26 Years After Losing a Child, I Still Wonder…

It was 26–almost 27 years ago that I miscarried. I remember the sac and such.  I was told I wasn’t pregnant anymore, yet two weeks later I still had morning sickness and such.  Then that doctor said, “It’s psychological and was going to send me to a “counselor”.”  After ranting for about 20 minutes about how having a kid is like riding a bicycle, they decided to do an ultrasound and another pregnancy test.

When the test came back “positive” my doctor was baffled.  Then they did the ultrasound. Sure enough, there was another sac with a fetus inside of it–with a heartbeat.  That was my son, Brian.  The doctor looked at me and said, “It is very rare to lose one and keep the other but it has happened before.  Most of the time these pregnancies are difficult and still result in loss…” and I stopped listening at that point.

The pregnancy was difficult. I spent the last few weeks in bed. Brian was 6 lbs. 8 ounces when he was born and was still estimated to have been born 6-8 weeks early.  He had reflux and had to sleep at an angle after he almost died at 2 months.  His stomach valve wasn’t fully developed and this caused his milk to go to this lungs when he spit up.

To this day I wonder what his twin might have been like. Boy? Girl? Red haired and blue-eyed like him, or more like me–dark hair and green/hazel eyes…I can say this, no child replaces another. I still mourn the loss of the one. It is very insensitive to tell a mother who has lost a baby via miscarriage or stillbirth anything such as “Well at least you can have another one.” or as in my case, “You don’t need any more children anyway. You already have one.”   I never spoke to that “friend” again either.

I also want to add losing a child does not mean one is not a mother or a father. They still are. They still grieve and mourn and go through the gamut of emotions that go with any death of a loved one.  The fathers go through the experience as well so it is not fair to expect them to be any less traumatized or hurt. Guys, if you have a male friend whose girlfriend or wife went through this, let him grieve and listen. At least then you are being a true friend to him. The same goes for the women who have never experienced it. There is NO right thing to say, but just listening helps.  So do hugs and allowing the person their grief.  This “being stoic” thing is bullshit.  Don’t expect that. We are human. We feel. We cry. We mourn.  Deal with it or just keep  quiet.

We do make our way back eventually, in our own time and in our own way.

 

Another Empty Space…

Everywhere I look for you an empty space is there…Whether it’s the empty living room spot where you might appear, or your place in my new home where you should be…I would give anything to hear your voice one more time right now.  Years ago I saw you for the last time, and my love for you stands to this day.

I believe a lot of people try to fill their empty spaces with many, many things…

Some use relationships–but I don’t need a romantic interest to validate who I am.

Some use alcohol, which numbs the pain, but that space they long to fill is still empty.

Some use drugs, yet the pain is always there–only seeming to be more intensified.

Some use holy roads, but there are so many to choose from, so I wonder if there is a ‘right’ one at times.

Some use power, but that is because they lost their way, and the space is never filled.

Some use money, but it will not buy anything fit to fill that vacancy left in the wake of your going.

Some use possessions, as if one thing can truly replace the spirit that once inhabited that space.

I choose to reserve that space. Even if it remains unfilled, for it is not as though anything else could replace you.

Freedom puts my faith in what you left behind, and believe me, that legacy is a rich one.

Wisdom does dictate that I can create a new space for a new entity–but the Universe would really need to move a bit.

 

Have a great week!

 

The Aurora Borealis appeared in Nebraska in 2006….It is one of the wonders I wish to see!

This is the Best Blog Post of 2011

I am going to make this short, sweet and not too wordy.  Like I said, I have circled my wagons a bit.  This writer has turned me around in more ways than one, but this time she really caused me to deeply reflect.  I love her for doing this, and she always makes me think…However there are times like now, when I kick to recluse mode and just hide in the Bat Cave.  Before I hide for a while, I just want to say that this is, by far, the best post I have read all year.

It deals with losing her grandmother and the way she shares her memories  of her totally rocks!  This is a post that is timeless! Please read it!

Please read it, and drop her a line!  She is really one cool lady!

http://www.fizgiggery.com/2011/anecdotes-observations/nanny