Holiday Depression Issues…

I am deeply disturbed at the lack of coverage on this issue.  It seems that at this time of year, especially when people are experiencing difficulty, friends and family seem to not realize that what is going on when people get snappy or unhappy it is due to Holiday Depression.  There is pressure to get and make that perfect dinner–get gifts for Christmas, make the shopping on Nov 25th of this year, etc…Imagine what it could for me having wrecked my car recently, going into debt with 3 birthdays coming up during this time–Eric’s (my oldest is also on Nov 25th (my birthday also), Brian’s is Dec 17th and Kevin’s is Nov 29th…

The running joke is that I am freaking broke from Oct.-Jan!

I am not depressed, though. Far from it. I am grateful that I have a family who is always there for me and for an employer that totally rocks! Yes, I took a pay cut when I quit the Texas Dept. of Criminal Justice in 2010, and have no regrets.  The pay cut was well worth it. I am concerned for someone I know who seems to be sad this time of year and going through so much.  I am also concerned for a family that lost two loved ones in a fire last night.

Look, I’m not here to preach, but if you are worried about finances, the first thing you should do is simply NOT spend money on items for others that you can barely afford, if at all. This marketing ploy drives me nuts every year.  You will find that many relatives and friends love home-made candy and gifts as opposed to the cheap crap that we get into our stores now.  My sister makes us fudge and other candies and we LOVE IT! Nothing can beat that!

Although I don’t have as much since I took that pay cut, I have more than most.  I have my family, my dog, a blog I read faithfully that always inspires me to keep my head out of my backside and keep remembering that doors always open where others close.    Sometimes we end up in a place where we are not happy at the moment, but we have to be there for a reason.  We have to follow our intuition and simply go to where we may fear to tread from time to time.  When we reach that destination we so felt a strong need to go to, sometimes things do not go as planned.  We don’t get that job or the place we want right away–but we must learn to be still and silent.  We must wait.

The latter part of that is the hardest part of all.  It is especially hard when in that stillness we hear the echoes of loved ones telling us things that were so important to them, but seem lost in the time since their passing.  We try to apply this to ourselves, but it is not something that can be forced as much as it can be allowed to enter us and embrace us. I can remember the last conversation I had with my father and grandfather one day before their passing.  Each call ended with “I love you.”  This means so much more to me than people know.  Even today I can hear them say those words to me when I am feeling like a broken china doll, and it calms my spirit.

I remember going to the ocean in Monterrey, California after my grandfather died.  I felt a release and a comfort there as I said my good-bye to him while allowing the waters of the Pacific Ocean to lap over my feet and feeling the breeze blow through my hair.  It was then I felt that “embrace” (as I call it) and knew that this was meant to be and that he was no longer suffering.  There is a song Carly Simon wrote and sang after losing her mother that seems to sum up a lot of what I feel right now, and I think it will help those who have lost someone close to them also.  It is called “Like a River”…Watch the video here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leQhz8oIYRQ&ob=av2e

I was raised as a Baptist. I don’t go to church, but I do know it says in the bible that when we die, we become as angels.  If that is so, then that explains this…Maybe our loved ones never truly leave us.  Whether we call this simply “the Universe”, “God“, “Ronald McDonald” or whatever, something seems to be embracing us and trying to gently tell us that all will be alright–if we be still, listen and wait–and then trust that this entity will take care of us if we simply trust in it just enough to know that it is not out there to hurt us or make bad things happen–but to help us endure the stuff that comes at us from all directions and drives us mad from time to time.

Sometimes those angels sent to help us are not in our memories and such, but in those around us that we would least  likely expect. Sometimes it helps me just to get out and visit new places and meet new people that I interview.  At other times, like when the sun comes up, I will be on my mountain, allowing whatever meets me there to embrace me and calm my spirit to get through the day once again.  However, lately my angels have come in the form of those whose blogs I read that remind me that life is not something to be taken for granted.

I have also learned to embrace the child I once was, let her go and forgive those who hurt me.  Those who know me know what I am referring to, and it was a long, hard process–and to those who saw it and felt helpless, don’t worry.  I am fine.  I am a new person and once I was able to throw off the baggage, I was fine. I would not trade one second of my life for anyone else’s because I have learned to embrace things as they are and be happy.  As I said, I have much to be thankful for, and will continue to keep those who are feeling so down in my thoughts because I KNOW without a doubt things will turn around for them.

This Holiday Season, no matter what is going around us, even if all we have is a fried chicken from Wal~Mart, instant potatoes, canned green beans and some type of sweet to eat–we should be thankful that we are there together to enjoy each other for another day–another moment.  Sometimes all people have to give one another is the loving hug each morning and those 3 words called “I love you”–but to receive these one more time is greater than any gift in the universe if you stop and think about it.

Money buys turkey, presents, and a lot of other stuff–but it never guarantees love and happiness.  Perhaps that is what confuses me so.  I never really could understand how people can allow themselves to fall into the trap of defining themselves by what they have instead of their inner gifts that the universe gave them–the ability to make someone laugh even if they are having a rough day, a sense of humor to carry them through the rough times (like we have had in Texas with these wildfires all damned year!),   It is funny that those who have the least are the ones who are always ready to give the most, too.

Now go give someone a hug and tell them you love them–even if it’s your dog or cat!  Then dry your eyes and look around you.  It is never as bad as you think it is.  Tomorrow is always a new day and it will get better…Take care and have a great week!  😉

All I Really Need is NOW…

I have my heroine standing atop a cliff, the salt air filling her senses as she stares up at the moon–downing a bottle of gin.  She cannot escape the damned voices she hears. No amount of alcohol will enable her to break free.  She has no choice but to come to the realization that her life really has a purpose–NOW.  Besides that the one she is sent to help isn’t going to let her get away with this pity party she is on for very long.

And NOW he has the arduous task of convincing her that the voices she is hearing in her head are real and that he is also. Only he has to be careful with when and how he reveals the latter.  She already fears so many things, he knows that she would not know how to handle hearing the voice of a dead being who has a physical body that she can see and touch when some of these others leave her sleepless at night.  At least NOW he can step in somewhat to silence them so she doesn’t become ill.  Her emotions are fragile and he is fully aware that he must be careful at this point.

Psychologists were a regular part of her childhood, given that he didn’t have a clue as to block her from seeing his memories then, she saw what he had done and drew pictures of it.  The psychologists all thought she was blaming her father for not being there for her and made him the villain–rather than her mother–and that is why she drew the violent pictures from the time she was five.  Now it was up to the person who was following her and watching over her to change her perceptions of what was and what now is.

Their relationship began long before she was sent to boarding school.  It began the day she was born.  She could see and hear him even though he could not leave his crypt. But he cared for her  in her dream realm–where sunlight didn’t hurt him.  He taught her about History, Greek Mythology, numbers and languages, but she liked watching the birds.  By the age of 10 she was called a prodigy and her musical skills developed immensely. He thought he had gone mad from being unable to feed–but no…He would find out twenty-three years later that not only was she real, but she thought she imagined him all those years also.  She never remembers a face–only his shoes and she keeps looking at shoes. Another thing that puzzles him is that the closer they become,  the less he is affected by his curse.  However, she seems to become more frail as time progresses and they both get sucked into another realm at various points in this story.

And that’s just for starters…

My life is definitely changing.  I know I’m headed in a new direction as I evolve over time–then again, it’s a constant process, right?  I’m glad that I don’t have to worry over what happened before or what will happen tomorrow.  Just as change enters into my life, so it enters into the lives of my characters.  To say that a person can totally disassociate from their characters doesn’t seem to ring true with me.  I put my sons in a few characters.  I’ll see where the ride takes me.  It is as I said in my title, all I need is NOW.  This moment is what defines my day–not yesterday and certainly not  tomorrow.

The person I once was is dead so I had to have a bit of a “memorial” for her.   I know now that I can survive anything–and have for the most part. It is for that reason, I do not look for my validation from others.   I find that when I am up on my mountain, taking in the air and looking for miles into the horizon to figure out where I should go next.  However, I don’t worry about it.  I know things will fall into place.  What I need comes to me.  Just like with people I know, what they need comes to them–and if I can help them along a bit–I do so gladly.  That is one part of me that never changes…I am always trying to be “there” for those that need me and I have come across many, many good people in the past two and a half years that I am truly grateful for.

However there is one thing that never changes about me.  I stay behind and follow tracks.  I never run ahead.  I just feel safer that way so it is all fine.  I think it is better to finish the course and feel comfortable than to make a race of it and wipe out. I take the time to see, smell, hear and touch…I also try new food once in a while now.

And when I stress, I meditate upon things and get centered.  If still uneasy, I change my latitude and it miraculously changes my attitude into one of total gratitude–especially when by a body of water or a river. I love the sound of water lapping on shore or the sounds of a river, spring or creek flowing!  I also love watching and listening to birds.  Combine that with a good breeze blowing through the trees and I’m in heaven.

Sometimes I play in the rain, too.  You can think I’m crazy if you like, but I will not let the kid in me die. I am of the  opinion that once a person lets the kid inside of himself/herself die, then there is absolutely no joy in life.  With no joy, there is no life and anyone who has a problem with someone who is enjoying their life and constantly tries to change that person has a mental problem.  That is my take on that matter. Anyway, if there is no thunder, that means there is no lightning.  I haven’t been stricken dead yet either so I guess I know what I am doing to some extent.

Nothing beats being outside-even in the rain.  Becoming one with that water and breathing that fresh, clean smell afterward is more invigorating than a lot of things to me.  The rainbows that sometimes show up are the icing on the cake.   I always have a dream about someone with a paint horse inside of a rainbow.  He keeps talking and motioning for me to come his way and then it is  almost as if I am running a race to get there. I get close but he moves just far enough back to keep me curious–and trying to catch up. I wrote about that on another part of the blog here…

Other than that, I’m getting ready to get other stuff.  I really feel that it’s time to put in a jewelry order and a mind is a horrible thing to make up!  Have a great weekend!

You Lead the Way…

Please don’t be sad. You have much left ahead of you.  You give of your knowledge freely.  Why are you sad and depressed?  If your attitude is not what you’d like it to be where you are, change your latitude.  Yes you heard me.  Go elsewhere.  You must follow your spirit. If it bids you to leave you must leave–even if I want you to stay.  I would never confine you like that because to chain you would be to destroy you.

What? Come with you?  But I thought I stood in your way…You mean, you’ve actually thought this through?  It’s scary for me.  You are the vagabond.  You are the traveler. I’ve never done this before.  Are you certain that this is what you want?  I don’t understand.  What do you mean that I am the one who has been chained all this time?   I see.  We work as one.  We should move about as one unit.  Okay. You win.  I don’t know why I thought you were pulling away from me, when actually you were pulling me closer.

I guess we both must go where our spirits direct–together…However, you lead the way because I feel safer following in the tracks.

 

I Really Believe that Black Elk’s Wisdom is Needed Now

The True Peace

The first peace, which is the most important,
is that which comes within the souls of people
when they realize their relationship,
their oneness, with the universe and all its powers,
and when they realize that at the center
of the universe dwells Wakan-Taka (the Great Spirit),
and that this center is really everywhere, it is within each of us.
This is the real peace, and the others are but reflections of this.
The second peace is that which is made between two individuals,
and the third is that which is made between two nations.
But above all you should understand that there can never
be peace between nations until there is known that true peace,
which, as I have often said, is within the souls of men.

Black Elk, Oglala Sioux & Spiritual Leader (1863 – 1950)

This is probably one of the wisest men who ever lived.  I think it is time that people learned from the wisdom that he left behind. If they would, the world wouldn’t be destroying itself from within.  The origin of all the problems of this world lies within the heart of  each individual.  We must always look to “fix” ourselves before trying to right the rest of the world. Once done, there will be no need or desire to encroach into another’s realm.  Trying to “convert” the world will never work because the spirit of man will always be free and will never submit to the oppression of others–even if they have to talk to their creator in secret.  No individual or group will ever dominate the spirit of man because only the creator can decide the destiny of any individual.

Black Elk knew where freedom lies.  It lies within each of us.  I just thought I would share that.  The freedom to “be” can never be taken from anyone.  When we get into that quiet place to where we can each hear that small, still voice inside of ourselves and take direction from it, then will we be able to find what it is we need to do with our time–what is left of it.  Time is too short to squander, and very precious.  We must make the most of our existence while we are here.  Only what we impart to others determines the impact we have on the lives of those us.  That is why it is so important to work  on ourselves FIRST.

Happy Mother’s Day, everyone!