In What Colors Do You Dream?

Sounds silly doesn’t it?  Maybe it is but we all have our quirks and perks.  Some of us even slide into pulling into our shells from time to time because we are safer there. It is when I am in my shell, as I am at the moment that I begin to ask myself what it is I really want? What color do I want my life to be?  Blue is beautiful, yet almost as somber as black depending on the shade.  I love how the rain, lightning and thunder mixes with that–and there are many times I have felt safer in the storm than out of it.

Nobody can understand that thought either. I hear that life cannot be a “color” but who is it that makes these bloody rules?  I know that there are those times when I rant about some things, but they DO make some sense to me.  The color on those days is not a basic crayon red but more of that of arterial blood–my blood, which I once saw after being viciously bitten once.  That was a scary experience–combined with  yellow, which is often associated with fear but not canary yellow…Oh no…It’s more of a pastel because while there is some fear in my hesitation,  that part does not last long.

Then there is my mountain which ranges from brown to green, with various sprinkles of color throughout depending on my journey.  It calms and blends all those other colors.  It is said that we all bleed red but the road is red also.  That blood that dripped from me then is now part of that road for real.  So what color should I dream in?  Should it be the mixture of blues and greys of a summer rain long anticipated, or should I start to dream of greens and such?

Better yet here is a question for you.  What is the color of love?  Does any emotion have a color?  I thought I knew love but I didn’t until now.  It embraces me when I close my eyes. It chases me when I would rather be alone.  It really never gives up on me, so the Universe must know something that I don’t.  However, I don’t let it consume me.  I cannot let it possess me. It opens me back up to yellow all over again…This time the same shade of yellow as that wallpaper that Charlotte Perkins Gillman wrote about. I have heard that love is insane.  Time will tell won’t it?

What color is insanity?  Is it bold and bright or pastels and subdued?  Are the artists and dreamers really the mad ones or is the rest of the world the color of–well what color could the word “fucked” be?

Sometimes it can be the dark hues of “The Awakening” by Kate Chopin or “The Bell Jar” by Sylvia Plath.  All of these colors I am looking into–but if love has a color–I fear letting it become a force to drive me out of this comfort zone–this solitude I am now in for the rest of the week.  As long as I don’t slip into the darkness of a murky river with grey stones to weigh me down, I guess I am doing fine.  That color keeps chasing me–especially when I dream–but should I dream it at all?  Is it white and pure or is it the color of the bruises that I once had upon my heart?

I do know this much–it does have different types and degrees–some true and some false.  How does one know the difference in their heart? Does the  Universe say to trust it, or to think before deciding?   I’m not trying so hard now.  Maybe it is not a color but a vibration.  If I figure this out, I’ll discuss that later.  But for now, in what colors do you dream?  I think I’ll enjoy these colors for a while:

Solitude with peace…This is where love might find me–if I let it.

I will stop this now.  I would rather dream the colors of my mountain and the colors of the new chapter in my life about to open.  Something is on the horizon–and it will be to my benefit.   In what colors do you dream?

Sometimes When I Cry…

I learned that my 6th grade English teacher passed away within the past 48 hours.   This was a woman who was tough, but fair.  She always pushed her students to do their best, yet as they got older, she encouraged them to march to the beat of their own drum.  She was best at marching to her own beat in a time that most felt uncomfortable with anyone or anything that was not descended from the same train of thought that they were.

One thing I did learn was that she expected to hear our own voices when we wrote–not a rehashing of what someone else spent months and years pounding into our heads.  There are days I simply want to scream, “This is who I am!” knowing that very few accept my not-so-conventional train of thought (and probably never will).   I do not know that she ever experienced this depth of feeling so alone at times, but I know I experienced it for most of my life.

Death has been a constant companion to me.  It is neither male nor female, and yet it’s presence seems to invade my space and that peace I have as of late.  It is a part of my life, having been touched by it many times in my youth, and damned near experiencing it myself twice. I won’t go into the details of it, but I know what it is to come very close to experiencing that endlessness that everyone seems to fear with  so much dread.

I don’t fear it though.  Why bother fearing it when it touches us all more than we realize?  If anything, it is what we leave behind that we should fear.  It is the failing of saying “I love you.” to those closest to us each day that should have us reeling in repentance for neglecting to realize that they DO need to hear those three words from time to time.

It is our failing as human beings to do what we know to do that is right even when nobody is watching us that we should fear.  It is the children and grandchildren that will learn what it is to inherit a lack of integrity as a result.

It is our non-acceptance of others regardless of how different they are from us that we should grovel in tears over, because our children and our grandchildren will learn what it is to be a bigot if we fail to realize our own stupidity with respect to this issue.

It is our unwillingness to give selflessly of ourselves to others we should show some remorse over, for our children and our grandchildren will learn what it is to be self-centered from that alone.

It is our willingness to dash one another in thought and tongue from our presence (since it is not legal to kill them) that we should weep over because if we are willing to force our wills upon someone else rather than take them as they are or banish them that teaches our children that hatred is a good thing–as well as power.

There is power in hatred.  From hatred springs every evil known to man–murder, destruction, wars and sometimes pestilence.  Anyone who disagrees should look at how there have been many advantages given to Death to do its deeds with each successive conflict in History–and we won’t even discuss periods of time when hundreds of thousands of people to millions of them were slaughtered.

Sometimes when I cry, it is because  although I know Death is a constant companion in life and to life, I have joy for it does not dominate me.   Death in and of itself is a release from the bonds of our own nature it seems.  However, if we are not concerned about the tracks we leave behind in our trail for those to follow, then we have lost all consciousness of who we are and what we should strive to become throughout our days.  Does that make sense?  If it doesn’t, then reflect on it a while.  How should we WANT to be remembered?  I know how I remember my teacher and several others that have passed before her would answer that question.

Sometimes when I cry, I remember that they gave me a torch to carry and to pass on to my grandchildren–and I will do so–regardless of what others may think.  We should never fear those we don’t answer to–but we should fear what we leave behind for our descendants to answer for in our behalf, I think.  For what we leave in our own tracks, we are accountable because it is the future generations that will always pay for our own stupidity in spades in the end.

Yes, we should follow our own drum–but we shouldn’t sentence our descendants to follow the drum others make for them. Sometimes when I cry, I fear that they will not know what to follow because they are pushed so hard to be like “everyone else” and not themselves now–or so it seems.

You Lead the Way…

Please don’t be sad. You have much left ahead of you.  You give of your knowledge freely.  Why are you sad and depressed?  If your attitude is not what you’d like it to be where you are, change your latitude.  Yes you heard me.  Go elsewhere.  You must follow your spirit. If it bids you to leave you must leave–even if I want you to stay.  I would never confine you like that because to chain you would be to destroy you.

What? Come with you?  But I thought I stood in your way…You mean, you’ve actually thought this through?  It’s scary for me.  You are the vagabond.  You are the traveler. I’ve never done this before.  Are you certain that this is what you want?  I don’t understand.  What do you mean that I am the one who has been chained all this time?   I see.  We work as one.  We should move about as one unit.  Okay. You win.  I don’t know why I thought you were pulling away from me, when actually you were pulling me closer.

I guess we both must go where our spirits direct–together…However, you lead the way because I feel safer following in the tracks.

 

Reflections II

While most who know me know I still have a few days in the year where I become totally anti-social and complaining about everything from romantic love being a myth on those days (among other things) to borderline total recluse again, I have come a long way in the past 2 1/2 years.  It started with this blog…

http://www.fizgiggery.com/2009/anecdotes-observations/a-short-story-about-karma-2

From there I read “the Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho, which you can get here:  http://www.amazon.com/Alchemist-Paulo-Coelho/dp/0061122416/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1313791433&sr=1-1   or here:  http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/alchemist-paulo-coelho/1100248293?ean=9780061122415&itm=1&usri=the%2balchemist

You can also get this on a nook download, and the B&N nook downloads also work on Pandigital readers. I know. I have one.

Dr. Wayne Dyer also has a movie out called “The Shift“.  It is well worth watching also.  It has a lot of truth in here pertinent to what I am saying.

Every door through which we pass is not an ending.  It is always a change of direction–but this can be more of an opportunity, whether it be to learn and grow, or to move into something totally different from what you are doing now. If you start viewing things in this light, then losing the job isn’t such a bad thing.  I walked away from being a correctional sergeant due to all the corruption and the fact that the cliques run my old unit than anything else.

These “cliques” are most often ran by administration.  Once they run out of officers to gang up on (and do not think that this doesn’t happen, I saw it happen for years) they will go to their house and eat their own young.  If they have no kids, they’ll eat their pets…Anyway, that is not what I want to focus on.  People like that are like the snake that beheads itself by eating itself from the tail upward until there is nothing left.

Now if you are in a situation like that, you should never be of a train of thought that there is nowhere else to turn to and/or nowhere  else to go…As I said, where one door closes, another opens.  It always works that way–if you allow it to.  Instead of saying, “Okay…I got laid off (fired, demoted, etc…). Turn that thought around.  This is not new-agey…It works.  Just say to yourself, “A new job is there…” and don’t waste time dwelling on the one just lost.  Just start hitting the pavement and fill out the applications, send out the resumes or whatever, but believe that job is there.  Check back within a week to ensure that they have the “correct contact information” for you on file.  That’s also a good way to let an employer know that you are actually wanting to work and not just fulfilling a requirement for some agency such as The Department of Human Services to receive TANF, Food Stamps or whatever.  You cannot just fill things out, drop them off and leave it.  You’ll never get called back that way.  Always show that you are earnest as well as confident–but don’t be pushy.  Just smile–YES SMILE and show a positive attitude.

I also feel that this is another good book to get your hands on…”How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie…Get it at a used book place because it’s cheap there.   If nothing else, begin to work on your own “self-image“…How do YOU see yourself?  Smile.  It does help.  Nine times out of ten, it is not anything that you are doing or saying preventing you from getting that job, but how you see yourself.  Believe it or not, if you feel negatively about your own self-image, that is what you will project to an employer.

Here is one more thing I suggest you do whether you are male or female:  Dress up dammit!  Seriously! Dress up and go someplace–even if it’s to a restaurant just for a cup of coffee and read a book.  If you make a habit of dressing up, even if out of work, you will eventually carry yourself in such a way that people will see confidence in you…So that is two things you need to have energy-wise coming from inside of your inner-self:  Confidence and positive attitude.  They go hand in hand.

I have a job and I am quite happy with it.  I did not like the person I was becoming while working at the prison.  I was skeptical, trusting absolutely NOBODY and didn’t want to be around anyone when I got off of work.   I was sinking back into a reclusive lifestyle and I knew I had to change from that.  Do I have days that I still wish to be left alone? Definitely.  We all do.  Do I have days where I am tempted to go right back into shutting everybody out?  Yes…What stops me?  The fact that that link Lauren has got me to thinking about something besides the junk I had to experience.

This life is not about what YOU gain or take with you…No…It’s about what you can give back.  That is what I’ve learned so far in my life in the past two years and it was the first link I shared with you that convinced me that there had to be “more than this” while I was working in that prison–while building a new cage for myself.    Have a great weekend!  I hope that this helps in some way because I know it worked for me.

I Really Believe that Black Elk’s Wisdom is Needed Now

The True Peace

The first peace, which is the most important,
is that which comes within the souls of people
when they realize their relationship,
their oneness, with the universe and all its powers,
and when they realize that at the center
of the universe dwells Wakan-Taka (the Great Spirit),
and that this center is really everywhere, it is within each of us.
This is the real peace, and the others are but reflections of this.
The second peace is that which is made between two individuals,
and the third is that which is made between two nations.
But above all you should understand that there can never
be peace between nations until there is known that true peace,
which, as I have often said, is within the souls of men.

Black Elk, Oglala Sioux & Spiritual Leader (1863 – 1950)

This is probably one of the wisest men who ever lived.  I think it is time that people learned from the wisdom that he left behind. If they would, the world wouldn’t be destroying itself from within.  The origin of all the problems of this world lies within the heart of  each individual.  We must always look to “fix” ourselves before trying to right the rest of the world. Once done, there will be no need or desire to encroach into another’s realm.  Trying to “convert” the world will never work because the spirit of man will always be free and will never submit to the oppression of others–even if they have to talk to their creator in secret.  No individual or group will ever dominate the spirit of man because only the creator can decide the destiny of any individual.

Black Elk knew where freedom lies.  It lies within each of us.  I just thought I would share that.  The freedom to “be” can never be taken from anyone.  When we get into that quiet place to where we can each hear that small, still voice inside of ourselves and take direction from it, then will we be able to find what it is we need to do with our time–what is left of it.  Time is too short to squander, and very precious.  We must make the most of our existence while we are here.  Only what we impart to others determines the impact we have on the lives of those us.  That is why it is so important to work  on ourselves FIRST.

Happy Mother’s Day, everyone!