How to Do Halloween for Grown-Ups When You’re Broke as Hell!

Okay…It’s the night before trick or treat…You’re between paydays and a lot of you love using October 31st as a way to let off steam once a year, act totally stupid and still have good reason for it. Before anyone asks, NO I’m not going to do Halloween. I’ve been sick with bronchitis so I’ll leave the festivities to the lot of you. It will be much more comical if I do. It’s more fun to watch the adults get drunk and act totally juvenile than it is to take part when with my luck, the weather will totally suck and make my bronchitis worse.

Now remember…EVEN if you’re broke as hell, this will work but you need 3-4 essential ingredients.

1. A sheet.  Doesn’t matter what color. You can use teal, purple, white, whatever…It’ll work.

2. Paper towel rolls–and if your ass is flat broke, ask your relatives for theirs! Tell ’em it’s for a kid’s project. That way you’re off the hook–unless you get arrested for the  OTHER variation of the costume if there is a wardrobe malfunction.

3.  A wire or ring of yarn big enough to fit around (NOT OVER) you’re head. You’re not going as a KKK grand wizard or a fake lynching victim! If you do it and you get your ass kicked and it ends up in the papers, I will laugh my head off at you!

4. A pair of flip-flops or sandals.

Two variations that are optional:  Construction paper and/or a guitar.

Now if you’re using a teal or green sheet–use the paper towel rolls and that ring to make a statue of liberty costume. Use your imagination and the construction paper for the torch.

If you use white, you can claim to be Julius Caesar carrying a scroll (only requires one roll)–or you can carry a guitar and  pretend you’re going to smash it, in which case you dressed as John Blutarsky…IF you don’t know who the hell that is, watch “Animal House”. Most from the era will never forget that show.

If female, the Statue of Liberty one would work–just use two sheets in case it’s cold as hell.

For a purple sheet, use gold paint and paint the leaves on the ring gold…Put some fake vampire blood on your hands and tell ’em you are “Pontius Pilate”.

Whatever you do, don’t go as Jesus. He wouldn’t do that. Besides, the cops might mistake you for an escaped mental patient. In fact if you decide not to celebrate it at all, then you’re not as insane as some of us are that allow the kid in us to come out once a year.  I once dressed up in a potato sack dress as a barefoot and pregnant bride. I had the straw hat, veil, etc..AND the blacked-out tooth. However it’s more expensive and time-consuming to sew the bloody things together. I paid a friend to do that.

Like I said earlier…THIS is what you do if you’re an adult wanting to play crazy tomorrow night and you’re broke as hell!

Happy Halloween!

Ten Movies that will NEVER Happen.

***Snickers***

BELIEVE ME these will never happen!
“50 First Dates: 10 years and 4 kids later”.

“The Waterboy II: Mama Moves Back In”

“Fast Times at Ridgemont High: 40 Year Reunion”

“How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days and Still get Palimony”

“The Breakfast Club: Bender Goes to Washington”

“Beverly Hills Cop: Retired My Ass!”

“The Wedding Singer: Out of Tune”

“The Goonies:  Where’s the Cave?”

“Charlie’s Angels:  Contracted Out”

“Ferris Buehler’s Day Off:  Again?”

 

Ladies (and Guys), If You Want to Rid Yourself of a Would-Be Suitor… *Snickers Profusely Here*

Alright this was inspired by a friend I went to school with…I’m not giving her name or anything but I have been in this situation myself so I’ve decided to share some things to get rid of that persistent “would be suitor” who wants to take you out but you have NO interest in him or her.   These can easily be adapted for men’s use against persistent females, but just change a few names up…

For example when a guy says to you in a theater where there are plenty of seats available but he comes up to you and asks, “Is this seat taken?”  You already KNOW what time it is–especially if he tries to introduce himself and shake your hand.  All you have to do is grow a pair and say, “No and this one is about to be available as well.”

If he’s one of the overly persistent pain-in-the-ass types, just say, “No and this one won’t be either when you sit down.” OUCH!

Guys, just act like your cell phone is ringing and your wife is calling–or better yet–pretend you have a boyfriend.  Cools the persistent stalker girls like the church lady in Six Feet Under really quick. If you’ve never seen it, you need to get someone to show you the church scene where Michael has to tell her to get lost!  Why? I can’t find the damned clip of it but if someone else wants to share it, feel free!

Now for the next scenario. A guy comes up to you, introduces himself and starts really pushing himself to get a dinner date with you, making you feel really uncomfortable.

For the women you only have to say one thing, “Sure but I think you should know that I am Betty Broderick‘s half-sister or I’m Aileen Wournos’s lost daughter.”  That should make you a real hit if they bother you at work too!

If he says “Who?”, just say, “You might want to Google that.”

Men, just say, “I’m Charlie Manson‘s (or Ted Bundy‘s–insert your favorite serial killer’s name here) bastard son.  Are you sure you wanna hang around me?”  Make sure you get that “Michael C. Hall from “Dexter” look about you too when you say that–IF the lady keeps stalking…

*Now I am going to go have my cup of Mexican Hot Chocolate and laugh profusely at the absurdity of life!* LOL

After all if life is a joke, are we not waiting on the punchline?

Oh and if you’re wondering about that “Dexter Look”–here…This is probably his funniest kill scene too. Watch this clip (and it has adult language in it so don’t let the kiddies see you watch it! ) :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8taUxqSRsDg

Funny how I’m giving advice on how to get rid of a prospective date in less than 10 minutes…

I Dare ANYONE to Caption This One!

 

I so totally dare anyone to caption this thing! I get the weirdest stuff on Facebook! I’ve never seen rabbits eat this before!  My question is, will they get munchies afterward?

How to Manage Complaints–Literally…

After many complaints on various subjects, I have found that categorizing the complaint levels is a tremendous help: Cat 1: These have top priority so sharpen your wit and deal with them bluntly and honestly. Cat 2: General whining and such: Always answer with one word: “And?” especially if they are in your circle and you can do NOTHING about what they are complaining about. Cat 3: The ones that do not make sense. Answer with “Can you rephrase that please?” and MAYBE they will form a coherent thought that one can deal with and cause their complaint to make it from this “junk box” level to a Cat 2.

I have also found that most of the ones in the Cat 3 box tend to come at me when I am at various parties, or at the club.  And the people levying them as if trying to aim a gun without a sight on it, are too drunk to pull my trigger.  They tend to sound like the late Foster Brooks–only with speech less intelligible.

For those of you who do not know or remember who Foster Brooks is, here is a reminder!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yACWE3CzmYQ

Now if this were a post being made on a professional level, believe me, I would rephrase this entire post, but being that I am not making a work related video–except for those of you who work at the Texas Department of Criminal Justice, I shall refrain from all logic because at your place of employment, there is NO SUCH THING!  Have a great week, everyone!

In the meantime, here is some interesting reading fodder for those who seriously would like to check out the issues below…

Related articles

• Complaint Management – The Heart of CRM (mountainviewranchstore.com)
• A Quicker Complaint Fixer: How to Speed Up The Resolution Process (mint.com)
• The 6 most common complaints about credit repair companies (and what to do about them) (bestcreditrepaircompanys.com)
• Complaints to state’s ombudsman climbing (journalstar.com)

 

AS CHEESY as this was IT DOES DESERVE to be UPDATED & REMADE!

RE: “The Fearless Vampire Killers”

I am think that this is a vampire comedy that DOES need to be remade–with all the SCHLOCK and such a good writer can muster! Some Indie writer out there can surely get Polanski on board to agree to this.  I thought this was one of the funniest movies I had ever seen.   I for one loved the skewed vision of Polanski in this–and the way it seems to remind me of a Hammer film tribute  just a tad!

Whatever type of vampire movie there is, this movie takes a stab at eliciting a laugh or two by poking fun at them all. If True Blood  (the series) or movies such as “Love At First Bite” had been made, I’m sure he’d have in some way poked fun at those too!  Either way, it would be nice if some writer picked up on this concept–put it in front of Polanski and see if they can make a new comedy that audiences can actually enjoy–without all the crap for the teen market!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1Lql8c75I0

And I’ll post about this once a year!  Here is my question though…Who the heck could pull off Alfie and Sarah’s parts?

 

Texspearean Experience–“Merchant of Venice”….Nana’s version…Well, a Snippet Anyway! ;-)

I am working on a contemporary version of the Merchant of Venice–by William Shakespeare. However, this version is going to be written in the Texspearean language for those who have trouble with reading the great bard’s work.  It is my hope that he has a sense of humor because if he doesn’t, and reincarnation is real (which I don’t think it is-sorry), then with my luck he’d come back as the person who stomps me into the ground–because, I’d return as a  friggin’ cockroach!

Seriously this thing is playing out in my mind…That can be very dangerous.  Be afraid…Be VERY afraid.  What you are about to read is not something you will find in the world which you now know, but you will find it only in, “The Tina Zone” when she’s sleepy…This is part of my journal, folks. DISCLAIMER: I do not take XANAX or PROZAC!

The woman dozed off for a bit…She was exhausted from her long workday, but was thinking heavily about “The Merchant of Venice” before turning off the light and closing her eyes for the night…For some strange reason she saw a contemporary scene played out at the end of this short little dream where someone uttered the line, “No s***, Shylock!”, at which point she woke up for a bit, but as she dozed off, this scenario crossed her mind:

“…NERISSA How like you the young German, the Duke of Saxony‘s nephew?

PORTIA Very vilely in the morning, when he is sober, and
most vilely in the afternoon, when he is drunk: when
he is best, he is a little worse than a man, and
when he is worst, he is little better than a beast:
and the worst fall that ever fell, I hope I shall
make shift to go without him….”

In contemporary language in today’s world, she knows how Portia’s answering line would open in such a version…It would start with two words: “…Bitch, please!” and then go on to “…I can’t stand the dude!…” among other things.  Then she would explain the reasons for hoping she could just be left to her own devices or run off to join the French Foreign Legion…”  

Then again, that is the world of Tina when she’s tired and dozing off.  Have a great week! I know I will! I at least hope it makes someone laugh. I love reading Shakespeare, but when it comes to talking about it, my wires ALWAYS end up crossed and I end up creating this stuff one beast at a time!  I do love comedy, so that’s probably part of  it.

 

Happy Thanksgiving to All!

And I hope you all have a wonderful time with family, friends, and/or loved ones. I’ll be at work and will go to Mom’s after or early in the a.m.

Here’s a laugh for ya!

Oh Come on! You knew this was coming! LOL Have a great one!