Just to Make Things Clear…

As writers we cannot wear our hearts on our  sleeves even though we must write from them.  That is one thing that is great about “free-thinking” We address what we need to and do it in such a way that no matter how we put it,  we are gonna get flamed…Has anyone prepared their swimming pool for me yet? You know, those “special instructions” involve putting a thin layer of flammable liquid over the surface?

Here is what I am ranting about…Why is it that the media seems to think it is entitled to tell us how we should think for feel about an issue? That is not reporting–and it isn’t worthy of being called journalism.  I remember when the news used to be THE NEWS and not a lot of  reporters sharing their  opinion. They start with about 20 seconds of story–the rest is an editorial. This really gets old. I hate it when people editorialize instead of wanting me to reach my conclusion.

I remember some years back some were saying, “You should not wear white after Labor Day.” I don’t know what sparked it or what the point of that would be but IF I refused to wear white to either of my weddings, why in the blue blazing hell would I wear white after Labor Day or on any other day for that matter?  Look, I don’t care what other people do, but don’t tell me what to wear on any day of the week, even if I do detest wearing white.

I really figure as long as I don’t run the streets stark naked, no one will be traumatized or drop dead from a heart attack. Goodnight!

 

I Dare ANYONE to Caption This One!

rabbit with pot plant

 

I so totally dare anyone to caption this thing! I get the weirdest stuff on Facebook! I’ve never seen rabbits eat this before!  My question is, will they get munchies afterward?

What Nana Didn’t Miss During the Super Bowl Last Night…

As the woman sat watching her news updates the following report caught her attention: “Due to the lack of backup generators, the ball game streaker at the Super Bowl had absolutely no audience tonight. Sources say the blame lies with a certain Bush, but it was later revealed that the young man simply couldn’t be charged with the offense since he forgot to ditch the blue speedo before trying to run across the ball field after the half-time show. Disclaimer: The person reporting is not responsible for the lack of footage and is not responsible for the leak of the story. However it is a promise that if someone saw the guy, he/she would be grateful for the camera not being functional during that time!…” And then she woke up realizing that it would have made a cool joke for “The Onion“…

I just couldn’t resist combining various status comments from Facebook into this…Have a great night! I heard I didn’t miss much!

superbowl fun

Bwhahahahaha! BTW  Have a great Monday! I must admit one thing though…What is Randy Moss thinking right now…?

I Simply DO NOT Get It…Nana’s Practical Joke!

Many of my friends who know me know that I am anything BUT a prude.  I don’t believe in changing the proper name of something to make it more appealing to the subjugated masses of America.  That being said I am putting something on my blog never done to the best of my knowledge. I am putting a pair of TIT pictures on here. That is right! A Pair of Tits!  To make it easier–two pictures of two kinds of tits!  Now anyone can use my link for a practical joke and say, “For a nice looking pair of tits–check this link!”   That will teach those with a dirty mind to come here, won’t it? At least I am good for a laugh or two…

Here are the blue tits!

I think it is the part of the responsibility of EVERY writer to elicit laughter from the audience once in a while… ***Grins sheepishly here***! If you were sent here by a friend and cannot take a joke, then I’ll say to you in my best TEXSPEAREAN manner: “Don’t blame me so harshly for I didn’t name the critters! However if it should offend ‘ye then ’tis you that hath a burr in yer craw! And jus’ so ye know, them Brits have two species: Great Tits and Blue Tits and notwithstanding my dig forthwith ‘ye know I believe they love those tits!”

Well you can’t blame me! After all, I didn’t name ’em did I?

How to Make the World a Better Place

Yes…Another new one for me.  Everything actually begins from within though.  How will I make this world a better place? Here’s a few things I work on…Eventually I’ll do more:

1.  Never live a lie. In other words, don’t commit to something or someone you cannot give your all to. Doing that hurts the cause you’re representing or the person who needs someone who is committed to them 100%. It’s like  a one-way reflection.  Not fair to the cause–or to the person–whichever the case may be. Honesty is always the way to go.

2.  I do my best to make people laugh, even if I’m the butt of the joking regarding my self-depreciating sense of humor.

3.  If I don’t need it, I’ll give it to someone who does.

Simple and short, right?  It’s a start.  Been doing this for a while now, but the first one is coming much easier to me than the 3rd one!

What will you do to make this world a better place?

I want to see this place so badly!  Have a great weekend!

Nanahood Revisited…

This is my son Kevin–in one of his quieter moments!

We are about to watch the month of May 2012 flow gracefully (or not so gracefully) into History.  There has been some much-needed rain out here and I hope we get more, but here is what is going down.

I am moving into a new house.  My son Kevin and his girlfriend Daphne are moving into a bigger house since the baby will be here before we know it.  My son, since he can’t work has stayed up at night playing video games–which can be quite entertaining if someone ever gag tapes him and puts that on YouTube in order to teach him a lesson or two!

If anyone wants to see that boy pop a gasket, just wait for some idiot with a Nazi flag to show up in the game and he will emit a list of vernacular phrases so long that it will make some of the drill sergeants I’ve seen look like choir boys! All I can say is that I sincerely hope that the baby doesn’t get kicked out of day care by the time he’s 18 months old due to the broad vocabulary he might hear from my son after his birth because if that happens, Daphne will kill Kevin!

For now it’s almost funny but the more I think on it–I seriously hope Kevin calms down when he’s gaming for the sake of the baby! I told Daphne to look at the bright side of things. If he’s already going to be up at night–then he can help take care of the baby…However changing a diaper might pose a problem since he suffers from Game Controller Hand Lock Syndrome!  He won’t be able to release the game controller!  In fact, if Daphne has to kill him it may have to pried from his cold, dead hands!  😉

Deep down though,  I hope that I can be half the grandmother figure in my grandson’s  life that my Grannie Ainsworth was in mine.  Barring my cooking skills, or should I say the lack thereof, I think that my cookies will past muster with the little guy when he’s older. However, I’ll never be able to make tea cakes like she did…Kevin and I were discussing this over Mother’s Day dinner.  He can definitely cook, so he did not get that skill  from yours truly, that’s for sure!  He might have gotten that knack from Grannie! That gives me hope that my grandson will inherit that same gift and thus be able to survive!   Anyway, have a great week!

On a Lighter Note…

I need to lose 15 lbs…No seriously, I learned that while the south might use the term tea kettle for tea-pot,  there is a difference!  I also learned that there are people who DO make home-made cheese!   I am totally enthralled by this phenomenon.  I thought people stopped doing that decades ago!

I think it is simply terrific that people actually do this!

I am also grateful for all that has happened in my life.  I wouldn’t be where I am if it hadn’t been for all I have experienced.  More importantly, I am thankful for my family, my friends and my dog Buddy…

Each day we are on this orb, we should be grateful for what we do have. Even if in an emotional slump, I truly believe that there is always something we can be grateful for.

That being said, it is my wish that in the coming year, that all of my friends get what they desire–new jobs, homes, the babies to sleep the night through, or whatever…As for me I only want ONE thing and that is to be accepted 100% as I am.   I think if a person is working overtime to get me to change the way I am (or anyone else for that matter), then he or she should first invest in a mirror and start working on the person they see when they stand in front of  it. In fact, there is a good philosophy behind this particular song by Weezer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQHPYelqr0E&ob=av2e

Now you all know why I am taking my time with the guys.  I’m in no hurry…Individuality is the spice of life to me…If you cannot be comfortable in your own skin because you’re spending too much time worrying about someone else’s opinion and walking on eggshells to keep the peace–then it’s time to re-evaluate why you are where you are and make changes.  It worked for me…Have a great week!

HOW to get rid of the irate phone caller after your kid dials the wrong number! It worked for me…

Once in a while when my kids were younger, they would dial a wrong number and instead of apologizing to the person and such, they would hang up the phone.  This went on until each of my three boys were about 11 or so.  Well, one day, my boy Brian came in and said, “Mom, I’m calling Riley and going to Jennifer’s house!”  I said okay because I knew he finished his homework.  I didn’t hear anything because I was washing dishes in the kitchen with my back turned to the living room (where he was at).

About five minutes later, the phone rings and Brian had already left…I go to the phone.  The number was local and there was a name on it so I answered it.  This is how the rest of it went…

“How dare you call my husbands number you f***ing b***h~!? I could kick your ass!” etc…etc…etc…

I let her go on until she ran out of hot air…Here is how I answered her…

“Oh…I”m sorry ma’am…You have it all wrong.  You see, I saw you in Wal~Mart on aisle 7 the other night and I thought that you just had the cutest ass I ever saw–”

***CLICK*** went her phone and I NEVER heard from her again.

There is a moral to this story…There are times when a little wit goes a LONG way, but if you are a man and try to pull this, neither myself  nor anyone at wordpress.com will be responsible for any medical expenses you may incur because you have not figured out that what works for the women doesn’t always work for men–like Secret anti-perspirant…Know what I mean?

Now the song “Telephone Man” is playing in my head…Remember THAT one?

***DISCLAIMER:  Nobody at WordPress.com (admin or otherwise) has anything to do with this post! This is just me having a little fun using a bit of wit!***

The Third Time Around…***Childbirth Au Naturale***

Look…I am all for natural childbirth and such, but I am not about to put up with a bitchy nurse or CNM (Certified Nurse Midwife) that thinks he or she is equal to a doctor.  Here is why.

On November 28, 1988, I went into labor with my 3rd son–Kevin.  My water broke.  After my husband came in, we went to the hospital.  First strike against “Nurse Ballbreaker”:  “Yes your water really broke.  Why didn’t you come in earlier?”

My response: “Get the doctor to ask me that.”

Hours go by after I was admitted.  I’m supposed to get the birthing room.  No way…Nurse Ballbreaker said that they didn’t have time to make it up after the Captain’s wife used it, but they had 8 hours to take turns hanging out at the nurse’s station gossiping between rounds.  I know this because a volunteer WAC told me about it.  By the way, this was at the Evans Army Community Hospital at Ft. Carson, CO.  If you are in the military, you’re better off giving birth in the barn rather than that place.  The  walls were some shade of OD green–which I detest as well.  The nurses were out of some type of time warp or something because they mostly wore all-white.  That was irritating as well.  Now they wear different colored smocks and such which is much easier on the mental state…They aren’t as intimidating.

Then I asked for the anesthesiologist–for HOURS.  “Well he’s tired and he’s been up all night. We can’t be calling him.” –per Nurse Ballbreaker.

Then the last straw came.  I knew Kevin was coming.  I was about to push.  She came in the room and instead of checking me she said, “Look , we can’t check you every time you feel like you want to push so you just need to breathe and deal with it!” she yelled.

My ex instinctively backed away from my bed.  “Look Bitch!,” I yelled, “Having a kid is like riding a f***ing bicycle! Once you’ve done it you don’t forget how so I suggest you get the mother f***ing doctor now!”

A female colonel entered my room almost immediately and asked, “Mrs. Thomas, what is going on?”  Nurse Ballbreaker tried to butt in but the colonel told her to be quiet.  She then put on a glove and checked me herself.  She looked at Nurse Ballbreaker and said, “She’s dilated and this baby is about to crown. Why the hell isn’t she on the delivery table, Nurse?!”

I swear to God that Nurse Ballbreaker was reduced to sounding like Porky Pig when she said, “Well we thought–”

“We’ll talk later.” the doctor said.  The doctor made her leave the area and got another nurse.  This nurse was very nice.  She told me not to push until I was told to and walked with me through the breathing bit.  I think my ex was traumatized by the encounter with Nurse Ballbreaker so he just held my hand.  The doctor was NOT happy with where Nurse Ballbreaker inserted my I. V. either.  She said once Kevin was born and after four hours, they’d remove it and not restart it.

In between contractions, I was put on a gurney.  They wheeled me down the hall.  I felt the boy coming alright…Ballbreaker didn’t even get me a local!  We got next to the delivery table, the doctor raised the sheet just in time to put her hands out to catch Kevin–and he came in kicking, screaming and raising hell, too!  She looked at me and I said, “Tell that bitch nurse I said “I told you so, will you?” and the doctor smiled and said, “She won’t be bothering anyone on my ward again.”

The next night a WAC (volunteer retired Army Nurse) came into my room and kept giggling. I asked her what was up.  She smiled, “Mrs. Thomas, that nurse you chewed out last night is in the geriatric ward now.  That colonel chewed her ass up one end of the ward and down the other after she had to deal with that delivery.  They didn’t have time to do an incision to keep you from tearing because of her.”

“Well the bitch is lucky I didn’t tear anywhere but down the old scar about a half an inch.  I’d have her ass right now.” I told her.

That WAC and said, “Yeah…When the colonel finished with her, the director got her again.”

Well, I can say this much, I have truly experienced natural childbirth but I humbly apologize to all the taxpayers now if they footed a bill for a birthing room and for anesthesia that was never even utilized in 1988!  I used to ditch lab slips for tests I knew I didn’t need–like that damned Rh Titer one  when both my ex and I were Rh+.  They didn’t like that either, but I don’t think taxpayers should be paying for unnecessary shit and will not deal with that.  Have a great week!  😀  Oh, by the way, he was born AFTER midnight so he was born ON November 29, 1988…