that person’s REAL name is on the blog, and ask him/her and verify that this is his/her site. A lot of people do rip off ID‘s. Most professors won’t mind verifying the info either and if it is not their blog, they will take action to shut it down.

There are too many “wannabe” experts out there pretending to be somebody they aren’t. Some get paid for each hit on their website. Think of it this way, if the site is bogus, you’re not just helping your student to a better grade, you might be preventing possible internet fraud.

Tune in next time for another writing tip…Same bat time! Same bat channel!

 

 

Kadja Cries When She Sees This…

Even though I am grown, the little girl in me still has her triggers.  This song is one of those triggers.  However it is an important song and every word of it rings true. I can relate to Alyssa, but I was more fortunate. I lived to tell you my story. Please do not wait until it is too late to act on behalf of a child. You might be the only voice that can reach into the right places to save a life.  Please watch the video and don’t go off on religion because what your belief system is isn’t the issue here.  The genre of music you prefer is also not the issue here.  The message of this song is an important one. It was then, and it is now.

I was abused at home and bullied at school.  I know the reality of such an existence and NO child should ever go through the things I have endured.  To this day I do not associate much with former classmates.  Why? They are triggers. They may very well be different people now, but the place and seeing them still triggers memories of a time and a place that made me stronger–but it also made me a very non-trusting individual in my later years.  Some of my classmates are friends, but there are those I avoid for a reason.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLh5vbBLpxI

What Will it Take? Too Many Kids Die from This…

People need to watch this and PLEASE share it! So many kids die in hot cars…Having lost a child due to a miscarriage years ago, this made me cry buckets tonight. Get your Kleenex. People who are this careless make me angry to this day.  I know people who are struggling to have children who would never dream of doing this to ANY child. Maybe this will make a young mother think twice about locking her kid(s) in a car to just “run in for a few things”.

Many toddlers die from vehicular heat stroke,  people….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNDWN8KDVSM#at=370

 

It Is Time to Criminalize Bullying at School…

Yes…I have been quiet as of late.  I have contemplated this school bullying issue again and again.  I will say this and you can find out for yourself.  Take the time to look through a high school rule book in Texas and compare it to the rules for offenders in the Texas Department of Criminal Justice (which is in the offender rule book).  The similarities might shock you.

Why is it in schools they worry about the peach-fuzz Johnny is growing on his chin or the piercings Jenny has in her eyebrow but they say the bullying, which is actually either physical assaults or emotional abuse–not to mention cyber-bullying is a “phase”?  That, for lack of a better word, is bullshit.

The teachers are the “officers”–powerless to defend themselves and other students from bullies for fear of litigation or losing their job.  The Texas Youth Commission officers are not much different.  The administrators are like the prison wardens, only the prison warden has tools at his/her disposal to stop offenders from being bullied to the point of suicide and such.

Since the days of John Dewey, the school climate has drastically changed.  America has a growing population of gang kids and/or kids of hardened criminals rising up in the ranks of the students and they are creating problems on the campuses.  Family members often ignore or encourage the behavior, blaming everything on the teachers and admins or blaming the other kid (the victim).  When the hell did we start conditioning or students to be “good inmates”?  School should be a sanctuary for learning, not institutions for control and indoctrination.

The prisons have the Prison Rape Elimination Act in place to help protect offenders.  If society is so willing to protect them, why is it that we are failing in this nation to protect our children?  I think every parent who has a son or daughter being bullied should actually study the PREA.  The language in it is strong, but a new act can be drafted based on that to protect students from bullies.  Here are a few things I propose…

1.  Any time a student is found to have been bullied, the school must notify parents within 2 hours of becoming aware of it.

2. If a student has been physically assaulted, the bully is to be treated the same way as if he/she committed the crime of assault off-campus–meaning that being at school does NOT exempt students from obeying the law and does not give schools the option to NOT report crimes to the police department.  If they have to report child abuse when suspected in the home, then this should also be a requirement.

3. The school must report and prosecute all physical assaults and take measures to fully protect the victims of physical assaults of any nature, which includes sexual assaults.

4. Sexual assaults ON CAMPUS are to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law and if it occurs on school property, administration should have to fill out incident packets to turn over to police officers for use in the prosecution of  the perpetrator within 2 hours of becoming aware of the assault(s).

5. Victims of bullying should never have to be moved to another school for protection. It is the bullies that should be split up and sent to other schools at their parents’ expense. Hit the parents in the pocket-book, they will learn to control their children.

6. Any school official not reporting bullying incidents to parents and/or taking proper action against what amounts to be criminal acts should face automatic disciplinary hearings and possible loss of licenses from the Texas Education Agency.  This will stop a lot of these administrators from enabling and becoming complacent.  They should also be able to face penal charges in severe cases and civil charges in the lower degree offenses if not reporting them.

7.  The way I see it, their rights end where the next victim commits suicide over the issue.  In cases where it is found that parents enabled their son/daughter to torment another student, they should be fined in successive amounts for their negligence in each offense. Money collected from fines can be used to pay for supplies for needy students and uniforms (if schools require those).

8. It should be expressly stated in the act that no teacher or school official will face penalties under the law for taking appropriate actions to protect themselves and other students from those who seek to harm them during an incident.  This way they can step in to break up altercations and such.  The staff should not be expected to take beatings any more than the bullied child.  This would give districts some teeth in dealing with bad situations.

9. All teachers and administration officials will be required to take PMAB classes to learn proper ways of restraining violent, out of control students.  Parents will sign an agreement that they know teachers are trained in this and that if their student gets out of control, they can be restrained, releasing the district from liability.

10. Students with severe behavior disorders that require psych meds will either take those meds or not attend school until they do so. Parents will make sure this happens or face child neglect charges.

11. Students prone to violent outbursts will not be educated in the regular classroom after 2 outbursts, but will be taught in a separate classroom provided and monitored closely.  After 2 outbursts this will be permanent.  This is only reserved for students with severe behavioral issues.

12. The profession of teaching in the State of Texas will become an “at will” position in order to effectively enforce bullying policies.  This means when educators aren’t doing their job with these bullies, they can be fired without all the union bullshit. If failing to report assaults and such to the police and to the victims’ parents, they should face the same penalties for that as for failing to report child abuse.

Anyway, these are just ideas I’m tossing around in my head. What do you think?

26 Years After Losing a Child, I Still Wonder…

It was 26–almost 27 years ago that I miscarried. I remember the sac and such.  I was told I wasn’t pregnant anymore, yet two weeks later I still had morning sickness and such.  Then that doctor said, “It’s psychological and was going to send me to a “counselor”.”  After ranting for about 20 minutes about how having a kid is like riding a bicycle, they decided to do an ultrasound and another pregnancy test.

When the test came back “positive” my doctor was baffled.  Then they did the ultrasound. Sure enough, there was another sac with a fetus inside of it–with a heartbeat.  That was my son, Brian.  The doctor looked at me and said, “It is very rare to lose one and keep the other but it has happened before.  Most of the time these pregnancies are difficult and still result in loss…” and I stopped listening at that point.

The pregnancy was difficult. I spent the last few weeks in bed. Brian was 6 lbs. 8 ounces when he was born and was still estimated to have been born 6-8 weeks early.  He had reflux and had to sleep at an angle after he almost died at 2 months.  His stomach valve wasn’t fully developed and this caused his milk to go to this lungs when he spit up.

To this day I wonder what his twin might have been like. Boy? Girl? Red haired and blue-eyed like him, or more like me–dark hair and green/hazel eyes…I can say this, no child replaces another. I still mourn the loss of the one. It is very insensitive to tell a mother who has lost a baby via miscarriage or stillbirth anything such as “Well at least you can have another one.” or as in my case, “You don’t need any more children anyway. You already have one.”   I never spoke to that “friend” again either.

I also want to add losing a child does not mean one is not a mother or a father. They still are. They still grieve and mourn and go through the gamut of emotions that go with any death of a loved one.  The fathers go through the experience as well so it is not fair to expect them to be any less traumatized or hurt. Guys, if you have a male friend whose girlfriend or wife went through this, let him grieve and listen. At least then you are being a true friend to him. The same goes for the women who have never experienced it. There is NO right thing to say, but just listening helps.  So do hugs and allowing the person their grief.  This “being stoic” thing is bullshit.  Don’t expect that. We are human. We feel. We cry. We mourn.  Deal with it or just keep  quiet.

We do make our way back eventually, in our own time and in our own way.

 

Sometimes Nana DOES know best…

Lil’ Man’s daddy decided to get a motorcycle…Nana said, “Don’t get that! It’s a damned death trap!” because she KNOWS her sons.  Well, guess what?! He didn’t even have it 36 hours, wiped out and hurt his shoulder.  He’s in a sling. I went to take him some money, but he had me to go ALL the way across town to take it to Daphne and told me to do so via the phone because he didn’t want me to see him like that. God help her!  I took it to her and let her know what he said to me…

Now bear in mind I had NO idea about his wrecking the motorcycle already. He never said a word about it.  She burst out laughing and told me EVERYTHING.  I then made it a point to call and say “I told you so!” and one of these days when I am dead and gone, I am certain that they will hear those four words echo in their heads every time they do something that in my life worried me to death about them all!  I take comfort in the fact that ONE DAY Lil’ Man’s daddy is going to know this feeling ALL TOO WELL!

Sometimes things do NOT change when the kids are grown…We still are concerned over them and there are times when we KNOW their personalities well enough that we KNOW with dead on accuracy that there are some things they cannot handle. Lil Man’s dad and motorcycles definitely do not mix…

Have a great weekend!

Letter to Lil Man:

Dear Kevin D. (aka “Lil Man) Thomas:

You are a child who is blessed with a mother and father that love you.  When I held you in my arms the day you were born, it brought back memories of when I held your father in my arms.  Like your father before you, I knew you were a fighter with a strong spirit.  Even now, almost 7 months later, I can see the love in your eyes just as I saw it in his.  When you reach for your mother, in your eyes, you are reaching for your guardian angel.

I may not show my emotions much, but they are there.  I would lay down my life for you, your mother, your brother and sisters, your father and/or your uncles on any day of the week. That is how much I love you all.  One day you will know what I mean by that but for now I log that here.  Maybe one day, when you are old enough to read it, then you will understand that our blood runs deeper than the muddy waters of the Mississippi River and our ancestry is important–all sides of it so embrace it and learn about it.

While I am here, I will show you what I can, but the rest will be up to you one day.  May you walk in beauty.  May the road rise up to meet you and the wind be at your back as well.  Above all,  These are blessings from  2 parts of your ancestry–the Irish and the Native American. You must also learn of all of your ancestors for there are valuable things you can carry through life with you.  I do know that  a wise person will always find his or her way (from a Tanzanian proverb) and that is my hope for you–to find a way–YOUR way in life.  

Know who you are and where you come from. That is something nobody can ever take away from you. Above all, when you are older, live your life and go for your dreams. That is my hope for you.

With Love,

Nana

PS:  Sleep well, Lil Man…

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