As She Lay Dying

Does it sound poetic? Well it isn’t. I’m in a house that I spent a few years of my life in while waiting for the most important person in my life to begin the next leg of her journey.  Soon the memories of my precious mother will overcome me and my family along with a river of tears.

However, as we come face to face with the fact that the four of us will now be orphaned,  this leg of the journey brings an end to her suffering.

I am sitting here listening to the old time gospel music I grew up on recorded by Grand Ol Opry greats…Yes, rockers always go back to their roots. My roots are deeply carved. into every bit of soil and through every river and creek my ancestors swam in and fished from around here.

There is an undeniable fact I will share here. God is real. The journey never ends. We merely are changed. I believe when my mother leaves us, she will be with my Granny and a lot of relatives who left before her. Even now I believe that she sees them or hears them waiting.

I don’t care what others believe, but I know from personal experience that God is not a figment of the imagination. God s the reason I have a love for nature and the a deep respect for the fury it gives us from time to time. God is also the reason I don’t fear what is to come. He is also the reason I can love and forgive others.

My mother’s journey on this orb we call Earth is about to end. I am grateful that God blessed me with her for 53 years. I will carry her forever in my heart, and will do my best to be there for my sons, for one day they will be in the position I am now in.

It is my hope that they will stand together strong and in brotherly love when faced with loss of a parent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Facts About Life: 101

I  have not been on a lot but if you think your life is going bad, you need to remember that there is someone out there somewhere who is having a worse go of it than you are. We have to find our own solutions to these dilemmas we go through.

Right or wrong, life is about learning. Once you become unteachable–than you are going to find that you are not only a little fish in a huge pond, but you will find yourself standing alone, stuck at the starting line instead of moving forward in this race called life. You can learn much from anyone around you, but you have to be willing to adapt and accept some changes along the way. If you cannot do this, you will not get very far down the track…

Think about it the next time someone tries to show you something you could do differently. Offering solutions is not designed to hold you back, it’s to help you toward your goal in the end. Change is something anyone has to consider from time to time. In fact we should embrace it, and not fear it, but to learn to adapt to it. If it is something that absolutely cannot work, then we should work together to change THAT, face the problems head-on and not run away. Don’t be closed to the idea of it. You are only hurting yourself if you do. This is lesson 101 in “Facts About Life”.

 

So the question is, how far are you willing to go? This is a new year–a new beginning. Do not let yourself get trapped inside the “box” thinking. Thinking outside of the box will actually help you–not hurt you.  It all goes back to a question I posed a few years ago to a colleague: “What kind of leader do you want to be?”  A good leader is always “teachable and willing to learn”.

A Club Nobody Wants to Join…

I have been down for the past 2 days.  Depression over losing a child 28 years ago set in and it will pass, but what brought it on should not surprise anyone.  A friend of mine lost her daughter two days ago. She was waiting for a heart transplant. It is quite different to lose an older child but the pain is the same for us both.  We will never get to see our children’s “what might have been” and there will always be an empty space at the table.

For a while people seem empathetic and will listen to us. They will allow us to cry on their shoulders for a bit, but if they have never been in this unique club, there comes a day when they stop listening and we are left to deal with the wreckage alone. They do not know how to deal with our pain so they say things like, “You need to get over it.” or “You need to come back to the living.’  Well god forbid they ever have to join the membership of this club because then they will know the reality of the situation. Some even go so far as to say “You can have another child.” OR “You have other children.” Excuse me, but NO CHILD replaces a lost child. One can have 10 more children after and they still mourn the one that is lost. Believe me…I KNOW this for a fact.

Every would-have-been birthday is greeted with the utmost dread.  Every Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc…is greeted with thoughts of “what might have been”. In short, losing a child is a pain we never recover from–we just learn to deal with it in our own way.  To this day I cannot attend funerals of children/babies.  It literally tears me to fucking  pieces and nobody understands why. It is simple–it brings up my pain that I am still dealing with after 28 years and I feel so bad for the other parent(s) because having been a long-standing member of this god forsaken club, I know what they are in for in the long run.

If you want to help or understand a grieving parent, try not saying anything. Just listen. Wipe our tears when they come. Whatever you do, don’t say things like those mentioned above. While well-meaning they actually cut like a bloody knife.  I apologize for my language earlier but I am NOT having a good day today. I don’t know if I will have a better one tomorrow either, but at least I have a pillow to cry on and can be there for my friend as she needs me.

 

Alright…Want Better Pay? A Better Position? READ AND LEARN!

Even in an entry-level job, one can learn skills that will enable them to move up in their own field or they can transfer those skills to another industry once they get them. The key is watching, learning and asking questions. Those who advance take on challenges and other responsibilities. They become leaders. If you want better pay, become a leader. Lead by example and for God’s sake learn how to use some critical thinking skills.

Learning to make snap decisions in a tough situation is often critical and right or wrong, be an adult an accept responsibility for it. Don’t pass the buck to someone else. It’s a good way to lose your job. I can’t even begin to tell you about the times that even though it seemed to be to be something small, I’d call my bosses and say, “Hey I screwed up. This is what happened.” and I’d tell them everything. At least those things could be taken care of because they did turn out to be minor and they helped me to learn to fix those things on duty so I wouldn’t be calling them up with confessionals! However if you pass the buck to the new person, or try to hide it, you’re basically signing your own termination papers in the end. Once you bring your integrity into question, you’re toast. Don’t do it. Don’t even think about it. if you think something is wrong, ask the boss!

For those of you in this dilemma, I am going to suggest a good book for you to read that changed my life. It is a fiction book by Paulo Coelho, but it will really help you if you follow Santiago’s example…That book is called “The Alchemist”…It is for young people but there is so much wisdom packed into it…Check it out!

The Light Bulb in My Head Came On Today. That’s RARE on Mondays!

All of my life, I have been through various bouts of junk.  Now that I am 50, this has been one of my roughest years (physically) yet one of my most enjoyable.  Aside from the female issues that are also getting brought under control with medication, I am cancer free and my pernicious anemia is now “managed” to the point where I don’t feel so much of that crushing fatigue.  I still get light-headed from time to time but I simply slow down.

I realized today that some people really would like to go back to “yesteryear” and repeat their lives at various points, hoping to avoid making the same mistakes again and again.  With me, this is NOT the case.  I would never want to go back and redo any part of my life.   I think the life I have right now, despite having to write and “broadcast” from the TTRV, my life is full! I am enjoying it. Despite some family concerns, I know things are going to turn around.  I don’t know HOW I know it, but I do.

That being said, all I really need is one thing and that is “NOW”.  Think about that. IF we can’t change the past or alter the future, why the hell do we lose sleep over either?  Seriously people!  Yes it’s Monday, but I hope you all have a great day ahead!  Normally I dread Mondays but I am off today!

Within two weeks, I look forward to working toward my goals again–dropping the weight and getting back into shape!  I haven’t had a transfusion since July too!   Again, have a GREAT day!

 

I Am Taking a New Direction

I have decided to educate myself on women’s issues and go head to head with doctors and such that routinely prescribe and do hysterectomies for benign conditions. I am directly affected by this because a doctor told me (without doing ANY tests) that she was going to have to give me a hysterectomy. My response was, “I don’t think so. I’m not your guinea pig.” and I was not happy about “student doctors” observing it either.  Years ago that was the ONLY option available for women my age–the logic being that according to quacks who did this is, “Well at 50 you don’t need those organs anymore.”   This is a flat-out lie from the medical profession.

The truth is, once a hysterectomy is performed a woman’s risk for heart disease jumps to 70%.  Some women experience severe personality changes, including loss of maternal instinct and libido.  Forced menopause also causes issues and makes a woman more vulnerable because she can be more prone to fractures, prolapsed organs, increased incontinence (both urinary and bowel), etc…

These are risks I am not willing to take–especially since 15 doctors were arrested last month for routinely doing these to collect insurance money. The first doctor I went to is no exception. The nurses in the ER are no better. The thyroid and pituitary gland should ALWAYS be checked to see if there is some sort of imbalance.  A cyst can usually be taken care of with meds and minimal surgical procedures.

The archaic thinking that many of these doctors have needs to be strongly addressed. There are more options and more ways to deal with issues unique to the female anatomy.  Men, you should encourage your wives and significant others to seek alternatives because a hysterectomy can lead to a myriad of problems women are simply not informed about prior to the operation. I educated myself. I got informed.  I expect the same level of care and treatment that a 25-35 year old would get–and the same options. Anything else discriminates based on age.

IN fact, it should be required that hysterectomy should only be used as a last resort in ALL cases. where no cancer is involved.

For now that is all I have to say, but I will keep everyone posted on what I learn on my journey.

 

We ARE Mothers…

There are times I get really pissed at the way the medical profession and some magazine writers try to dehumanize the experience of a miscarriage.  One article said, “…We imagine ourselves as mothers…” Oh hell no! They did not just say that! I don’t care if it is a loss at six weeks or six months–I am still a mother who has lost my child–and my ex-husband is a father who lost his dammit!

Then they call it “products of conception” or “fetal tissue”.  All I can say to any medical professional who would use that type of terminology to a woman and her partner who has miscarried is a phrase not fit for this post so I won’t repeat it here.  I lost my child. When they acted as if I did not know what I was talking about, I switched doctors. If the difference between one mother’s child is that it was a wanted one and someone else’s was not, then save the terminology for the abortion clinics and read the frigging chart before you shoot your mouth off because if it is a mom in a very emotional state you are dealing with,  she might just come unglued on your ass…IN fact, I know several mothers who lost children who would. I know I would if I endured it AGAIN and was treated as if the being  carried inside of me was not worthy of being called a “human being” but relegated to being called “products of conception” or “tissue”.

NOTE: This post is NOT about abortion. However I think a lot of the people in the medical profession try to treat this  experience like one and that is what pisses me off.  Even the old term for it (if it is not in use now) was “spontaneous abortion“.  The experience of losing a wanted child is unique and personal and should be treated with the same care and compassion as losing a loved one would be treated had it been a stillbirth–including offering referrals to counseling for couples going through this. Support groups for grieving parents who have experienced this are amazing, I think. 

Losing a child is a gut wrenching, physically painful, horrible experience regardless of what stage of gestation and if people in medical profession are trying to help us by dehumanizing the experience, they are deluding themselves.  Those in psychology tend to do the same.  It is because of this lack of consideration for those of us who go through this that I am writing this.  I know there are places out there somewhere that don’t conduct themselves in such an android like fashion when dealing with that type of grief, and I would like to know where they are. I will gladly refer people to those from this blog. As of right now, our group is unique and in a class by itself. In short, we stand alone.

Now if you have family members going through this, just listen and show some empathy.  Don’t say things like “Well, you’ll have another one someday.” or “At least you know you’re capable of having a baby.”  These are very insensitive things to be saying and it is pure bullshit.  You will alienate anyone you say that to over time if you do this–especially if the event might have left them unable to conceive. Trust me. I’ve cut people off for this.  Why? Simple. One child will never replace another.  We don’t forget the pain of losing the ones we lost and I can tell you from personal experience that even after 27 years, there is still ONE empty space at my table I think about from time to time.  In short, if you want to keep your friend, and you are not sure what to say, just be quiet…PLEASE…

This was not the only miscarriage I had, but it is the one that stands out because it is my son’s fraternal twin. It is VERY rare to not lose both, but I didn’t lose Brian. They said two weeks later when I still had morning sickness and got into it with the nurses that it was all in my head and I was NOT pregnant…They were going to send me to a psychologist. I said get the test and we’ll settle it now–among a few other choice things…Voila! I was STILL pregnant with that one and they rushed to do a sonogram.  Brian’s sac was in tact but it was considered high risk because I lost the twin. It is also very, very rare to keep one twin after losing the other–especially as early as it was.

In short, if you don’t understand it, just be willing to listen and don’t say anything.  That’s really all we need is a listening ear and a good shoulder to cry on.  You don’t know if or when a couple will be able to have another child, so it’s best not to comment one way or another on THAT issue too.

 

Writer’s Block…Yes, Nana Had It…

Does anyone really know what “writer’s block” consists of?  I think Johnny Rzeznik summed it up best when he described it as when you think everything you write is crap even though it is not.  We all have these periods where we feel totally uninspired and cannot seem to find our “muse” or hear it when it’s trying to find us…Whatever it is, it does exist.   I have only found one cure for this. You don’t have to buy books to cure it because the books lead you only to one thing to do: KEEP WRITING!  That is right.  Even if you only do this for five minutes a day, just keep writing–even if it is in your own journal.  Sometimes economics preclude buying books anyway.

Sometimes we have a lot going on in our lives–so much that the muse has a hard time getting through to us.  If so, then it’s best to have a lighter schedule and have some “me” time when you can.  I think the big, bad writer’s block bullshit hits us when we have little to no “me” time–or “us” time when it comes to family.  I know people get really hit with it when they are depressed, but sometimes the best cure for the depression is change.  Be open to the idea of it. It may be something subtle–or a whole life-changing experience–but BE OPEN to the idea. Life has a way of changing the road that lies in front of you and it is probably for the best. Perhaps a family visit is in order, too if one hasn’t been home in a while. Sometimes that can wake up a lazy assed muse who is slacking…LOL

I write when I feel like it. Period. I have my days where I write the sappy stuff–which I don’t share because I don’t let folks see that side of me…Why?  Because that side of me is the vulnerable side and I don’t share it much. Then I have days where I totally bitch, rant rave and moan–lacing it with some absurd humor.  When I write music or stories, the rule is the same–I write what I feel and I don’t hold anything back.  It is also the greatest thing on the planet to do it that way because if I am writing a story, I can play God, base a character on someone who pisses me off (usually a bully) and either kill those types off or make them suffer! Gee, sounds like that “Rabbit” character on “Banshee” but I use a pen instead of a knife…Very therapeutic…Non fattening and the suckers who really piss me off keep breathing to get theirs another day when their crap catches up to them!  Watching that happen is the ultimate sort of vindication, I think.

Have you guys seen “Banshee” yet? Well if you’re not into nude scenes, change the channel but the story line totally kicks ass.  Every character on there has a story, a motive, a purpose…I like how they use the .gif shop and website to fill in holes rather than spend too much time on flashback scenes in the series.  It’s pure marketing genius in my book and 2.7 million viewers can’t be wrong. After all, it  is the highest rated series Cinemax has had thus far.  Innovation and ingenuity are key to its success. Plots and such are all original and not borrowed from elsewhere…I love it!

Nana knows this much…

The woman never could understand why people search for that which is so hard to find unless they look within. No one needs to spend a fortune to seek these things out. One only needs to be willing to learn and experience it–and to be silent and listen. Each person must do this on his or her own–wherever their wings take them–and it is nothing to fear. And that person must patiently wait for the answer. Fear keeps many from finding their vision and sometimes looking for it through others can prevent it–especially if we become too dependent upon them. Others can guide us, but we must find our path ourselves, in our own way, in our own time. The process is part of the adventure, and it can be rewarding–and for her it has been.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JI2o-nxHd8

I have my mountain to which I run to, and it is where I find my solace but I plan to go to Sedona, AZ or to Pecos, NM for a retreat at some point. There is strength in silence and beauty in places where nature can speak to us.  That being said, I hope you all have a great weekend.

 

-Indian-Native-American-Wallpapers-Looking-Specifically-For-One-With-Quote8230-Fresh-New-Hd-Wallpaper--

Nana Says, Pink Hit the Nail on the Head with this Song…WARNING: ***Vernacular in the 1st video***

This is the UNEDITED version of “F– Perfect” by Pink…For anyone who is totally misunderstood, this says it all. Thank God I didn’t have to go to the lengths this character did to find her way. I learned a long time ago that compromising one’s self is never the answer. Never did that and never will. It only leads to misery and that is why I cut a lot of people from my life this year and I certainly don’t regret that because new doors opened once I did! 2012 was a great year for me! A lot got put into perspective for me, that’s for sure. And for anyone feeling down on themselves this time of year, don’t.  Things ARE going to get better and you don’t have to let that which is temporary defeat you. However sometimes you have to pull yourself up by the bra straps or bootstraps…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocDlOD1Hw9k

HERE is the clean version for those who don’t like vernacular:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sRM39rHoB8

One of the most inspiring things about Pink is that she stands her ground and her voice rocks!