We Still Have Then but All We Need is Now…

In 1982, I gave birth to my son, Eric…I had him on my 20th birthday in fact–and even though there are times when the old grouch gets pissed off, he’s still the best birthday present I ever had.   I didn’t give a damn about the politics of the day. I didn’t give a damn what people thought of me too much then–and still don’t…Gee…I wonder where 2 of my kids get that from? I’m smiling sheepishly as I remember those days…I liked bowling, dancing, walking about and above all–writing and listening to music.

While 1982 was a banner year, it was also a year of loss. Hell, we lost Marvin Gaye. Now with all the crap going on, “What’s Going On?” really comes to mind here…Forget the “Sexual Healing” bit…He got a lot of accolades for that one but I still say “What’s Going On?” is one of his best.

I can say a lot about 1982 right now…first it was a “Thriller”…. 1982, I was so “Caught Up in You”.  I loved it loud then, and “I Love It Loud” now.  I wonder if “Jack and Diane” ever got into saying “If You Want My Love” to each other?  If they did, maybe it was in the “Heat of the Moment”.

I do know if they had tried to pass the Patriot Act in 1982 there would have been a loud “I Can’t Go For That” being screamed in D.C.  Has anyone ever figured out what the “Young Turks” needed to be free from yet? Just wondering.  However as far as men and women go, I haven’t heard anyone trying to use “I’ve Been Waiting for a Girl Like You” as a  pick up line in a bar yet…

We have learned that it is best to take the advice Rick Springfield gave us…”Don’t Talk to Strangers” because serial killers do not make it “Hurt So Good” now do they?  Funny how when we were young we didn’t seem to worry about too much of that stuff, or did we?  Well I know I didn’t.  I do know that my exes were never “Always on My Mind” when I got enough balls to say “Goodbye to You”.

Well whatever went on in “Allentown”–it wasn’t “Sexual Healing”…Hedonism was the furthest thing from the imagination in that part of the country as well, I think.  However, there was some “Tainted Love” going on until someone decided to “Shake It Up” a bit when they found out their sweetheart was the “Centerfold”–that is, until someone younger came along and the agent said “Abracadabra” and that model got replaced by a younger one a few years later…

Some also said “I Ran Away” because it was “Hard for Me to Say I’m Sorry”.  I can fully prove that was a lie. I just opted for the “Thriller” of a time when someone asked “Don’t You Want Me”? I said no and then turned back to my ultimate love at the time…I mean, most who know me will be the first to tell you that “I Love Rock N Roll”–which left “Rosanna” slightly perplexed as in counseling, she thought I wanted to be a writer and not a rock star.

In music, there was always harmony between “Ebony and Ivory”–until the hair bands told everyone else to “Beat It”. So what did the rest of us young fools do? We went to “Rock the Casbah” while possessing the “Eye of the Tiger”!  We got so “Physical” in that fight that we left “Billie Jean” perplexed and lying in the dust!

And after that fight, we were “Hungry Like the Wolf”….

Well that was a long time ago. And now that I’ve compiled this morbidly insane  list from ONE video  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAGYIvg1FHk  in order to complete this writing exercise, with the exception of “Hungry Like the Wolf”– which is included because, quite simply, I know it came out in 1982, I hope you enjoyed this ridiculous trip down memory lane since I was under immense “Pressure” to hurry up and get it done prior to going to bed…By the way, “Pressure” by Billy Joel is not in the video either which surprises me because it was a damned good song!   I should know…I didn’t forget my birthday that year or the fact I gave birth to Eric then!

However, in the present “All You Need is Now”  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0X3O4PCP5MM     In fact, that is all I need too.  Have a great night!

When There is No Justice, There Are Tears Without End

Today I am charged with writing something about my best friend.  This is the hardest post I ever had to write. Why? Because she is dead. She has been dead for years, but in high school she was my best friend. She knew everything about me and never shared it with anyone.  To this day I  still wonder why her killers got off with only a 7 year sentence when it was clearly premeditated murder. Had I been able to attend the trial,  I would have raised hell to the media about how HER character was put on trial rather than the actions of the bitch that pumped the bullets into her body.  She was lured out to a desolate road, shot and left for dead. The last conversation I had with her, we talked about my boys and such. Then she said she had to go to meet someone. That was the last time we ever spoke.

So what ended up happening? To make a long story short, they didn’t find the deposit. I guess they were high on drugs or something because they tore the rest of the car apart looking for it from what I am told. So what is there to say? My memories were of good, clean juvenile fun we had and a few in-depth discussions. Ironically I never met her father until well after she died.  She and I would talk for hours on the phone just BS’ing.  He remembered that. I remember the pain in his eyes. I remember seeing his tears fall as he relayed to me his thoughts about losing his only daughter.  Losing a child is a pain I can relate to, only I lost mine due to troubled pregnancies.

And as my eyes are now welling up, I can say no more–except this and that hope she is at peace, even though she got NO justice. Here is part of a song I wrote for her…Her name is Leslie.

“Childhood Friend”

“..Childhood Friend…Why have you gone out to play in all the rain, again?

Leaving me alone, your memory to defend to the end.

God it hurts so bad but I miss my childhood friend…”

I cannot write anymore.  I still miss her after all these years. I guess you can tell just from what I wrote above where the 2nd line came from…But she is dead and cannot defend herself. The person I knew is not the one the defense lawyer for these murderers tried to portray. That I do know and will go to my grave knowing it. I can tell you this…Not once did she ever try to offer me drugs of any kind–which is what the defense for these ass clowns tried to say she was doing in her free time to make THEM look a little better, I guess.  Given my childhood, which most who know me personally are aware of–if she were offering anyone drugs I would have been a prime candidate for self-medication back then just to escape the bull crap that went on in my life.

RIP Leslie…I still miss you, kid…

I also have an aunt who was murdered…They never found who did that either…Either way, Leslie got no justice and my aunt’s killers are out there and it sucks.

That’s How You Left Me

Everything fades into a blindness

from lights within my mind

and all I can see is what is left here

memories of our time

with mourning shades the cloud

lingers on and still I wait here…

Not that you would care

but all I see is all that is dead

but you’re still there…

And yet wonder why it is you left me waiting

for a sign that never comes

And all I know is that I’m empty

A space is all that remains

of where my heart should be

It’s been that way

that’s how you left me…

The pictures will fade in time from my memory

as I grow old alone

and all I do know is that I once had a place

That I dared call my home.

But all that remains are faded pictures

since that’s now turned to dust

And all I can see there is

what has come of love and trust.

And yet I’ll wonder why it is you left me waiting

for a sign that never comes

And all I’ll  know is that I’m empty

with the rising of the sun

while I embrace the stars

that’s how you left me.

And all that’s left are dreams.

Letter to Lil Man:

Dear Kevin D. (aka “Lil Man) Thomas:

You are a child who is blessed with a mother and father that love you.  When I held you in my arms the day you were born, it brought back memories of when I held your father in my arms.  Like your father before you, I knew you were a fighter with a strong spirit.  Even now, almost 7 months later, I can see the love in your eyes just as I saw it in his.  When you reach for your mother, in your eyes, you are reaching for your guardian angel.

I may not show my emotions much, but they are there.  I would lay down my life for you, your mother, your brother and sisters, your father and/or your uncles on any day of the week. That is how much I love you all.  One day you will know what I mean by that but for now I log that here.  Maybe one day, when you are old enough to read it, then you will understand that our blood runs deeper than the muddy waters of the Mississippi River and our ancestry is important–all sides of it so embrace it and learn about it.

While I am here, I will show you what I can, but the rest will be up to you one day.  May you walk in beauty.  May the road rise up to meet you and the wind be at your back as well.  Above all,  These are blessings from  2 parts of your ancestry–the Irish and the Native American. You must also learn of all of your ancestors for there are valuable things you can carry through life with you.  I do know that  a wise person will always find his or her way (from a Tanzanian proverb) and that is my hope for you–to find a way–YOUR way in life.  

Know who you are and where you come from. That is something nobody can ever take away from you. Above all, when you are older, live your life and go for your dreams. That is my hope for you.

With Love,

Nana

PS:  Sleep well, Lil Man…

phone 334

 

Nana knows this much…

The woman never could understand why people search for that which is so hard to find unless they look within. No one needs to spend a fortune to seek these things out. One only needs to be willing to learn and experience it–and to be silent and listen. Each person must do this on his or her own–wherever their wings take them–and it is nothing to fear. And that person must patiently wait for the answer. Fear keeps many from finding their vision and sometimes looking for it through others can prevent it–especially if we become too dependent upon them. Others can guide us, but we must find our path ourselves, in our own way, in our own time. The process is part of the adventure, and it can be rewarding–and for her it has been.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JI2o-nxHd8

I have my mountain to which I run to, and it is where I find my solace but I plan to go to Sedona, AZ or to Pecos, NM for a retreat at some point. There is strength in silence and beauty in places where nature can speak to us.  That being said, I hope you all have a great weekend.

 

-Indian-Native-American-Wallpapers-Looking-Specifically-For-One-With-Quote8230-Fresh-New-Hd-Wallpaper--

Two Worlds….

I look in the mirror.  It is one world. It is like a picture of me.

The battle ensues–one of anger and one of apathy

another of love and another of  trust

still more rage…One of pain and one of sorrow

Then that of grief  and total indifference…

With all these wars, can any side win?

I think not.  In fact, I know not.

It may seem silly but it is all there-each facet

mentioning  two different worlds with the

duplicity in each facet as if it should matter

yet it doesn’t.  It just is.

In What Colors Do You Dream?

Sounds silly doesn’t it?  Maybe it is but we all have our quirks and perks.  Some of us even slide into pulling into our shells from time to time because we are safer there. It is when I am in my shell, as I am at the moment that I begin to ask myself what it is I really want? What color do I want my life to be?  Blue is beautiful, yet almost as somber as black depending on the shade.  I love how the rain, lightning and thunder mixes with that–and there are many times I have felt safer in the storm than out of it.

Nobody can understand that thought either. I hear that life cannot be a “color” but who is it that makes these bloody rules?  I know that there are those times when I rant about some things, but they DO make some sense to me.  The color on those days is not a basic crayon red but more of that of arterial blood–my blood, which I once saw after being viciously bitten once.  That was a scary experience–combined with  yellow, which is often associated with fear but not canary yellow…Oh no…It’s more of a pastel because while there is some fear in my hesitation,  that part does not last long.

Then there is my mountain which ranges from brown to green, with various sprinkles of color throughout depending on my journey.  It calms and blends all those other colors.  It is said that we all bleed red but the road is red also.  That blood that dripped from me then is now part of that road for real.  So what color should I dream in?  Should it be the mixture of blues and greys of a summer rain long anticipated, or should I start to dream of greens and such?

Better yet here is a question for you.  What is the color of love?  Does any emotion have a color?  I thought I knew love but I didn’t until now.  It embraces me when I close my eyes. It chases me when I would rather be alone.  It really never gives up on me, so the Universe must know something that I don’t.  However, I don’t let it consume me.  I cannot let it possess me. It opens me back up to yellow all over again…This time the same shade of yellow as that wallpaper that Charlotte Perkins Gillman wrote about. I have heard that love is insane.  Time will tell won’t it?

What color is insanity?  Is it bold and bright or pastels and subdued?  Are the artists and dreamers really the mad ones or is the rest of the world the color of–well what color could the word “fucked” be?

Sometimes it can be the dark hues of “The Awakening” by Kate Chopin or “The Bell Jar” by Sylvia Plath.  All of these colors I am looking into–but if love has a color–I fear letting it become a force to drive me out of this comfort zone–this solitude I am now in for the rest of the week.  As long as I don’t slip into the darkness of a murky river with grey stones to weigh me down, I guess I am doing fine.  That color keeps chasing me–especially when I dream–but should I dream it at all?  Is it white and pure or is it the color of the bruises that I once had upon my heart?

I do know this much–it does have different types and degrees–some true and some false.  How does one know the difference in their heart? Does the  Universe say to trust it, or to think before deciding?   I’m not trying so hard now.  Maybe it is not a color but a vibration.  If I figure this out, I’ll discuss that later.  But for now, in what colors do you dream?  I think I’ll enjoy these colors for a while:

Solitude with peace…This is where love might find me–if I let it.

I will stop this now.  I would rather dream the colors of my mountain and the colors of the new chapter in my life about to open.  Something is on the horizon–and it will be to my benefit.   In what colors do you dream?

Another Empty Space…

Everywhere I look for you an empty space is there…Whether it’s the empty living room spot where you might appear, or your place in my new home where you should be…I would give anything to hear your voice one more time right now.  Years ago I saw you for the last time, and my love for you stands to this day.

I believe a lot of people try to fill their empty spaces with many, many things…

Some use relationships–but I don’t need a romantic interest to validate who I am.

Some use alcohol, which numbs the pain, but that space they long to fill is still empty.

Some use drugs, yet the pain is always there–only seeming to be more intensified.

Some use holy roads, but there are so many to choose from, so I wonder if there is a ‘right’ one at times.

Some use power, but that is because they lost their way, and the space is never filled.

Some use money, but it will not buy anything fit to fill that vacancy left in the wake of your going.

Some use possessions, as if one thing can truly replace the spirit that once inhabited that space.

I choose to reserve that space. Even if it remains unfilled, for it is not as though anything else could replace you.

Freedom puts my faith in what you left behind, and believe me, that legacy is a rich one.

Wisdom does dictate that I can create a new space for a new entity–but the Universe would really need to move a bit.

 

Have a great week!

 

The Aurora Borealis appeared in Nebraska in 2006….It is one of the wonders I wish to see!

Farewell My Warrior

I stood up here again today.  I waited quietly for the sign or a word from you.  I felt so alone–isolated and unloved without you here.  I kept dwelling on why you were taken from me, weeping softly as the willow trees harmonized along with the wind.   It was then I felt the embrace of the South Wind.  The warmth of it made me aware of a presence I hadn’t noticed before.   I felt as if I were being embraced when I was asking why you were gone.  I looked to my right and saw a number of blue jays in a nearby try.  They didn’t move even if I moved closer, but kept watching me…

It was then I remembered something else–a story an old man in the village had told me about how the cardinals and blue jays watch over us at times.  I could almost hear you telling me that it was alright.  I could almost feel you wrap your arms around me in that wind.  Then the clouds started to blow in and a mist began to fall…I then heard the cry of the Eagle.  I knew the time to mourn would pass and that the Eagle would guide me to the point to where I could find you.

I began to walk further into the forest on that mountain and the rain began to fall.  I found a cave and went inside.  The storm grew worse, but I knew the Eagle guided me here for a reason. As the thunder roared and the rain quenched the thirst of the forest, I felt a slumber come over me.  I laid down on my jacket and closed my eyes.  I then walked through a field toward a magnificent lake.  The mountains there were much taller than here and had more green trees and beautiful flowers. It was there I saw the white stallion.  You once promised me that when I saw a white stallion, it would mean that I would go to another land, far away from the land of my tears.

I had little idea that when I arrived back home, a plane ticket to a place called Montana was waiting for me.  I guess that it is there that I will discover a new world–and a new life.  I did not know that I would be needed elsewhere, but you did.  You told me this long before I lost you.  I will go forth now and will shed no more tears.  This was meant to be.  What awaits me there, I am not sure, but I know that when you told me that I would leave here, I never thought that I would have to live this vision alone.  Until we meet again.  Farewell, my warrior.

The water behind the mountain ahead...