A Club Nobody Wants to Join…

I have been down for the past 2 days.  Depression over losing a child 28 years ago set in and it will pass, but what brought it on should not surprise anyone.  A friend of mine lost her daughter two days ago. She was waiting for a heart transplant. It is quite different to lose an older child but the pain is the same for us both.  We will never get to see our children’s “what might have been” and there will always be an empty space at the table.

For a while people seem empathetic and will listen to us. They will allow us to cry on their shoulders for a bit, but if they have never been in this unique club, there comes a day when they stop listening and we are left to deal with the wreckage alone. They do not know how to deal with our pain so they say things like, “You need to get over it.” or “You need to come back to the living.’  Well god forbid they ever have to join the membership of this club because then they will know the reality of the situation. Some even go so far as to say “You can have another child.” OR “You have other children.” Excuse me, but NO CHILD replaces a lost child. One can have 10 more children after and they still mourn the one that is lost. Believe me…I KNOW this for a fact.

Every would-have-been birthday is greeted with the utmost dread.  Every Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc…is greeted with thoughts of “what might have been”. In short, losing a child is a pain we never recover from–we just learn to deal with it in our own way.  To this day I cannot attend funerals of children/babies.  It literally tears me to fucking  pieces and nobody understands why. It is simple–it brings up my pain that I am still dealing with after 28 years and I feel so bad for the other parent(s) because having been a long-standing member of this god forsaken club, I know what they are in for in the long run.

If you want to help or understand a grieving parent, try not saying anything. Just listen. Wipe our tears when they come. Whatever you do, don’t say things like those mentioned above. While well-meaning they actually cut like a bloody knife.  I apologize for my language earlier but I am NOT having a good day today. I don’t know if I will have a better one tomorrow either, but at least I have a pillow to cry on and can be there for my friend as she needs me.


Yes, People Kill People But….

Look, I do not talk about this a lot. Yes, I DO support the right of EVERY law-abiding citizen to own a gun, but mental health in this country has to be addressed.  I’m not into all this gun grabbing crap a lot of people are trying to push for,  but I see nothing wrong with flagging people who have severe behavioral disorders from getting a gun. If people are arrested for domestic violence, robbery, assault, etc…they should automatically have their guns confiscated also until found not guilty–and if found guilty, they should not be returned to anyone in the household, but sold to cover costs incurred by the county and/or state.

I do not agree with the extreme left on this issue because they give off a perception that they do have a goal to take ALL guns away, or at least many of them do. However, these violent groups of people have to be dealt with.

I do not think it is that much to ask for. I’m not advocating limitations on all guns or gun sales, just to individuals who have such records.

Had such a system been in place in the 1970’s my stepmother might not have blown her brains out when I was almost 15. Was she mentally ill? Yes. We found out AFTER her death that she had been institutionalized. Her favorite thing to do when my dad was at work was to point that .22 that she killed herself with and put it to my temple as her method of “discipline” which was nothing more than terrorism in my home.

To this day, people, I can still feel the cold end of that gun at my temple. Sometimes I wake up dreaming about it. It was only after she died that I realized that this wasn’t just a surrealistic nightmare I lived in, but that she could have, at any moment, blown my brains out and anyone else’s in the house too.

Unless you lived through it, I know you can’t relate to it and more went on than that, which I will not discuss. Funny thing is I didn’t really realize what “normal” was until I got around “normal families” that sat at the table together and such after her death. I grew to pity her. Hopefully, she is at peace. I forgave her long ago, and despite the nightmares I have once in a while, I can still feel pity for her and understand that she could not help herself–but that the state failed to help her a long, long time ago.

I will say this much for those who have gone through something like this at the hands of a mentally ill relative or person close to your family. What helped me was to forgive her. Once I did that, the nightmares gradually happened less often, and became less intense. I actually stood over her grave about seven years ago and told her that I forgive her. Anyway, I hope that does help someone out there. I know forgiving her did help me.

Kadja Cries When She Sees This…

Even though I am grown, the little girl in me still has her triggers.  This song is one of those triggers.  However it is an important song and every word of it rings true. I can relate to Alyssa, but I was more fortunate. I lived to tell you my story. Please do not wait until it is too late to act on behalf of a child. You might be the only voice that can reach into the right places to save a life.  Please watch the video and don’t go off on religion because what your belief system is isn’t the issue here.  The genre of music you prefer is also not the issue here.  The message of this song is an important one. It was then, and it is now.

I was abused at home and bullied at school.  I know the reality of such an existence and NO child should ever go through the things I have endured.  To this day I do not associate much with former classmates.  Why? They are triggers. They may very well be different people now, but the place and seeing them still triggers memories of a time and a place that made me stronger–but it also made me a very non-trusting individual in my later years.  Some of my classmates are friends, but there are those I avoid for a reason.


How to Manage Complaints–Literally…

After many complaints on various subjects, I have found that categorizing the complaint levels is a tremendous help: Cat 1: These have top priority so sharpen your wit and deal with them bluntly and honestly. Cat 2: General whining and such: Always answer with one word: “And?” especially if they are in your circle and you can do NOTHING about what they are complaining about. Cat 3: The ones that do not make sense. Answer with “Can you rephrase that please?” and MAYBE they will form a coherent thought that one can deal with and cause their complaint to make it from this “junk box” level to a Cat 2.

I have also found that most of the ones in the Cat 3 box tend to come at me when I am at various parties, or at the club.  And the people levying them as if trying to aim a gun without a sight on it, are too drunk to pull my trigger.  They tend to sound like the late Foster Brooks–only with speech less intelligible.

For those of you who do not know or remember who Foster Brooks is, here is a reminder!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yACWE3CzmYQ

Now if this were a post being made on a professional level, believe me, I would rephrase this entire post, but being that I am not making a work related video–except for those of you who work at the Texas Department of Criminal Justice, I shall refrain from all logic because at your place of employment, there is NO SUCH THING!  Have a great week, everyone!

In the meantime, here is some interesting reading fodder for those who seriously would like to check out the issues below…


School is About to Begin, and Bullying Season NEVER Ends…



I am about to share a link here that many people will feel uncomfortable about when they watch it. The mother of this autistic child is disabled herself. She can’t protect her boy, not even in their own home if it comes down to it. I feel that the person responsible for this deed is every bit as dangerous as your local neighborhood psychopath. I hope this person gets caught and I think it fitting that this person should be totally OSTRACIZED by society.  There is so much hate in this person’s heart that he or she (and it is signed she, but one never knows) that this make him/her truly outright dangerous to others they don’t consider to be “fit” to live among us…








We live in an age where cyber bullying and such is on the rise. It is as if with each passing school year, the next generation is getting worse and worse. It is difficult enough when a child is bullied in school and then parents have to deal with all this crap therapy about “making your kid bully proof” is not going to solve it because it isn’t the VICTIM that is the problem. It is the perpetrator who is the problem and we need to get back to setting SEVERE consequences for cases of bullying that are as severe as letters like this, as well as physical and sexual bullying.




I am really tired of these so-called experts (and they are not experts because their therapies often fail)  preaching that all kids can be made to be “resilient” when nothing that kid did causes them to be singled out other than their appearance, gender, income level, color of their skin, sexual orientation or religion.  The bullying victims are targeted in much the same way a crime victim is–school is only the “rehearsal”. The real world is the “production” on stage.




Even Shakespeare said, “All the world is a stage.” and it is. However in a good production, the villain doesn’t usually win.  In this case the bullies are winning–or it at least seems that way. When these experts were allowed to come in and create diagnoses for bullying behaviors and phony treatments, the suicide rate among teens increased. These experts are quacks. Some of them do not have a license to counsel but are journalists riding on the coat tails of one  who never gets named, while using the case of a dead girl who committed suicide over the bullying to further his/her own career. I do not respect such writers. They disgust me.




Only one journalist bothered to name her source of information–and she wrote her book on the back of a dead victim. No names here but many know to whom I am referring. I am simply really fed up with the victims being further victimized or made to feel that they are collateral damage when it is the one attacking them that needs to be strongly disciplined.




These need to be strongly addressed in school or these bullies will be in the workforce terrorizing those under them.  When they are caught the price should be complete dismissal–especially if that person is an educator or a police officer.  If in sensitive fields like this, they should also have their licenses/credentials revoked.  These are the last people we want molding the minds of our children, OR having the power to mess up our lives.




I find it even more reprehensible that a so-called “adult” bullies would engage in such behavior to begin with and be allowed to continue it while hiding behind union reps and such…Keeping THEM away from all children is essential in my book.  In my opinion they are as dangerous to a child as a pedophile is.




Some states of the United States have implemen...

Some states of the United States have implemented laws to address school bullying. Law prohibits bullying of students based on sexual orientation and gender identity Law prohibits bullying of students based on sexual orientation School regulation or ethical code for teachers that address bullying of students based on sexual orientation Law prohibits bullying in school but lists no categories of protection No statewide law that specifically prohibits bullying in schools (Photo credit: Wikipedia)




English: the picture consist of articles on bu...

English: the picture consist of articles on bullying, I obtained it from public domain. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)




Dear America: What Has Happened to Us?

I have watched things unfold in the wake of the Boston Marathon bombing…I am not going to be any less blunt than normal and am only going to express this once.  Anyone who has malice in their hearts toward a group of people, and carries out an act of mass killing directed at that group of people for whatever reason is, in my book, a terrorist.  Whether they target military for being military, Americans for being American, etc…That IS a terrorist and not all terrorists are Muslim.

However it is my opinion that Homeland Security and the FBI dropped the ball.  IF people go to countries like Yemen and such and show signs of extremism when they return, that is obviously a problem.  If our government wants to make the population guinea pigs and become the “thought police” and try to disarm anyone, these are people they should start with.  Then they should disarm anyone with family members living in the household who have mental illnesses that can make them dangerous to others, too.

The saddest thing about any murderer, whether it be a terrorist or someone from any other background is that most of the time they do not realize the fact that they are not only destroying lives of the victims’ families but they are destroying their own families.  I wonder if when they are caught (if caught alive) and they see how distraught their families are if they really do begin to understand the magnitude of the fact they have accomplished nothing but destroying those around them they claim to love.

The families of these murderers suffer as much as victims’ families do and it is sad that we live in a society that after hundreds of years, there is a tendency to judge all for the actions of one…or two….All one has to do is read the comments under every story to see that the hatred from both sides of an issue runs deeper than the muddy waters of the Mississippi River.

When I was a sergeant in the correctional field, people would actually cheer if a murderer, especially a person who murdered a child was executed in turnout.  As the surviving family member of a murder victim, this type of mob mentality does sicken me. I do not understand it.  Even if they put this young man, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev to death, it will not bring peace to the families of those who died and it certainly won’t change the fact that the lives of those who survived are forever altered.

These men took more than four lives.  They have brought our nation to a crossroads–a test if you will…The real question is, will we as a nation continue to let these people cause enough hate and resentment between two sides of a debate hate each other, or will each side learn to accept that things are as they are for a reason and try to work together toward a solution that will not result in further dividing the country?

This story is going to lead to more political wrangling.  We all know this.  However there are two sides to the argument that are clear…On one side, some feel that law enforcement are our protectors and our heroes–and for the most part, they are.  On the other side are those people who feel that they cannot protect us all.  That side feels that they are outgunned and out manned. Not all people who wish to keep the right to own arms want to own them for the sake of posterity or pride. Some truly feel that the American people are under threat and that our government does not recognize the threat and how serious that threat is–or they choose to ignore that threat.

A few of them feel that the government is indifferent to what they feel and could become a threat themselves. As a society that does care, do we really want to continue to feed that beast of a thought train? I can tell you this, those who worship the party they vote for while attacking the others with such open hostility, including hate, regional bias and the like, will only lead to further divisions…Both sides of the political extreme in the Democratic Party and the Republican Party would like nothing better than to force their agendas on the rest of the NORMAL members of society who do not agree with them.

They are the ones that must be brought into compliance with one ideal: We are all Americans. We all bleed red and we all need to realize one thing:  hatred never accomplishes anything.  There is an old saying I used to hear–and granted it is biblical, but I feel that there is more truth in it than what Americans want to admit.  “A kingdom divided against itself cannot stand.”   Whatever your political leanings are, you will not win hearts and minds by all the hate-mongering and Bush bashing you do…You won’t win them by bashing the Obamas either.

It is time for this nation to act like adults.  This is something the American people have not done in some time.  They have not learned to mind their own business.  They have not learned to stop attacking others for not worshiping the political party that they do.  It is time to learn how to not stoop to the level of either side.  A good first step in accomplishing this would be to turn off the TV and stop watching the puppets in the media.  Yes, you read that correctly.  We don’t see a lot of good journalism anymore but there are a handful of good journalists out there.

These are the ones who actually report THE NEWS without injecting how they feel things should be into the story.  There was a day when personal bias was left out of journalism and unless the people stop allowing themselves to be sucked into this game they play, they will continue to do this type of shoddy reporting to sway the hearts and minds of America by injecting inflammatory opinions into their own writing. Those things are meant to upset the population and sell papers.  When the field of journalism began to take off there was a term for that phenomenon. It was called yellow journalism and it is done by emphasizing sensationalism–especially about wars and such.  Now there is a time and place to do this. Now is not the time or the place because much of the nation is still in shock at the horrendous nature of this crime.

That being said, the pundits need to stop calling this person a “boy”, a “kid”, etc…He is 19 years old. He is a young man. He was part of a criminal act–which means he is a criminal himself. The question is, to what degree?  It will not be up to the public to decide, but that is not what the media is trying to accomplish. Some journalists already try to evoke sympathy in one direction or the other to the point that if this guy gets tried by a jury, I do not think he can get a fair trial.  It is time for the media to back off now.  The families need to finish burying their dead and the communities need to begin to heal.

It is also time to let this young man’s friends and family come to terms with the death of a loved one as well. It is also not fair to judge them by the acts of these two brothers. Some of their family members are as shocked as the rest of the nation–save for the “auntie” who is going to get 15 minutes of fame with this.

After that, it will be for a judge and/or a jury to decide this person’s fate.  Can we not wait until all is said and done to play the role of “armchair expert”?

Sarah Was Alone…

I have been lying here on the cold ground around here for a very long time.  I don’t remember why I was put here, but I remember I was being hit again and again all because I wanted a glass of milk.  Why would anyone leave me out here? I am only seven. I don’t understand them.  I thought Mommy and Daddy wanted me and loved me–Oh wait! Daddy is gone.  He wasn’t there. It was someone else who was there with my mom. Mommy said my daddy was not coming back and if he did, she’d leave with us again.

I don’t remember much after being hit on the head the third time. I think I was crying and went to sleep.  I had to pee but couldn’t move and I was having this weird dream.  I was looking down at myself but I wasn’t hurting anymore.  I was so afraid that I was going to be hit again but nothing happened.  Not for a while.  I felt like I was flying and saw a light, but I couldn’t leave my baby sister there. It didn’t feel right so I stayed.

Then I saw Mitch, my moms boyfriend come in. He started yelling things I couldn’t understand and had Mom take my baby sister out of the room…I watched him shake me but I didn’t feel anything. He was saying some bad words too, but he did say he was sorry and started crying.  I’m not mad at him. I just don’t understand why he sent me here. I don’t understand why Mom let him hurt me all the time either.  I know she got mad because I wouldn’t say he was my daddy at school so she hit me too sometimes over it.  I still don’t understand where my real daddy was and why he didn’t come.

Mitch turned on the big light and I saw blood on my head and nose.  My eyes were open but I couldn’t blink and my lips were a weird bluish color.  I think I threw up at some point too before I was in this place watching everything. Mitch put me in a blanket and a bag and put me in the truck while Mom kept crying.

I am glad you’re close to me now because talking helps me not to feel so lonely out here.  It’s like you can’t see me yet but I can see you.  You come out here a lot, picking flowers. I think we might be in the same grade. I want to play but I know you can’t seem to hear me so I’ll just keep talking and hope someone finds me soon.

It’s neat to watch you play, Little Girl.  I like watching people do things I couldn’t do anymore around here but there is a neat thing about this. I don’t feel stickers in my feet or bugs crawling on me.  I’m in a place where you can’t see me well but I can see you.

I’ve seen it rain and such out here a lot too.  The trees are pretty when that happens and the birds come out. I’ve seen it snow a lot out here too.  I think I’ve seen 10 springs and 10 big snows!  It’s all so pretty and I don’t have to be afraid here.  You have blond hair like me! And you like dolls too! That’s neat!  I do miss Mom but not Mitch. I wonder where they are. Why don’t they come back for me?  I’m in a blanket not far from where you are.  Maybe your mom and dad will come find me and get me out of here soon.

Here come’s someone! It’s a man!  Is that your dad? Man he’s tall.  Wait, he’s getting closer to me.  Can you see me?  I’m right here? Please don’t leave me again! I’m so tired of being alo–wait! He’s sending you away and looking down. He’s saying “Oh my god!” or something like that and pulling out a little black thing he’s talking into. Now he’s crying. Why? Oh wait…He saw my teddy bear. It’s really dirty.  I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make anyone cry! Honest–I–wait…

I can hear a bit now…Not much…

“Look Sheriff, you need to come. I found–”

Oh can’t make out the rest but he’s still here, crying and looking down where Mitch put me. Now there is a lady but he yelled, “Get them out of here! I’ll explain when the sheriff gets here!” and she left with you and a younger kid really quickly. He kept looking at my teddy bear, but he didn’t touch it. He just stood there crying. Why? I’m not hurting.

shallow grave teddy bear

Oh please don’t cry! I’m really not hurting now! I’m just glad to not be alone…That’s the worst thing–alone at night even though I don’t feel hurt and such.

He’s been here crying for a long time and praying too.  My grandma prayed a lot!  Now there are other people here.  They have brushes and such and tweezers, shovels…All kinds of stuff and a yellow tape. Why can’t they just get me out of here?  Wait.  Maybe they are trying.  The older guy is shaking his head.

“Who would dump their kid out here like that?” I heard him say.

“Mom and Mitch would.” was my response but he didn’t hear me.  None of them hear me.  Wait! This one older guy said my name–another guy with a badge.

“From what the grandmother told me years ago, it could be Sarah Hawthorne.” he said.

“That is my name! He knows my name! I”m so glad! Someone sees me and knows my name!”

Wait! There’s that light again and it looks like it’s gonna rain, too.  Hey! I see Grandma and two other people with her!  One’s in an army uniform! He says he’s my daddy!  The other one is an older guy. I think I’ll go with them now!  I’m just glad someone found me so I’m okay!  Thanks for hearing me! I am so happy now!  Bye! I’m not alone anymore! You’ll be alright now so don’t cry, okay?!


The Sign of the Ram (1948)

This performance should have gotten Susan Peters more work and an Oscar nod…Unfortunately, those times were different. Maybe in the present she can get the respect she richly deserves.


This is probably one of the most important films in Oscar History–even though it never received a nod.  Susan Peters–who played the calculating, manipulative matriarch definitely should have received one.  There is only one performance that tops hers and that was that of Dame Judith Anderson in “Rebecca” years prior.

The performance of Dame Judith Anderson in the film “Rebecca” was also brilliant!


The  classic movie channels such as AMC or TCM show “The Sign of the Ram” very rarely.  They need to release it on dvd.  It never has been re-released–period! Not on VCR–nothing!  That is sad because the script writing was top-notch for the era and the acting was wonderful to watch.  The writers didn’t make the mistake of making this to where there was too much empathy for Leah St. Aubyn, that is for certain!  It definitely puts forth that there is a difference between disability and being “differently-abled” and it is tragic that the studios couldn’t see beyond Ms. Peters wheelchair to give her more work as they did for Lionel Barrymore when he became wheelchair bound.

I do realize that times were different, but I wanted to bring recognition to one of Hollywood’s “Lost Treasures”.  The Motion Picture Academy should give some sort of recognition to this film and to Ms. Peters.  For her to work after such an accident during those times should have at least gotten her some type of lifetime achievement award.  That would be nice to see, I think.

This script definitely left nothing out. It would be nice to see an updated version of this–not one with a lot of crap thrown in for adult ratings either–stick with the story as it was written–just update the dialogue and cast.  I think as far as the time period–it would be best to keep it in the 40’s or 50’s era due to the social issues brought up in the original film.  I would want Ben Cross for the part of Mallory, as he is an older gentleman married to the younger Leah–and I would make his character a bit more intimidating of Leah in the end once his suspicion of her is aroused…I don’t know who I’d want to play Leah though.  Christine would be another role that would be difficult for me to cast if I were the one behind this one…


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Nana is Taking a Friend’s Advice…The Book has Begun… (Back to the Nanahood)


“The person I once was is not the person I am, and I emerged from a moment in time stronger than about 90% of the population…I had to endure what I went through. Why? That would be the question most would ask. I would say it is simple. My enduring what I did prevented someone else who couldn’t handle it from enduring it in my stead. I had to embrace the child I once was and then let her go quietly to rest in peace for she is no more. In doing that, I could move forward with strength and determination. That being said, age is truly a number and I am living my youth now. Anyone who cannot handle it, that is because somewhere along the way you lost your vision…I didn’t lose mine–but it did change with time. For that I am grateful…”–Introduction for my first novel “From Cell to Cell”.


And now it has begun to have a life of its own–outside the walls…


A Day in Huntsville, TX…View on the Death Penalty…

A Day in Huntsville, TX…View on the Death Penalty….