The Club Nobody Wants To Be In (Part 2)–They are Still Fathers…

This is a link to an older article which does a “Where Are they Now?” type of thing on David Smith–Susan Smith’s ex…

http://www.hlntv.com/slideshow/2013/10/09/david-smith-susan-smith-killed-sons-where-are-they-now

Having lost a child, this is a common thing to happen–where he talks about having more good days than bad,  but still having those days that bring a person to the knees…I still have them, but my son’s twin wasn’t murdered…The baby died early in the pregnancy and they insisted at the doctor’s office that I was no longer pregnant…When I went back  later with the ever-present morning, noon and night sickness that went on for weeks after losing the baby, they discovered there was another baby in the other sac.

I simply do not understand why society expects men to be what I can only describe as “unattached” to their own grief.  This is something we as a society need to move away from. Those who push this mentality need to be strongly addressed.  Men are every bit as emotional as women are, and they may not always show it in the way society has demanded, but society and it’s expectations should not rule how an individual would handle this issue–ever…Quite frankly, I am surprised at how many experts on grief, as a general rule, think that they are qualified to address the issue of  how to handle losing a child. This is especially true of those who never experienced such a loss.

Losing a child in any way is hell, but losing two in the way that Smith’s were lost would break even the strongest of men. However this man, despite those bad days, still drives on.  For that I admire him.  Nobody likes this little club that anyone who has lost a child is in, but I would like to see society lay off of the men…They can hurt like everyone else. Let them grieve because they also lost a child or (as in this case) more…

And for those who lost a child like I did, the men are still fathers just as assuredly as women who lost a child are still mothers.  People need to understand this, so please think before commenting and be just as considerate of the fathers as you should be of the mothers. That lost child (or those lost children) will remain a part of them forever.

 

Elliot Rodger…All That’s Left is “Why”?

This is another one of my short rants. We’ve got a director blaming the NRA for the deaths of innocent people. Evidently he doesn’t know squat. Elliot Rodger was mentally ill. He needed help. His parents tried to get him that help. Had the Santa Monica Police Department seen the warning signs of trouble in his videos, MAYBE they could have gotten him committed to a psychiatric facility for at least 45 days. Had they done that, 8 people might be alive today. THAT is the bottom line of it. In my opinion, mental illness doesn’t excuse an action or make it right, but it does help explain the “why” of it to a degree.

Now I want to know what also figures into this “why”? Was this guy bullied all his life or something? THAT is the vibe I got off of watching some of the videos. He doesn’t really come out and say it, though. The reason I say this is that a lot of shooters seemed to have experienced school bullying. THIS is one thing I personally would like for the public to know. Hopefully one day all the families, including Rodger’s, will have the answer to that “Why?”

However the political “blame game” is not going to cut it this time. People need to quit using others’ tragedy to earn brownie points or to get people to take a look at their work and that is what the director that made the NRA comment is doing. That’s right. I’m calling him out.  He’s using a colleague’s tragedy to make a name for himself. They don’t need to use it to further politics either. People are sick of that tactic already, and before anyone starts complaining and moaning, I don’t own a gun myself. I never have. I probably never will because I don’t need one. However, I do support the right of law-abiding citizens to own one.

 

When There is No Justice, There Are Tears Without End

Today I am charged with writing something about my best friend.  This is the hardest post I ever had to write. Why? Because she is dead. She has been dead for years, but in high school she was my best friend. She knew everything about me and never shared it with anyone.  To this day I  still wonder why her killers got off with only a 7 year sentence when it was clearly premeditated murder. Had I been able to attend the trial,  I would have raised hell to the media about how HER character was put on trial rather than the actions of the bitch that pumped the bullets into her body.  She was lured out to a desolate road, shot and left for dead. The last conversation I had with her, we talked about my boys and such. Then she said she had to go to meet someone. That was the last time we ever spoke.

So what ended up happening? To make a long story short, they didn’t find the deposit. I guess they were high on drugs or something because they tore the rest of the car apart looking for it from what I am told. So what is there to say? My memories were of good, clean juvenile fun we had and a few in-depth discussions. Ironically I never met her father until well after she died.  She and I would talk for hours on the phone just BS’ing.  He remembered that. I remember the pain in his eyes. I remember seeing his tears fall as he relayed to me his thoughts about losing his only daughter.  Losing a child is a pain I can relate to, only I lost mine due to troubled pregnancies.

And as my eyes are now welling up, I can say no more–except this and that hope she is at peace, even though she got NO justice. Here is part of a song I wrote for her…Her name is Leslie.

“Childhood Friend”

“..Childhood Friend…Why have you gone out to play in all the rain, again?

Leaving me alone, your memory to defend to the end.

God it hurts so bad but I miss my childhood friend…”

I cannot write anymore.  I still miss her after all these years. I guess you can tell just from what I wrote above where the 2nd line came from…But she is dead and cannot defend herself. The person I knew is not the one the defense lawyer for these murderers tried to portray. That I do know and will go to my grave knowing it. I can tell you this…Not once did she ever try to offer me drugs of any kind–which is what the defense for these ass clowns tried to say she was doing in her free time to make THEM look a little better, I guess.  Given my childhood, which most who know me personally are aware of–if she were offering anyone drugs I would have been a prime candidate for self-medication back then just to escape the bull crap that went on in my life.

RIP Leslie…I still miss you, kid…

I also have an aunt who was murdered…They never found who did that either…Either way, Leslie got no justice and my aunt’s killers are out there and it sucks.

I Simply Cannot Buy Rolling Stone Magazine…

Since this came out, I have not been able to even bring myself to buy that magazine.

Once upon a time, there was a wonderful magazine that gave us articles about music and the music world–along with artists that were engaging in worthwhile pursuits at times. Then one day, someone decided to throw the very things that those of us who came to that magazine wanted to get away from, which includes depressing news and politics, in our faces.  However a person in charge of this magazine decided it would be appropriate to put a young man’s face on the cover who was the epitome of everything that is wrong in this country.  

“But what could possibly be wrong in this country?” some would think aloud.

“Complacency.” was the word that came to mind of others.

As a society, we have become far to complacent when it comes to what the media wants to subject us as an audience to.  If it were NEWS that would be one thing.  However in recent years, the media likes to bombard us with editorials. It gets really old. If I want someone’s opinion of what is going on in the world, I’ll simply ask them.  HOWEVER, when I want to know what is going on in this world, I only want the facts–and not their opinions of how they think these things should be or should not be.  Evidently the media no longer believes that we can make up our own minds on any issue,  so they try to tell us “how to think”…

We have also become far too complacent as a nation as to our own security.  Why do  I say that? Simple. Look around.  We’ve got teenagers going around targeting elderly people–especially if not of their own race, and yet no one DARES call that a hate crime IF the victim is white. IF the person who does it is white and the victim is black,  you can bet there will be serious jail time involved. This seriously leads me to question what truly is a hate crime if one group of  people who attack ANYONE due to race is not prosecuted while one person manages to get the collar… It is time to change that, people.  One form of racism does not justify another and if hate crime laws are not going to be equally prosecuted, they shouldn’t even be on the books. Justice is supposed to be blind–not subject to the whim of the US Attorney General or his boss. If one is really concerned about these young people getting hurt and killed for pulling such antics, then maybe the parents should step up to the plate and start monitoring who their kids are hanging out with again. Now back to my original topic…

Maybe IF this guy’s parents had done THAT much and kept their sons away from other radicals, they might not have ended up killing 4 people and wounding/maiming plenty of others. However, the mother isn’t too concerned about it given the clip below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqiinOlrc3o

Did you notice where he told her, “Don’t say anything.”  Why would he say that? That statement is out-of-place unless one is hiding something…Nice try. Russia even knew about her fanaticism. I think we know where these two men went wrong and it lies within their own mother. Sorry. She raised them to be as they are/were. She is more upset that they actually got caught in their own game, and if they had not done it, they wouldn’t have hijacked that Chinese boy’s car afterward to get away.  He will get the best defense on American soil money can buy. What I want to know is, who will hear the victims’ cries for justice as the blood calls out from their graves?

And this magazine seems to want to paint an empathetic picture of what is wrong with this guy, or am I mistaken? Sorry…I don’t buy into it and will no longer read Rolling Stone.

Samantha’s Diary… ***Some DS Fan Fiction I’m playing with***

As a little girl, I remained in a Boston private school for girls, thanks to the generosity of Roger Collins and Elizabeth Stoddard.  They have been like surrogate parents to me in my absence from Collinsport for years. Roger always said that I wasn’t facing reality by avoiding going “home”.  But which place was or is home? Is it the house where my mother, Claudette tortured me for the first seven years of my existence, or Collinwood, which was my shelter from many of her storms?

Then there was that place in the mausoleum.  Willie doesn’t even know of it, I think.  I would sneak into there and dream I had a guardian angel watching over me there.  At least I knew my mother would never set foot in the cemetery.  I remember dreaming about that faceless dark angel with a calming voice.  He’d carry me through the woods, teaching me about the birds and trees and such and the sun always shone there. In short, this entity was the phantom father I created in my mind, I suppose.  At least the shrink says as much to me.   I’ve written many songs about filling that gaping hole in my memories as well as my chest.

I somehow learned to write with penmanship from a time gone by. I won awards for it and I still prefer my quill to a fountain pen. I mastered math in my head long before I had access to a calculator.  A large part of me wants to return, and another side of me totally dreads this.  I keep having dreams of a duel, people dying, voices calling my name, and for what purpose? The worst ones are of me drowning in another time and place when I was still quite young, a long dress weighing me down as if it were a ship’s anchor, and something cracking my skull and knocking me out after struggling to come back to the surface.  I always manage to wake up shaking and sweating after those. I fear water so much! Why me? Did my mother damage me so much that I cannot tell what is reality from fantasy any longer?  I’m wondering if the dreams are symbolic.  Whatever. It doesn’t matter at this point.

I know it is time to return to Collinsport.  Elizabeth and Maggie have begged me for months.  I suppose it is time to revisit the grave of the child I once was, and can never be again.  Sometimes an infected wound must be thoroughly drained and cleaned before it can heal.  Hopefully it will not leave a scar that is too noticeable.  At least it is what the one familiar male voice says to me in those damned dreams I have every night as of late.

Only now the dreams are getting stronger, and the voices more clear.  No matter how many psych meds the doctors put me on or how many gigs I do just so I can pass out and sleep after the ambien, they are there…They are waiting for me…It’s only the voice of that dark angel that doesn’t torment me.  All he says to me lately is, “Perhaps you should reconsider this endless journey you are on and come visit your family.  You are every bit a Collins now even if not by blood.” he says.   Funny how Roger and Elizabeth keep reminding me that they do  consider me thus.  There I go–talking like he does.  Dammit I am truly done for the night–until those dreams start-up again…

—S.R.T.  April 3, 1990

Is There Any Way to Phase a Terrorist?

I am seriously so tired of all this experimenting our government does with these terrorists to get them to talk. I have the perfect solution to deal with terrorists both foreign and domestic–especially for those who come here from other countries to claim citizenship under false pretenses.  It will sound strange but it would work because they would receive no word…No news…Nothing of this country or their home country.  It would amount to solitary confinement on a prison ship at sea with NO visitors allowed aside from their cleric or the lawyers.

Regardless of their country of origin, they should receive no news from it. The logic being that if they renounced their own country and took an allegiance to this one and then betrayed it, they deserve no news  from either place.  Give them religious accommodation with a cleric from whatever religion they claim to be in–but do not let that cleric discuss news with them.

I think this would be a greater punishment than death or life in an American prison. Their actions would have real consequences. They would have no cause to support if they were stripped their countries, would they? I mean to the point to where there is NO television or radio either…

Their families would be notified of their well-being via a letter from them every week, but the offenders of this nature would only receive letters with notices of births, deaths and news of a personal nature–not anything that involves politics and such.  They would only be allowed on radio phone call with relatives after the death of an immediate family member, with clear instructions that if the family member tries to relay any news of either country, the call would abruptly be ended.

Does that sound too extreme?  Well…I wonder if they would be so eager to try to push their ideals and fear onto this country if they knew this would be the fate that awaited them…

I should give credit to the late Edward Everett Hale for this idea.  I really think as sad as the story “The Man Without a Country” is, it is far less tragic than the events we have seen unfold in this country in the past 13 years.  I think the concept of isolation and no news is worth some serious thought.  For whatever their cause is, it wouldn’t serve them well to receive this sentence.

At least I can honestly say it is an approach that has not been used before.  As long as they are fed, clothed and allowed their choice of whatever religion they want, a shower, and medical care  then they would be a lot better off than a lot of the American people are now. What do you think?

Well, that is my take on the subject and if it offends anyone, oh well…I’m used to that. If anyone has any other ideas that might ACTUALLY work, feel free to share them because after 13 years of crap, I’m open to something that might actually work as a solution.

Gee…Ya Think?

Disclaimer: The following post is meant to be a sarcastic rant and nothing more. It is not to be taken seriously. If  you really believe that I mean this stuff in a serious context, please seek counseling on the big, brown ugly ass couch and you will feel better since  I will not respond to any post that tries to make this more than the piece of political dark-witted tripe that it is!  Of course watching certain political figures using certain tragedies and the victims of them for their own gain sickens me as much as anything else.  Both parties do it. That is my opinion…

In light of the latest attack on 15 people at the Lone Star College in Cypress, TX some fringe groups are beginning to lobby congress to pass requirements that box cutters, utility knives, sharp gardening tools, hatchets, machetes,   and such materials would  be sold only to those who are contractors in the State of Texas or those who are utilizing these tools must be in possession of a sales tax certificate that will enable them to sell arts and crafts that they produce.  Anyone else who wants these must take a 3 hour training course requiring safety rules be taught on where these can be kept and such.  There will also be a number on the limit of blades and such that anyone can buy for a refill.

Alright…I’ve already established that this is nothing more than dark witted tripe.  So now you are probably thinking, “What the hell is she going on about?”  It is simple. I will spell it out for you.  Whether it is a gun with a limited number of bullets, or a box cutter, they can both become “mechanisms for confrontation”. There is one thing people might want to consider in the gun debate though. With a limited number of bullets, it will take time to re-load, which will give people time to escape or take down the attacker.

On the other hand, a box cutter, utility knife, or other sharp items–like machetes,   can be used repetitively, relatively silently, and swiftly before anyone can take any action because those doing it can hide in a crowd if they get away, and the people who commit crimes using guns or this type of weapon are the exceptions and not the rule. More laws and such will not stop these killings.  The events at Lone Star College only serve to prove the point.

There are other points to ponder here.  Shouldn’t those who are known to be deranged enough to commit such an act have access to anything like this?  I am willing to bet that most will answer “no”, but the only way to stop this is to stop closing down mental health facilities and stop having more staff at the mental hospitals than beds available for the patients. People who are this far gone should not be running around loose and untreated in a free society. 

To continue to allow this will only endanger more people. And for those who have no record of mental illness who commit such depraved acts the answer is simple. When they kill, rape, and or cause grievous bodily harm, lock them up.  NO light sentences for violent crimes and such.  That will stop a lot those who can obviously tell right from wrong from going to the “largest hotel chain in the U.S.”–which is the correctional facility.

To think that outlawing or severely limiting ownership of any mechanism of confrontation, whether it be a gun, machete or whatever is going to stop crimes or reduce the numbers dying each year is, at best, erroneous thought.  Again, the people who commit these acts are the exception and not the rule and since they are the ones doing most of the violent acts, they will find other ways to carry out destruction regardless of what is taken away from society.

 

Sarah Was Alone…

I have been lying here on the cold ground around here for a very long time.  I don’t remember why I was put here, but I remember I was being hit again and again all because I wanted a glass of milk.  Why would anyone leave me out here? I am only seven. I don’t understand them.  I thought Mommy and Daddy wanted me and loved me–Oh wait! Daddy is gone.  He wasn’t there. It was someone else who was there with my mom. Mommy said my daddy was not coming back and if he did, she’d leave with us again.

I don’t remember much after being hit on the head the third time. I think I was crying and went to sleep.  I had to pee but couldn’t move and I was having this weird dream.  I was looking down at myself but I wasn’t hurting anymore.  I was so afraid that I was going to be hit again but nothing happened.  Not for a while.  I felt like I was flying and saw a light, but I couldn’t leave my baby sister there. It didn’t feel right so I stayed.

Then I saw Mitch, my moms boyfriend come in. He started yelling things I couldn’t understand and had Mom take my baby sister out of the room…I watched him shake me but I didn’t feel anything. He was saying some bad words too, but he did say he was sorry and started crying.  I’m not mad at him. I just don’t understand why he sent me here. I don’t understand why Mom let him hurt me all the time either.  I know she got mad because I wouldn’t say he was my daddy at school so she hit me too sometimes over it.  I still don’t understand where my real daddy was and why he didn’t come.

Mitch turned on the big light and I saw blood on my head and nose.  My eyes were open but I couldn’t blink and my lips were a weird bluish color.  I think I threw up at some point too before I was in this place watching everything. Mitch put me in a blanket and a bag and put me in the truck while Mom kept crying.

I am glad you’re close to me now because talking helps me not to feel so lonely out here.  It’s like you can’t see me yet but I can see you.  You come out here a lot, picking flowers. I think we might be in the same grade. I want to play but I know you can’t seem to hear me so I’ll just keep talking and hope someone finds me soon.

It’s neat to watch you play, Little Girl.  I like watching people do things I couldn’t do anymore around here but there is a neat thing about this. I don’t feel stickers in my feet or bugs crawling on me.  I’m in a place where you can’t see me well but I can see you.

I’ve seen it rain and such out here a lot too.  The trees are pretty when that happens and the birds come out. I’ve seen it snow a lot out here too.  I think I’ve seen 10 springs and 10 big snows!  It’s all so pretty and I don’t have to be afraid here.  You have blond hair like me! And you like dolls too! That’s neat!  I do miss Mom but not Mitch. I wonder where they are. Why don’t they come back for me?  I’m in a blanket not far from where you are.  Maybe your mom and dad will come find me and get me out of here soon.

Here come’s someone! It’s a man!  Is that your dad? Man he’s tall.  Wait, he’s getting closer to me.  Can you see me?  I’m right here? Please don’t leave me again! I’m so tired of being alo–wait! He’s sending you away and looking down. He’s saying “Oh my god!” or something like that and pulling out a little black thing he’s talking into. Now he’s crying. Why? Oh wait…He saw my teddy bear. It’s really dirty.  I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make anyone cry! Honest–I–wait…

I can hear a bit now…Not much…

“Look Sheriff, you need to come. I found–”

Oh can’t make out the rest but he’s still here, crying and looking down where Mitch put me. Now there is a lady but he yelled, “Get them out of here! I’ll explain when the sheriff gets here!” and she left with you and a younger kid really quickly. He kept looking at my teddy bear, but he didn’t touch it. He just stood there crying. Why? I’m not hurting.

Oh please don’t cry! I’m really not hurting now! I’m just glad to not be alone…That’s the worst thing–alone at night even though I don’t feel hurt and such.

He’s been here crying for a long time and praying too.  My grandma prayed a lot!  Now there are other people here.  They have brushes and such and tweezers, shovels…All kinds of stuff and a yellow tape. Why can’t they just get me out of here?  Wait.  Maybe they are trying.  The older guy is shaking his head.

“Who would dump their kid out here like that?” I heard him say.

“Mom and Mitch would.” was my response but he didn’t hear me.  None of them hear me.  Wait! This one older guy said my name–another guy with a badge.

“From what the grandmother told me years ago, it could be Sarah Hawthorne.” he said.

“That is my name! He knows my name! I”m so glad! Someone sees me and knows my name!”

Wait! There’s that light again and it looks like it’s gonna rain, too.  Hey! I see Grandma and two other people with her!  One’s in an army uniform! He says he’s my daddy!  The other one is an older guy. I think I’ll go with them now!  I’m just glad someone found me so I’m okay!  Thanks for hearing me! I am so happy now!  Bye! I’m not alone anymore! You’ll be alright now so don’t cry, okay?!

 

Why Must this Nation Be Divided So?

Freedom…Does anyone truly understand what the word really means any longer?  I remember a day when people could speak their minds without being labeled and hated by their neighbors. They simply agreed to disagree and left it alone.  We now live in an age that seems to give rise to a sentiment that change of heart can be brought about by bullying in courts or in the educational field.  If there is one thing people need to realize is that all the legislation one puts on paper will not change the hearts of the oppressed.

When a group is oppressed by another group to the point to where speaking can lead to being severely penalized–whether speaking about beliefs or political philosophy, that is tyranny.  There is no freedom in granting rights for one group without extending the same rights to another group and this is especially true when it comes to freedom of speech and expression.

To prosecute one individual for a hate crime without prosecuting others equally under the statute is no better than the discrimination suffered by minorities in the 50’s and 60’s.  IT is still discrimination because such laws are only applied subjectively and enforced as such.

It is a sad day in our country when someone murders a Native American and no hate crime is prosecuted.  It is almost always downplayed in the legal system.  It is also a sad day in this country when a woman can be killed simply for being a woman, or a girl killed simply for being “too American” and yet no one sees these as the hate crimes they truly are.   If we are going to prosecute “hate crimes” in this country it needs to be made clear that if the motive for the murder has anything to do with race, gender, ethnicity, political affiliation, etc… then it should be equally prosecuted and punished under those same hate crime laws, otherwise the laws are worthless and will result (eventually) in chaos.  There have been murders of women of different ethnic backgrounds based on pure misogyny and yet EVEN when the perpetrator admits that was the motive, it is STILL downplayed in court.

Our country should not be basing legal decisions based on the cultures of other countries. That is not done when a citizen of this country is incarcerated or killed in other countries.  We are expected to know the laws and such and even in this country, ignorance of laws is not an excuse for breaking them so how is cultural background now being considered in such matters? It is ludicrous.

WE the people have one rule of law and that is based upon the Constitution of the United States and  courts should ONLY be operating under those laws–not those of another nation or entity.  We also have only ONE financial system and that is the ONLY one that should be allowed. To allow these practices to gain a foothold will result in this country being devoured from within. Remember the Texas Revolution? Remember the American Revolution? If not, I suggest that anyone unaware of what led to those should actually research what led to them.

Even with all of this there is new group of haters emerging in America and that hate based on the following things: Geographic location, which is regional bias and political haters on both left and right who are trying to force their agendas in such a way that if either side gains too much power, we could be living under a new type of apartheid system–if not a totalitarian regime in a few short decades. But no one seems to give a damn.  People are willing to conform to anyone that says what they want to hear. They will believe any false promise made, as long as they can believe it is not THEIR rights that will on the chopping block. They will feel secure as long as they are being spoon fed the load of crap that is keeping them from actually seeing that they are being used as well.

One can rest assured of one thing. Once they get what they want, they (those controlling the agenda) will go after supporters they didn’t desire to be in their little “clique” to begin with. This includes the artists, the dreamers, and those who towed the line until that line penalized them.  It all goes back to this:  Those who gain too much power are the enemies to America. There has to be a check and balance in this country to prevent that from happening–and that is slowly being eroded right before our eyes.

They are being eroded by those who, when they run out of opponents to “eat for lunch”, it is their own colleagues they will  harass, and when they either stop resisting or are silenced, they will then start on their own young. Such is the nature of this beast that is rising among Americans.  We must learn to work together. That beast is feeding off of, and encouraging the division.  It is time for citizens to sit down together and straighten this mess out.  The “divide and conquer” strategy is an old one and those who seek to divide us are doing so to keep us from working together.

WE cannot have “all or nothing”. That is not reality and people on both sides of the political fence need to sit down together and work on a new 3rd party manifesto in their own communities to address this issue and then fix this mess.  It may be what saves this nation because those in power now sure as hell won’t get the job done–that is, not without destroying those of us who know what it means to be  free and accept others as they are while allowing those who hate other Americans for various reasons to continue to unleash not only their verbal vitriol, but their violence toward each other as well in order to push their agendas upon each other…This is not the way to bring about change. It is a way to destroy our nation.

The only danger to free thinking Americans is the status-quo. This must change and our elected officials are failing the people–both parties.  They toss a crumb while they sit at the table of America like gluttons and devour the working people‘s earnings in their feasts and then try to justify this by saying it is to pay “the deficit” yet they exempt themselves from the very laws they pass upon us.  Is this the type of entity we want our children and grandchildren to be subject to? I don’t think so.

My ancestors learned long ago to never put any trust in the government. They break every treaty and they find a way to get around what they subject the rest of us to.  The sad thing is, the American forefathers and my ancestors would be very saddened to see what this nation has become today. Maybe we should take a lesson from Iceland.  Here is how they fixed their economy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cATdjN-2W34

I think they should apply this here–to homeowners and to those who got duped in the student loan schemes, which has almost resulted in a new form of  “servitude”.

I Once Again Felt a Chill Down My Spine Today…

This is not going to be a long post, but most of you know the story of my stepmother Judy.  Granted the poor woman was mentally ill, but I didn’t understand that during the time I went through hell with her waiving a gun at my head, throwing me up into the walls and such from the time I was 11 and a few other things that went on which I do not care to discuss.

However today, I saw a story that sent chills down my spine because I realize I could have been among this number.   I realize how fortunate I am that I was not.  For three years I lived in a prison from which there was no escape for a little over three years and those three years shaped my destiny.  How I kept my sanity is beyond me.  I don’t consider myself broken, damaged and such–but there are times I wake up in a cold sweat even 33 years after the fact.

Oddly enough Judy, my stepmother,  died on 9/12/1978.  I am always down on 9/11 for obvious reasons, but this anniversary is one I don’t know whether to feel grief, relief or both depending on the memories that come back.  I wish she could have gotten help for her illness and there are some things I wish had been handled a lot differently.  However, it was not meant to be.  For some reason, I am alive and many others were not so lucky.  Many nights that .22 was waived at my head and I was threatened but I always put myself mentally elsewhere.  Other children did not make it out of their hells and their cells as I did mine.

I saw a story tonight that made me cry.  The violence of it and the horrible things that this  little girl had to see and hear make  my stepmother’s abusive behavior seem like a trip to Disneyland.   I realized tonight that I didn’t endure crap half as bad as this famous little girl did.  Back in the days when this happened,  there was not much Child Protective Services could do if the children wouldn’t talk.  It was true at the time of my stepmother’s death and it was true at the time of the death of a little girl named Judith Eva Barsi (June 1978-July 1988).

Judith (Judy–as some called her) was an actress on her way to stardom.  Despite the hell she endured at home, she always looked happy and cheerful…I call that the greatest mask because I too was able to wear it.  At times I could go to school beaming as if everything was as fine as it would be in a Brady Bunch or Ozzie and Harriet household.   However some of my teachers saw right through it.  Did anyone besides the psychologist and immediate family see through Judy Barsi’s?

Why did CPS just speak to the mother and not interview the child alone?  If they did would it have mattered?  Most likely not.  I find it ironic that a movie was not made about this because the headlines were almost too many to count from what I am reading tonight. On top of that, after 45 days or so, the judge tended to put the kids right back into the hell they were taken out of for the sake of “keeping the family together”.  To me that is a load of pure crap in extreme cases.  First time, take their rights and place the kid(s) elsewhere.  That is what I feel should be done  and ONLY in EXTREME cases–and to me this was pretty extreme.

If you don’t believe me look at the case of the Jahnke kids.  Remember?  The ones that shot their dad who was VERY abusive to them?  I remember it, too.  They should have been fully pardoned when it came out what they endured at this hands.  Sorry if you don’t agree but these were kids–like me but they were a bit older when their incident took place.  They did make movies about this incident, but I am not going to go into it here…They are out of prison and living quiet lives and I wish them peace and a full life.

Ironically, I could have fallen into either category–Judith Barsi’s or that of the Jahnke kids.  I don’t know what stopped me to this day from pulling the trigger on my stepmother the night I had the opportunity to, but something did.  On the other hand, I don’t know what the hell kept her from blowing my brains out.  Does that make me sick or abnormal?  I don’t think so.  There is a big difference in fantasizing about killing the bully and actually carrying out the thought.  I could never do it. Even now I know I could NOT do it.  That is the difference between yesterday’s kid and today’s kid I guess.  We had Columbine for a wake up call, right?   Now if someone tries to harm one of my sons, that is a whole new ball game.

Aside from that there is something that people need to remember.   Kids basically had very few rights then, but someone has to be their voice.  Someone has to step in and take action when nobody else can or will.  My hat goes off to every social worker who has ever had to risk his or her life to remove a child from a parent like Jozsef Barsi or from a parent like my stepmother.  I salute every policeman/woman , firefighter and teacher who has ever stepped in to help in such a situation–and many HAVE done so. Many a teacher helped me as best as they could during my time of hell.  Day after day, these brave people go in to face the unknown, and just like those less fortunate children that they are trying to protect, they might not make it home again.

As 9/12 approaches for me, I am grateful for all of these heroes–as well as the ones who will be remembered the day prior.  We should never, ever take life for granted.  We are all here for a reason and now I know this.  Someday, maybe I’ll finish the book on it, but there are days that I simply cannot write in it.  I still cry.  I still struggle with whether or not to take that pen that I have created so many imaginary heroes and heroines with in their worlds and paint the reality of my world  for all to see.  Besides that, “Precious” was already out there to try to wake people up as well…I wonder if I am the only writer that goes through this type of stuff.  I know to this day, I cannot watch “Precious”.  Sorry but it is  painful for me for other reasons.  My niece warned me about it so I can’t watch it.  If they make one about this case, I will not be able to watch it either.

Anyway, I feel that Judith Barsi is the long-lost poster child for the reality of what child abuse is.  Her own father killed her and then killed her mother as well.  Some say the song “Concrete Angel” by Martina McBride may have been written about her.  I choose to honor her life here. I chose the video below because it uses a song that brings hope and not tears.  She should be remembered with a smile for the sunshine she brought to so many.  Her life was cut short way too soon, and I do not feel that she should ever be forgotten.  If you know of a child going through hell, please, by all means pick up the bloody phone. You may be saving a life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-q947Iyy3c&feature=related