That’s How You Left Me

Everything fades into a blindness

from lights within my mind

and all I can see is what is left here

memories of our time

with mourning shades the cloud

lingers on and still I wait here…

Not that you would care

but all I see is all that is dead

but you’re still there…

And yet wonder why it is you left me waiting

for a sign that never comes

And all I know is that I’m empty

A space is all that remains

of where my heart should be

It’s been that way

that’s how you left me…

The pictures will fade in time from my memory

as I grow old alone

and all I do know is that I once had a place

That I dared call my home.

But all that remains are faded pictures

since that’s now turned to dust

And all I can see there is

what has come of love and trust.

And yet I’ll wonder why it is you left me waiting

for a sign that never comes

And all I’ll  know is that I’m empty

with the rising of the sun

while I embrace the stars

that’s how you left me.

And all that’s left are dreams.

So now you are dead to me…

You may be breathing, but you are dead to me.  Every lie that you sold makes me very afraid to open my heart, even though it is closed to you for good.  I worked my way through the muck and lies and got to the point to where I am somewhat content with my life, yet your ghost seems to be talking through some of the people I meet.  I hear the hooks you threw out when asked certain questions.  I can now see that like you, some of them are looking for an arrangement.  I don’t play that game anymore.  I really don’t need to be in a “relationship” to validate who the hell I am.  I don’t need a “security blanket” either.

As a result, life is good.  I rose from the ashes to discover my own way of expression.  As the blood runs hot in my veins and through to my pen, I have also found that I need nothing–not money–not power–nothing.  It all goes back to one song by Duran Duran.  “…Freedom puts my faith in none of the above…”

Have a nice life.  I truly hope that you are blessed.  I know that I am truly blessed now that you are only a dark page in a dark chapter of my personal History.  Right now I am content to stay on the page I am on.  It is blank and waiting for me to fill it. It will be filled–on my own terms and in my own way.  Goodbye to you…

With that, I close with this…I’d love to re-make this with an all female band–speeding up the rhythm and totally rocking this song out to the max!  This song just totally kicks ass.  There is also much truth in it, whereas I have yet to discover the truth in your lies…That being said, I am changing the phone number.  I don’t want to hear any more from our “mutual” friends who are also looking for an arrangement now that they know that I have kicked your ass to the curb.   That makes them pretty low on my priority list if you ask me.  After all, if they were YOUR friends, they wouldn’t be trying to put the make on me  knowing my sentiment on the matter, right?  Then again, the fact that they are YOUR friends only tells me that it doesn’t speak much to their character…Sorry but it’s true.

This is sort of like a divorce–only you can have the friends and line of work we were in. I want no part of it ever again.  I want no part of you either. Why? I had to lose myself in order to find myself again.  Once I did that, I realized that I didn’t need you and I certainly don’t need to “fit in” anywhere any longer. I call my shots and I admit my mistakes.  There is freedom in that also–but you will never know it because your whole life has always been nothing but one lie after another.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BP4GQPbn4Aw

 

I have a whole new attitude. For once it is MY life–and I’ll do whatever I damned well please with it.  I know that just kills you since you’ve got some of your friends “spying” on me again.

I originally wrote this in 201o.

I am the one that got away…

For those of you who have read my blog before (Kadja2), you know that there is one person I refer to as “my favorite mistake”.  He was a co-worker in a prison and needless to say, I learned that it is imperative to never get your honey where you make your money.   When people come at you and try to lure you into their prisons that they build for themselves, there are warning signals.  When a person won’t take you to meet their family, that’s warning sign number one.   When they never seem to be there for you when you need them the most, that’s warning sign number two. 

I escaped from the prison he was planning to keep me in.  I decided to move on with my life over 18 months ago.  He’s tried to call, but I don’t return the calls and I don’t answer the text messages.  When I get to where I am going I plan to change my phone number and only give it to close friends and family, like I did before.  I can truly say that I am free of him.

I closed my eyes today (per someone else’s suggestion) and imagined that he pulled into my driveway.  I then imagined that although he tried to get my attention and such, I never heard him.  A tow truck came and got his vehicle, as he chased behind it.  There were oil stains and such  out there so as he disappeared, I threw cat litter on them and cleaned it up.  The driveway was clean and he chased his truck into infinity because I never saw him again.

I like to come home in the evening, write and read a book, drink my mexican hot chocolate and then dream of seeing other places.  I long to go to Peru or somewhere to volunteer for a few months, but I need to get some things taken care of first.  I’ve thought of Costa Rica too!  I have a life to live and I plan to enjoy it.  I am alone, but  not really  lonely.  I admit that it would be nice to have that soul that I can say is home to my own, but I don’t know if it will happen or when and I am not going to worry about it. I don’t raise the bar too high either.  I have always accepted people as they are.

I was married twice to men in the military. I have no problem with being apart if we have to be, but I do have a problem with a person who doesn’t trust me when he would be away.  When a man gets jealous when he cannot be with me, it sends up a red flag because I learned one hard lesson from my upbringing.  Southerners say this often: “The hen that cackles the loudest is the one laying the egg.”   I got  married at 19, a mom on my 20th birthday.  Three months later, soldier #1 left me for a 19-year-old in Colorado.  The link below accurately describes the situation rather well.  I know I use music links a lot, but my life connects with music–all kinds of music.  I can listen to any genre accept OPERA.  Don’t ask why but most opera music gets to me. If I watch it on TV and mute it with subtitles, I like that because then I can tell what the bloody story is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_mwbCw4utI     (Terri Clark)

The song above “She Didn’t Have Time” by Terri Clark sums up what I went through when ex #1 ran off.  

The program you are looking at above, Insanity by Shaun T., saved my sanity…Funny that Insanity IS what it is called.  I’ve got the deluxe set.  My next goal is to get Brazil Butt Lift and go back to doing 2 a days.  If you want to know more about it, friend me on Facebook and email me!  I lost 30 lbs and dropped down from a size 18 to a 14 in FORTY days!  It is tough, it is intense and you won’t regret it but if you have back and knee problems, you’ll want to do something lighter, like Chalean Extreme.  Turbo Jam is cool and so is Hip Hop Abs…It took purging my memories of my exes and making room for this to improve my self-esteem.

I also recommend finding a “sacred” place to go to.  This will be YOUR place.  This is where you go to reflect, pray, cry or whatever you do to get in touch with what some call “your higher self”.  I talk to God…Simple as that.  Meditate however you wish, but I’d rather talk with God, the Great Spirit or whatever.  I am part Comanche so I have to be among nature to really feel alive.  This cold weather gets to me.  It also reminds me of when I had to get away from the 2nd ex.  I caught him with a baby sitter.  I should have left right afterward, but DUMMY me tried forgiving.  It didn’t work.  He kept trying to get around other women.  Once the trust was gone, and I heard him tell my best friend “Oh I never really loved her.” that killed what was left of our marriage.

I  love this image below…It could be because I am part Comanche, but there is just something so peaceful about it.  I found that the Comanches typically made their raids for captive, horses and such during a full moon.  I love being out under a full moon, but it is to bask in the beauty of its light.  I have always loved being under the light of a full moon–especially when I am at a beach or by a river.  I love watching its rays dance across the waves, and the feel of a gentle Spring or Summer breeze…I feel totally loved in those moments-and at peace with all that is around me.  Some day I would love to go out on a moonlit beach in Costa Rica or something…It really doesn’t matter where in the world I am at,  as long as I can get to my sacred place…May you find yours as well, wherever you might be…

I also have jewelry made for myself by a very talented artist when I have money.  I spent a lot of time and money helping others, but neglected me. That time is now past.  It is my time.  I kicked the last cell door down on my life and am going to live it.  I am taking an ESL course as well.  It will open up more doors for me and I am ready for that. 

If you are ready to make a change in your life, the time is now.  One cannot let yesterday throw up pictures in their faces because it is gone–over with–and dead.  The future is another item we have no control over.  Why worry over that which is already done and that which we are uncertain about?  It makes no bloody sense whatsoever!  I have right here, in this moment, peace.  I will live as I will.  If anyone has a problem with that, all I have to say is, “Have a nice day”!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCg2BoKiuOM      (Bon Jovi)

Nothing like a Bon Jovi number to get off to a great Saturday Night! I am glad I got away from those emotional prisons, because living a lie is the worst type of vacuüm one can ever let themselves get sucked into!