It Is A Wonderful Life

It was still warm outside and humid, so she sat in the car for a bit with the air conditioner running. She looked down to check her cell phone and dozed off. That 17 hour shift really made her feel all of her 50 years and then some.  She closed her eyes. All was tranquil. Peaceful…She remembered looking up at the stars for a bit before checking the phone.

She isn’t sure how long she slept but suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder and heard her son cry out, “Mom!”

She looked up and said, “What?!”

“Mom, you scared the shit out of me! I thought you were dead! I mean it! I’ve talked to you for five minutes and you didn’t hear a thing and I saw my world crashing down!” he said.

“Sorry…Just had a long day–”

“I know Mom, but that really scared the living shit out of me! You need to get to bed.” he said, as he ran his hand through his long, black hair.  She saw the concern in her son’s eyes. They had started to well up. Then he calmed down.

She didn’t argue…She merely got out of the car, crawled into her bed and cratered once again.

It was then that she began to think…In an instant the lives of those around her could have changed forever.  She is sure that is what he was thinking as well.  However it doesn’t change the fact that working long hours are a part of her life. It doesn’t change the fact that she loves and cares for everyone around her.  However, at this moment, she does wonder how her absence would affect their lives, but since she saw her son’s first reaction, she had come up with  an  interesting thought.

The only film that addresses how the absence of one from the lives of loved ones affected family members  was only addressed effectively by the movie called “It’s a Wonderful Life“.

Well, it may not be Christmas. The woman may have her troubles at the moment.  However it is a wonderful life.  Things will get better–health-wise and in other areas.

Her hope is that it gets better for some of her friends who are having some issues of their own as well. She looked out over the Brazos River last week and said to the 4 winds, “Be with them and guide their way.”  She left it at that for the moment. And now she is going to rest her tired eyes once again.

Have a good evening.

Brazos River, TX

Brazos River, TX

Sarah Was Alone…

I have been lying here on the cold ground around here for a very long time.  I don’t remember why I was put here, but I remember I was being hit again and again all because I wanted a glass of milk.  Why would anyone leave me out here? I am only seven. I don’t understand them.  I thought Mommy and Daddy wanted me and loved me–Oh wait! Daddy is gone.  He wasn’t there. It was someone else who was there with my mom. Mommy said my daddy was not coming back and if he did, she’d leave with us again.

I don’t remember much after being hit on the head the third time. I think I was crying and went to sleep.  I had to pee but couldn’t move and I was having this weird dream.  I was looking down at myself but I wasn’t hurting anymore.  I was so afraid that I was going to be hit again but nothing happened.  Not for a while.  I felt like I was flying and saw a light, but I couldn’t leave my baby sister there. It didn’t feel right so I stayed.

Then I saw Mitch, my moms boyfriend come in. He started yelling things I couldn’t understand and had Mom take my baby sister out of the room…I watched him shake me but I didn’t feel anything. He was saying some bad words too, but he did say he was sorry and started crying.  I’m not mad at him. I just don’t understand why he sent me here. I don’t understand why Mom let him hurt me all the time either.  I know she got mad because I wouldn’t say he was my daddy at school so she hit me too sometimes over it.  I still don’t understand where my real daddy was and why he didn’t come.

Mitch turned on the big light and I saw blood on my head and nose.  My eyes were open but I couldn’t blink and my lips were a weird bluish color.  I think I threw up at some point too before I was in this place watching everything. Mitch put me in a blanket and a bag and put me in the truck while Mom kept crying.

I am glad you’re close to me now because talking helps me not to feel so lonely out here.  It’s like you can’t see me yet but I can see you.  You come out here a lot, picking flowers. I think we might be in the same grade. I want to play but I know you can’t seem to hear me so I’ll just keep talking and hope someone finds me soon.

It’s neat to watch you play, Little Girl.  I like watching people do things I couldn’t do anymore around here but there is a neat thing about this. I don’t feel stickers in my feet or bugs crawling on me.  I’m in a place where you can’t see me well but I can see you.

I’ve seen it rain and such out here a lot too.  The trees are pretty when that happens and the birds come out. I’ve seen it snow a lot out here too.  I think I’ve seen 10 springs and 10 big snows!  It’s all so pretty and I don’t have to be afraid here.  You have blond hair like me! And you like dolls too! That’s neat!  I do miss Mom but not Mitch. I wonder where they are. Why don’t they come back for me?  I’m in a blanket not far from where you are.  Maybe your mom and dad will come find me and get me out of here soon.

Here come’s someone! It’s a man!  Is that your dad? Man he’s tall.  Wait, he’s getting closer to me.  Can you see me?  I’m right here? Please don’t leave me again! I’m so tired of being alo–wait! He’s sending you away and looking down. He’s saying “Oh my god!” or something like that and pulling out a little black thing he’s talking into. Now he’s crying. Why? Oh wait…He saw my teddy bear. It’s really dirty.  I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make anyone cry! Honest–I–wait…

I can hear a bit now…Not much…

“Look Sheriff, you need to come. I found–”

Oh can’t make out the rest but he’s still here, crying and looking down where Mitch put me. Now there is a lady but he yelled, “Get them out of here! I’ll explain when the sheriff gets here!” and she left with you and a younger kid really quickly. He kept looking at my teddy bear, but he didn’t touch it. He just stood there crying. Why? I’m not hurting.

shallow grave teddy bear

Oh please don’t cry! I’m really not hurting now! I’m just glad to not be alone…That’s the worst thing–alone at night even though I don’t feel hurt and such.

He’s been here crying for a long time and praying too.  My grandma prayed a lot!  Now there are other people here.  They have brushes and such and tweezers, shovels…All kinds of stuff and a yellow tape. Why can’t they just get me out of here?  Wait.  Maybe they are trying.  The older guy is shaking his head.

“Who would dump their kid out here like that?” I heard him say.

“Mom and Mitch would.” was my response but he didn’t hear me.  None of them hear me.  Wait! This one older guy said my name–another guy with a badge.

“From what the grandmother told me years ago, it could be Sarah Hawthorne.” he said.

“That is my name! He knows my name! I”m so glad! Someone sees me and knows my name!”

Wait! There’s that light again and it looks like it’s gonna rain, too.  Hey! I see Grandma and two other people with her!  One’s in an army uniform! He says he’s my daddy!  The other one is an older guy. I think I’ll go with them now!  I’m just glad someone found me so I’m okay!  Thanks for hearing me! I am so happy now!  Bye! I’m not alone anymore! You’ll be alright now so don’t cry, okay?!

 

Sometimes Nana DOES know best…

Lil’ Man’s daddy decided to get a motorcycle…Nana said, “Don’t get that! It’s a damned death trap!” because she KNOWS her sons.  Well, guess what?! He didn’t even have it 36 hours, wiped out and hurt his shoulder.  He’s in a sling. I went to take him some money, but he had me to go ALL the way across town to take it to Daphne and told me to do so via the phone because he didn’t want me to see him like that. God help her!  I took it to her and let her know what he said to me…

Now bear in mind I had NO idea about his wrecking the motorcycle already. He never said a word about it.  She burst out laughing and told me EVERYTHING.  I then made it a point to call and say “I told you so!” and one of these days when I am dead and gone, I am certain that they will hear those four words echo in their heads every time they do something that in my life worried me to death about them all!  I take comfort in the fact that ONE DAY Lil’ Man’s daddy is going to know this feeling ALL TOO WELL!

Sometimes things do NOT change when the kids are grown…We still are concerned over them and there are times when we KNOW their personalities well enough that we KNOW with dead on accuracy that there are some things they cannot handle. Lil Man’s dad and motorcycles definitely do not mix…

Have a great weekend!

Nana and the Techno-Challenge…Man I Got an Awakening!

I love the fact that there is always new technology out there to make our lives easier but this post is directed at those on a budget.  I raised 3 sons and believe me, we did NOT keep up with the Jones‘s. I don’t believe in it. That being said, I decided to make a trip to Best Buy and check out some I Phones…I quickly figured out why some I Phone 3’s and 4’s are being resold too…The plans are not worth it.  There is no reason why a  family on a tight budget should be buying these things for a teenager.  Thank God, my boys are 30, 27 and 24.  Now I am going to go into one very good reason why parents should hold off on this.  The plans available (at least in TX) are NOT unlimited plans.  They use the same towers and such, but yet no plans are unlimited. Why is that? I can tell you…Pure greed.

If my boys were teens, I’d be telling them they’d have to have part-time jobs to pay their phone bills…IF a company does not offer unlimited talk, text and web–I would NEVER use them.  Teenagers do not need these things and I know that some parents are made to feel bad about hesitating to get these things.  This time of year it is the time when parents have the urge to want the best of everything for the kids, but here is my suggestion and I hope it helps. If you REALLY cannot afford the things, get the android ones.  Many companies offer unlimited plans and since there are no overage charges, you will sleep a lot easier.  If older teens persist in trying to get you to spend money on these expensive toys, then it’s perfectly fine to let them work a 20 hour a week job and make it clear that they MUST PAY THEIR OWN PHONE bill to keep the phone on.

A lot of the android phones will save you an average of $35 a month or more depending on the plan you do get and if it is a prepaid android phone, and these are good for first time users because it simply cuts off when the plan is expired or until it is renewed.  For what most teens use it for, these android phones are good enough because the cost of apps and games for the I Phones also run into money.

Personally, IF I were making plenty of money I wouldn’t mind having one but since I’m not running a business and such, I don’t see a need for most of the I Phone applications and since most teens watch videos, play on Facebook or use the game apps, I would suggest waiting on getting an I Phone and get them an android.  Teens tend to break a lot of stuff too, so get the extended warranties, insurance, etc…  Now if they come out with an unlimited plan, then I will consider it.  Even for Skype, I would rather use my laptop when I get it to where I can download on it. I just had a new hard drive installed and I’m being very particular on this issue.

I am sure the I Phone is a great one, but do I want to spend a fortune on one right now? No. I have bills that come first and if people out there are having a hard time at this time of year, the last thing anyone would need is another bill to look forward to that might not stay the same each month.

 

Empty Hollows

The Diamond Fleece

The Diamond Fleece (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Oh my God! She’s at it again! Call her sister quick!”  the woman said to her husband as he came to look out of their window.

There she was…Amy Holloway, firing up the barbecue grill.  It was sprinkling outside. The man shook his head and told his wife, “Just leave that girl be. She has suffered enough with that ex husband to be of hers screwing around two days after her kid’s funeral. I don’t blame her for acting out a bit!”

“You aren’t the least bit concerned that she’s lighting a grill during what is about to be a severe storm?” she snapped.

“Absolutely not.  She did stranger things when she was younger. So did you as I recall.” he countered.

“But–”

“I said LEAVE her alone!” and with that he went into the den to watch television.

What Amy did next caused Mrs. Madsen to  be even more concerned, although she fully understood why this was going on…

She came out with a long white box that held the wedding gown she wore…The same gown that she had hoped to see her now dead daughter Hailey wear.  She put the veil in first then tore the dress to shreds.  She also put it in there.  After that she took the unframed wedding portrait and tore it into five pieces and put it on top.

After that she doused her miniature pyre with lighter fluid and waited for it to soak in a couple of minutes…She then struck a long match and tossed it on top of the contents of the grill as her eyes welled up.

“It is finished. Goodbye Hailey.” she whispered as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

Once the task was complete and the last bit of smoke came up from the grill, she closed it and went inside. She then laid the keys down on the kitchen counter and sat in her recliner.  She looked out the window as the rain began to fall.

“Maybe I should give this house to the church.  That way something can actually LIVE in this place.” she mused as she  reached for the remote control.  Just as she was getting into a movie called “The Diamond Fleece” the telephone rang…

“Hello.” she said…Paused…”Oh it’s you.”…”Yes that’s right! You got the cars so you got the f**king bills now leave me be–” Paused…

“Share the house? You heard the judge. I worked two jobs to pay for this house and bought it well before I met you. Screw you and your girlfriend!” Paused…”How many times are you going to lie and say there is nothing between you now that we–Hold it! I wouldn’t take you back after knowing you’d been with her. I thought divorcing you proved that!”…Paused…”Look, you got one shot. Screwing her after Hailey’s funeral is rather unforgivable so stop calling me up drunk! Your tears aren’t for her or for me. They are for the fact that you got caught and f***ed yourself!” Paused…”Oh…That…I burned the dress. I guess your sister has to buy her own…” Paused…”IF you don’t effin’ believe me then come to the back and check the grill, A**hole!”  she yelled as she slammed down the phone.

“You are far too angry.” the voice inside the front bedroom said to her.  She just sighed and mixed herself a drink.

“You know you shouldn’t have dumped him like that. He’s hurting too.” the voice said.

“He doesn’t feel half of the pain I do.  Now please leave me be for a while.” she said as she went back to the blue recliner with her drink in hand.

“Honey, I think divorcing him without trying counseling is a mistake. He does love you–”

“And you hate divorce, Mother. However if he loved me he wouldn’t have looked at her twice. It made our vows a lie! I would never trust him again after that anyway. We must not have had much of a marriage to begin with for him to do that with her 2 days after the funeral and God only knows how many times prior.  It’s over.” Amy said as she tightly clutched the glass.

“You are wrong. In time you will see that. I know it.” her mother told her.

“Whatever Mom.  Call Tish if you like because that’s all that ever happens when I get angry anymore.  No one can let me vent it and get it over-with! I’m supposed to be the little silent church mouse like the two of you–”

“That is so untrue!  It may be what you feel, but I never wanted you to be anything less than what you want to be. I am proud of you for getting a career and moving up in the world.  I couldn’t give much but I did  give you that.” she said.

Amy turned to face the older grey haired woman.   A tear rolled down her cheek.  “You never told me you were proud  of me before. Especially when Dad was around.”

“Well I am and he would be too–”

“He wanted me to go to a freaking convent!” she said.

“No he didn’t.  He only wanted for  you to learn to control yourself more.  I know you have  a short fuse like  he did, but he always bragged to the boys at the pub  when you succeeded in anything. I only wish you heard it then. All that stuff he said when you were younger–he was just being an ass.  Read his journal and it will prove  that.” her mother told her.

“I honestly think he wanted a boy.” she said.

“Well he certainly didn’t do you any favors taking you to the docks did he?” her mother asked.

Amy smiled, “No he didn’t.  But I’m glad he did. I liked the boats and the guys showed me how to prepare the fish properly.”

“As you got older he made you stay here because the dock hands kept eyeballing you and it pissed him off.” her mother grinned.

“Yeah…Tish told me he hated that!” she laughed.

“Well he was glad when the counselor told him you could be in advanced classes. He signed the papers.” she said.

“Wha-”

“That’s right. He signed them.  He said if it keeps you out of the bars and off the docks, he’s happy.  I know he’d be proud now, Amy.” she said.

“Wish he said it to me.” Amy said.

“He did in a way, Amy.  He gave you the business. That and with your law practice, you’ve done well and I know he’d love that.” her mother said as she walked over to her and hugged her.

“Well, he’s with Hailey now and I’m sure he’s showing her constellations and how the ships know where to go and such.” she mused.

“Amy–”

“But it’s a good thing he didn’t live to see this because he would have killed Michael and we both know it.” she said.

“Amy,  this is all killing Michael. He loves you. He did not want the divorce.” her mother said.

“Doesn’t matter now.”Amy said as the rain began to pour against the windows. She glanced at the remnants of smoke from the grill and the empty swing Hailey so loved.

“And I don’t think you wanted one either. I’m going to lie down.  If you want Michael to be a knight in shining armor, then you had better give him a reason to come out of the bottom of that bottle before he kills himself. He thinks he lost you long before Hailey died. He told Tish that. He’s been lost ever since she fell ill the last time. ”  her mother warned.

“Well Mother,” Amy began, “Maybe if he came to me instead of his whore secretary we might have had a chance in hell of actually making it work.   He should have thought of it. I won’t forgive him and nobody has any right to expect me to.”

“All I am saying is that you are probably going to always wonder what may have been if you don’t at least talk to him. Try talking about Hailey. You’re both grieving–”

“He’s only grieving the fact that I caught him and he couldn’t get the house.” Amy hissed.

“You are wrong. It takes two to make a marriage work and two to break it. I’ll talk to you later dear.” her mother said as she went back into her room.

“And I’ll get over it.” Amy said to herself as she continued to take in the blurred view through the window while the rain fell and her eyes once again blurred as they became misty at the site of the swing…

The monument to her lost child…

Nana Gets the Double Whammy!

I am not expecting a grandchild…I’m expecting TWO!  I am a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I feel kind of torn.  All I can say is, the 2nd one will probably be here two to three weeks after the first one and I have massive planning to do…I was almost to a point where I could plan around one–but two that close together? Oh boy…I always said if it’s weird or unusual it will happen around here when I’m around…

I can get to the front of the checkout line at Wal~Mart and the power will go dead–among other things.  Can someone send me a bottle of  Hendrick’s Gin? I could really use a few mixed drinks about now…I know this much–better those girls than moi! Now I’ve got to figure out the Holidays every year all over again–and it’s going to be weird…

Then I hear the youngest really leaning toward naming his son AFTER another family member. To me this is a big no-no. I don’t go for that.  It’s just a thing with me that it seems rather silly to give a child a name they’d have to live up to–or one he or she would end up changing as an adult because he/she hates how it sounds–or he/she simply didn’t like the story behind it…  A child’s name is to be something taken very seriously. It is something they will own, and the responsibility should not be taken lightly.

I held my babies for a bit before I could even begin to come up with a name.  Then when I did, it just felt right. Sure I pondered several but the names REALLY came to me when I held them…It was the most awesome feeling to look into the child’s eyes and know I picked the right name, even though my middle son doesn’t like the meaning of his.  Oh well…Such is life. He can get over it.

Picking names for a baby is not that hard, but some people make it a chore.  I think my way is the better one.  I never needed a baby name book either….