My Thoughts On Relationships and What I Tend to Avoid

Note: The post below is simply my opinion of the matter. I am very leery of who I get involved with, especially when they get too much into the “flattery” bit. I don’t know about the rest of you, but give me an honest guy I can bullshit with at the club any day of the week.  At least I know that even when we get pissed at each other we can still remain friends, even if I am never going get into a committed relationship if I can see it would ruin the friendship.

Maybe I am just strange but I never understood why some people feel the need to wrap their entire identity up in another person. I’ve been divorced for 19 years. I’m a bit gun-shy of anyone who tries to make out like I am their “possession” after only dating a few months. I bolt! I rather enjoy my independence. I think the biggest mistake young women make is they look for a prince when there is no prince. After the novelty of a relationship wears off, that is when the younger women get very disappointed, disillusioned and brought down to reality. They discover that relationships take work.

However when women look for a lasting relationship while a man is looking for an “arrangement” that suits him, that is where problems come in. Eventually they part ways and I’ve seen this too many times. Sometimes it’s the other way around and some of the women look to combine resources and such, while the guys are actually looking for something real and lasting that goes beyond the material. Neither type of relationship tends to last and I’ve seen too many of my friends end up miserable after seven years or so in such a farce. No, these people are not “gold diggers” either. They just have different ideas of what constructs a relationship and when two people get together who aren’t like-minded and there isn’t good communication, that is a relationship doomed to fail from day one.

I can tell quickly where I stand with someone now. I can tell when it will not work by listening closely to what he’s saying. If younger women (and men) could gain that skill without having to go through the motions first, there might be less heartache involved in the break-up. As far as being a woman, I was better off the day I realized there are no princes, and it takes more than a crown to make a true prince…Think about it.

This holds true for the guys who tend to hook up with “princess” types too–the girls who want all to revolve around THEM. Guys, those are the girls you need to avoid…Period. If they don’t have a life outside of YOU there is a problem… And  women need to realize, there are guys like this too. .Just to give you an idea of what I’m talking about there when it comes to the “princess” type–Betty Broderick was one of those. She is an extreme example but the “princess” type will keep calling you and harassing you and your new girlfriend long after you break up with her. She’ll also back stab you when you tell her to knock it off and she will covertly try to make you look like the bad guy to others–and will work deceitfully and covertly to get others in your own circle to turn on you. I don’t know WHY it is but sometimes, and in some ways,  it is easier to spot the male doing this than the female.  Maybe it is because the female tends to be more subtle about it.

Granted, Broderick is an extreme example, but guys who have dealt with that type KNOW what I mean. They manipulate and cannot let go of the guy when he leaves. They are like “Hilly” in the movie “The Help”–where she treats her ex’s wife like crap and gets her ostracized in the community out of extreme jealousy, and she also tries to control others in her peer group. Guys, there is a way to spot those types. When they always say what you WANT to hear vs. what you NEED to hear to get you hooked, be careful. Some things are too good to be true. A good woman will start off  by being that friend who tells you what she really thinks–even if there are times it really ticks you off at first, but at least she’s being HONEST and that is what counts. And don’t pout if she is right either!  If she’s being honest with you, then she RESPECTS you as a person and cares about the person you are and NOT what you have to offer.  The same holds true for women out there who are addicted to those “sweet nothings” that they hear a lot. They need to ditch people who are into that bit.  That road leads quickly to misery. Sweet nothings are only bait used to hook the fish…

Chew on that for a while…There is a big difference in what some say vs. what they REALLY mean. That is another thing to watch for!

Remembering the Monster (Part II)

It is  funny how when a child goes through abuse in the home, they feel that they did something wrong, or they said something to piss the abusive parent off.  However sometimes the abuser reveals the real reason for singling out the child. It is a lesson I know very well because it was taught to my abuser as well.

I am referring to my late stepmother.  As cruel as she was and as evil as she could be, I learned some lessons about her that did enable me to forgive what she did.  Does that mean that from time to time the shadows don’t try to creep up and remind me through nightmares and such? Absolutely not.

I remember well how I slept with the lights on after she killed herself with that same pistol she waived at my head–and sometimes she went further–she would actually put the barrel to my head, and I can remember how cold it felt to this day.  Often she revealed my existence as her reasoning behind her resentment of my presence in the family. The bottom line is, I stood up to her once I got older.

I find it also funny that when growing up, one thinks this is actually normal crap to deal with day after day.  Once she took her own life, and the shock of her death subsided, along with my self-loathing thinking it was my fault she did it, I began to get around ‘normal families“…You know–the ones where both parents didn’t fight and they actually had meals together at the table like we did before my parents split?

However, back to my point…She would tell me things her mother said to her such as, “…I don’t want you and I never did!”   Then she told me a story about how her two step sisters died in a fire that she believed her stepfather started. I wasn’t sure what to make of this story until I read it myself, but she was adamant that her stepfather set the fire.

I had a horrible tendency to turn my anger inward during and after those years. I remember hearing those negative voices when my stepmother committed suicide–and they were very “loud”, if you know what I mean. I kept hearing, “You should have done this!” or “IF you had done X then Y wouldn’t have happened.”  The bottom line is that there was nothing I did to cause it being that I was only around 14 and nothing could change it.  I had to work my way through that process of grief and self-loathing.

My dad was a total basket case, so I had to help arrange the funeral and pick the casket, as well as the dress to bury her in. THAT was the hardest part of that whole thing–having to help arrange it at 14. I am glad my sister and sister-in-law were around to help keep my head on track, and they did help me to handle this.  To this day I have an aversion to going into funeral homes even though I make myself do it. All it takes is the smell of the flowers or the sight of a black suit to send me straight back to 1978. I don’t know why but that triggers those memories in a huge way. I find it ironic that I knew more about her childhood–her parents names and such than my father did. I also knew that she had three sons taken from her in Red Bluff, CA in the 1970’s so if anyone is looking to find her, then contact me via email.

I struggled with trying to find reasons for what happened, and trying to make “sense” of it, but there is no “sense” when it comes to something like that or any unexpected loss, I think. There was also that voice that kept saying, “What if I had done ____ differently? Would it change a thing?”  I didn’t have a sounding board to take my frustrations out on so I turned to pen and paper, which was all I had at the time–aside from an imagination that when my pen flowed freely, the counselors became concerned.  I also struggled with the fact that there came a day when I fully realized that what went on in our household was NOT normal by any stretch of the imagination.

Then came the day I had to forgive her and then myself.  I realized that I both loved her and hated what she did, but realizing that she was not in control of her actions enabled me to forgive her and begin to rebuild from another starting point. I also had to forgive a few others in this process. When I say I had to “rebuild from another starting point” I am referring to the fact that after any traumatic event we can never fully be the person we once were.  We have to debrief ourselves a bit and then start reprogramming from that point, I think.

Living with her mental illnesses was one thing, but her behaviors also taught me how “NOT” to be a stepmother.  It also turned me off of the idea of internet dating and such because she WAS a mail order bride.  Anyone can put on any image they want to present themselves to be, but you never know what they are until you are with them.

I choose to play it “safe” and avoid that trap, hence the reason I don’t connect with anyone to go out with from the internet.  I have my friends I hang out with.  If I go out with anyone it will be with NO ONE that I meet on the web.

Does this mean I am lonely? No. I am alone but I don’t get lonely.  I have things to do and places to go and since I spent half of my life married, I’m in no rush. I am certainly NOT desperate either. Being single does not mean that my life is broken.

Now I want to say something else here.  I read Cinderella as a  child…I watched the version of it with Lesley Ann Warren and loved it.  As I got older, as in my late teens, I began to realize how much truth in  “Fairy Tales” really existed.  Her friends were mice–AT LEAST in the Disney version. My friend was a mouse named Brutus. There is also truth in the fiction between us all.  My fiction was that I was a princess or an angel in waiting…When I grew up, I realized that I am a statistic…A number…One of the many who fell through the cracks, but made my own way back out of them.

In fact, I think the song “Luka” fits more accurately–even though I’m not a boy.  After all, Suzanne Vega was right…She only hit until I cried. I sure as hell didn’t ask why when she went on these rampages either.

Many of these fairy tales were written with happy endings, but in life, would they have been happy? We may never know.   Look at “Sleeping Beauty“…The queen was pissed because she wasn’t invited to the Christening.  The only thing that woke Aurora’s ass up was her true love’s kiss.  What rubbish.  All of these fairy tales have the sabotage of the memes we were taught running rampantly through them.  The main theme being “Good prevails over evil”….Does it?   Or, do we simply hope for the best, block out the worst and drive on hoping the next day will be better than the one before?

Either way I drew more inspiration for my writing from “Dark Shadows” than I ever would any of these “fairy tales”.  I also drew from a movie called “Paperhouse” and ‘another one called “Spirit of the Beehive“. Perhaps it is because in the eyes of the child I once was, Barnabas (from “Dark Shadows”) could not help what he was and that enabled me to empathize with his fictional pain.  In my opinion, he was bullied too.

Unusual Truth–Nana

You have beaten me yet I do smile

You have berated me but I still laugh

You have misjudged me and I have survived

You have bound me but never have found me

You have misused me yet I have prevailed

You have discarded me-the stone left unturned.

 

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

All that I Am–Still Unbroken

Today I found a plastic bowl that one of my boys stained up by using it in the microwave oven…They used something with tomato in it because I could tell by the stain.  I started to throw the thing away, but couldn’t make myself do it.  It elicited a train of though from me that I haven’t had in a long time.

People are quick to toss out things they view as “useless”.  This includes people.  People who may have had things happen to them.  Most know my story so I won’t repeat it, but sharing it has cost me a great deal. People assume that girls who go through what I endured are “damaged” and they want nothing to do with the issue .  There are those who simply wish I wouldn’t talk about it because it disturbs their comfort zone.

Oh well, so be it.  The fact of the matter is that I have decided that I have endured much of the abuse I suffered as a child because some other kid might not have survived it long enough to tell the tale.  If telling my tale helps one child, then the critics and naysayers can all quite frankly kiss my ass.

This “damaged” vessel tells kids that they should never be afraid to keep telling someone until they are listened to.  Period!

I have ended relationships because I could tell that the man I was with had a problem with how I deal with my own issues. Most of them didn’t want to “share me” anymore. They began to isolate me from family and friends and I know exactly what that leads to because my own abusers did the same thing to me as a child–so yes, I know the warning signs and I don’t fall for those lines any longer.

On the other hand, I know that one day another person will cross into my path that will realize that the person I am today is in spite of what happened to me–not because of what happened.  I could have done a 180 and became a totally cruel, sardonic bitch, but I didn’t. I did become a realist.  When a person takes the time to accept me as I am, he will have my heart–and not a minute sooner. He will encourage rather than abase me.  He will lift me up rather than knock me down emotionally.  And he will work alongside me rather than try to constantly control me.  He will let me fly rather than try to put me in his cage. In short, he won’t try to turn me into a creature that I can never be–and I will  return to him that kindness.

By the way, I didn’t toss the bowl since it will come in handy–and besides, it’s less crap for the landfill.  One of these days people will learn that ceramic bowls may break, but they are easier to clean. Once broken, you have to toss them.

That being said, here is one of the most beautiful rock ballads I’ve heard in years.  Johnny Rzeznik (of the Goo Goo Dolls) knows how to craft a lyric…I think it proper to close with this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcTnu3AWk7Q&feature=related

I will never be broken.

On a Lighter Note…

I need to lose 15 lbs…No seriously, I learned that while the south might use the term tea kettle for tea-pot,  there is a difference!  I also learned that there are people who DO make home-made cheese!   I am totally enthralled by this phenomenon.  I thought people stopped doing that decades ago!

I think it is simply terrific that people actually do this!

I am also grateful for all that has happened in my life.  I wouldn’t be where I am if it hadn’t been for all I have experienced.  More importantly, I am thankful for my family, my friends and my dog Buddy…

Each day we are on this orb, we should be grateful for what we do have. Even if in an emotional slump, I truly believe that there is always something we can be grateful for.

That being said, it is my wish that in the coming year, that all of my friends get what they desire–new jobs, homes, the babies to sleep the night through, or whatever…As for me I only want ONE thing and that is to be accepted 100% as I am.   I think if a person is working overtime to get me to change the way I am (or anyone else for that matter), then he or she should first invest in a mirror and start working on the person they see when they stand in front of  it. In fact, there is a good philosophy behind this particular song by Weezer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQHPYelqr0E&ob=av2e

Now you all know why I am taking my time with the guys.  I’m in no hurry…Individuality is the spice of life to me…If you cannot be comfortable in your own skin because you’re spending too much time worrying about someone else’s opinion and walking on eggshells to keep the peace–then it’s time to re-evaluate why you are where you are and make changes.  It worked for me…Have a great week!

Does a Broken Heart Ever Heal?

I had to ask this.  I don’t know why I am down right now, but for some reason, I went through a phase tonight where all I could do mourn for a person who died to me 2 years ago…No, he’s not physically dead but he might as well be because I have no intention of letting him back into my life.  I visualized putting flowers into the sea and watching them drift into the sea as I said, “Nevermore”.  Yes, I know that is what the Raven said, but for some reason my heart felt very heavy tonight and it surrounded  him.

A friend then urged me to call him to which I replied, “What the hell for?  There is no point.”  Well my friend says that this guy keeps asking about me.  So what?  I don’t want him back. He chose to be where he is.  He can stay there.

Then I get told, “Well you should call him.  Once you call him and the dust settles you’ll feel better.”

I felt better the day I said goodbye to him.  I will not go back  ten steps when I am moving forward and my career is going well.  To let him back into my life in any capacity would only set me backwards.  I do not need that–not now–not ever.  Had he been genuine and not leading everyone around him (including his family) with false promises and lies, it would be different.

The sun is rising on a new day and I am going to sleep now.  I will not dream of him.  Why?  He doesn’t break my heart any longer but I know that he is breaking someone else’s–but the lies he lives are his own.  So now I ask for his next victim, “Does a broken heart ever heal?”

I will also answer it here: “Yes it does. Give it time.  You’ll still think of the person once in a while, but the pain of the old relationship is not worth returning to. It will pass.  Just leave that person where he or she belongs–out of the picture of your future, which is what I had to do.  With that person there would be no future to speak of anyhow.  I know this from personal experience.”

Give yourself some TLC if you are hurting right now. You deserve the "me" time! Use that to work on healing the old wounds, folks...It doesn't matter what gender you are or whatever. Broken hearts take time to heal, and yours will...I promise you that...

If I Had Written THIS as a Teen, I’d STILL have ended up in the counselor’s office…Guess why

Another corpse choking

on a Kaiser roll

while a solitary bookkeeper

keeps track of a soul.

When the ink bottle spills

over a yellowed page

some demon in a hallway

hunts me down in a rage.

 

 

It is only Mephistopheles

who is keeping the scores

while his old pal Leviathan

vents some anger in the moors

Then children born of ignorance

escape their gilded cage–

but not before the fool seeks

some wisdom from the sage.

 

Don’t ask me where this came from.  Some times ink escapes my pen just as in the fashion words escape my mouth when I really get on a roll…If done verbally, it’s almost comparable to “verbal vomit” because I’m usually purging a few old ghosts…I write monologues once in a  while too, but as a teen, I never let anyone see all of it…If they had, they would have thought I went mad…Maybe I was in a sense. I definitely trusted nobody and I certainly was a hermit…

I find it odd that people think that solitude is such a bad thing when it really isn’t.  It depends on what one does with that solitude.  I used it to create my own worlds, characters and such–much in the way women writers did in the days of old.

I am the one that got away…

For those of you who have read my blog before (Kadja2), you know that there is one person I refer to as “my favorite mistake”.  He was a co-worker in a prison and needless to say, I learned that it is imperative to never get your honey where you make your money.   When people come at you and try to lure you into their prisons that they build for themselves, there are warning signals.  When a person won’t take you to meet their family, that’s warning sign number one.   When they never seem to be there for you when you need them the most, that’s warning sign number two. 

I escaped from the prison he was planning to keep me in.  I decided to move on with my life over 18 months ago.  He’s tried to call, but I don’t return the calls and I don’t answer the text messages.  When I get to where I am going I plan to change my phone number and only give it to close friends and family, like I did before.  I can truly say that I am free of him.

I closed my eyes today (per someone else’s suggestion) and imagined that he pulled into my driveway.  I then imagined that although he tried to get my attention and such, I never heard him.  A tow truck came and got his vehicle, as he chased behind it.  There were oil stains and such  out there so as he disappeared, I threw cat litter on them and cleaned it up.  The driveway was clean and he chased his truck into infinity because I never saw him again.

I like to come home in the evening, write and read a book, drink my mexican hot chocolate and then dream of seeing other places.  I long to go to Peru or somewhere to volunteer for a few months, but I need to get some things taken care of first.  I’ve thought of Costa Rica too!  I have a life to live and I plan to enjoy it.  I am alone, but  not really  lonely.  I admit that it would be nice to have that soul that I can say is home to my own, but I don’t know if it will happen or when and I am not going to worry about it. I don’t raise the bar too high either.  I have always accepted people as they are.

I was married twice to men in the military. I have no problem with being apart if we have to be, but I do have a problem with a person who doesn’t trust me when he would be away.  When a man gets jealous when he cannot be with me, it sends up a red flag because I learned one hard lesson from my upbringing.  Southerners say this often: “The hen that cackles the loudest is the one laying the egg.”   I got  married at 19, a mom on my 20th birthday.  Three months later, soldier #1 left me for a 19-year-old in Colorado.  The link below accurately describes the situation rather well.  I know I use music links a lot, but my life connects with music–all kinds of music.  I can listen to any genre accept OPERA.  Don’t ask why but most opera music gets to me. If I watch it on TV and mute it with subtitles, I like that because then I can tell what the bloody story is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_mwbCw4utI     (Terri Clark)

The song above “She Didn’t Have Time” by Terri Clark sums up what I went through when ex #1 ran off.  

The program you are looking at above, Insanity by Shaun T., saved my sanity…Funny that Insanity IS what it is called.  I’ve got the deluxe set.  My next goal is to get Brazil Butt Lift and go back to doing 2 a days.  If you want to know more about it, friend me on Facebook and email me!  I lost 30 lbs and dropped down from a size 18 to a 14 in FORTY days!  It is tough, it is intense and you won’t regret it but if you have back and knee problems, you’ll want to do something lighter, like Chalean Extreme.  Turbo Jam is cool and so is Hip Hop Abs…It took purging my memories of my exes and making room for this to improve my self-esteem.

I also recommend finding a “sacred” place to go to.  This will be YOUR place.  This is where you go to reflect, pray, cry or whatever you do to get in touch with what some call “your higher self”.  I talk to God…Simple as that.  Meditate however you wish, but I’d rather talk with God, the Great Spirit or whatever.  I am part Comanche so I have to be among nature to really feel alive.  This cold weather gets to me.  It also reminds me of when I had to get away from the 2nd ex.  I caught him with a baby sitter.  I should have left right afterward, but DUMMY me tried forgiving.  It didn’t work.  He kept trying to get around other women.  Once the trust was gone, and I heard him tell my best friend “Oh I never really loved her.” that killed what was left of our marriage.

I  love this image below…It could be because I am part Comanche, but there is just something so peaceful about it.  I found that the Comanches typically made their raids for captive, horses and such during a full moon.  I love being out under a full moon, but it is to bask in the beauty of its light.  I have always loved being under the light of a full moon–especially when I am at a beach or by a river.  I love watching its rays dance across the waves, and the feel of a gentle Spring or Summer breeze…I feel totally loved in those moments-and at peace with all that is around me.  Some day I would love to go out on a moonlit beach in Costa Rica or something…It really doesn’t matter where in the world I am at,  as long as I can get to my sacred place…May you find yours as well, wherever you might be…

I also have jewelry made for myself by a very talented artist when I have money.  I spent a lot of time and money helping others, but neglected me. That time is now past.  It is my time.  I kicked the last cell door down on my life and am going to live it.  I am taking an ESL course as well.  It will open up more doors for me and I am ready for that. 

If you are ready to make a change in your life, the time is now.  One cannot let yesterday throw up pictures in their faces because it is gone–over with–and dead.  The future is another item we have no control over.  Why worry over that which is already done and that which we are uncertain about?  It makes no bloody sense whatsoever!  I have right here, in this moment, peace.  I will live as I will.  If anyone has a problem with that, all I have to say is, “Have a nice day”!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCg2BoKiuOM      (Bon Jovi)

Nothing like a Bon Jovi number to get off to a great Saturday Night! I am glad I got away from those emotional prisons, because living a lie is the worst type of vacuüm one can ever let themselves get sucked into!