Methinks I Read Too Much Dorothy Parker Tonight…

* Methinks I read too much Dorothy Parker tonight–but damn I love her work!*
8 Lines of Reunion BS

There was a day when I could walk
and heart ruled not the head
and then the words came tumbling out
that you were back instead.

Of love we will not dare to talk
so climb back to her bed
Honestly for years I thought
that you were actually dead.

Nana and Easter…

It’s funny how at this time of year, I think of my Grannie Ainsworth a lot.  She would start cooking deserts the night before at the latest…I remember those huge tin tubs filled with dyed eggs–and believe me we needed that many eggs!  Sometimes more than 30 people who show up and we ate in shifts!  Sometimes Grannie invited neighbors in too and there was always enough food to feed a small army!

My favorite was porcupine meatballs!  Still is! When I look at my grandson right now, I wonder what he’ll remember when he’s older.  The girls will get to hunt too! I’m going to be coming back from vacation and will spend Easter Sunday at my mother’s and I’m hoping everyone shows up.

Grannie always went to church and then went right back to the kitchen! I remember those wooden pews in the Fundamental Baptist Church and those old oscillating fans–with the red blades and such.  I also remember times I sat with her on the back of the truck, eating eggs until I thought I’d explode!  I also remember when I was really small that Grandpa Ainsworth helped me get the ones out of the trees because I was too short to reach!

I also remember the Saturday prior.  We’d sit around the TV and watch all kinds of music shows.  This included Hee-Haw and a lot of Gospel music.  For those not born yet, prime time TV usually had little to pick from. It was football, baseball, music, etc…I remember black and white TV‘s as well as when we got our first color TV.  Here’s an example of what we saw too:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=7tsvaAIcMnc&NR=1

But this was my particular program to keep still for!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqbDZjC5bdE

And I always got a kick out of his lady too! She sang about topics nobody would touch!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgylOni0JSI

I remember how Mom made dresses for me back in those days too, and I loved them. She’d buy me one for Easter, but the ones she made were pretty cool!  I never had the knack for sewing that she did or the knack for cooking she and my Grannie had. I thought it interesting that Grannie could make such perfect things and never use a measuring cup.  I never saw her with one until I was older.

Once we got through at Grannie Ainsworth’s house–we went for round 2 at Grannie O’Neill’s too!

I still remember what a #2 can is and such too. Who else does?  Better yet, who remembers those big boxes of commodity cheese or the chicken that the USDA gave out?  Now that was some good stuff! My dad made a great batch of chicken and dressing with that chicken!  Below is a pic of my Grannie and Grandpa Ainsworth…I miss them both.

Grannie and Grandpa Ainsworth

Fallen…Forgotten…

I was called Fallen.  I am the one you don’t see or hear.  I stood by you when you cried, and told you all would be well.  Yet you chose to simply let me fall.  I was crushed and broken, but you were no longer there. You built your own Utopia while I faithfully stood and waited.  Silently…Hoping for some sign that my fears had not come to pass.  Then the rain fell.  As each drop penetrated my being, I longed to be part of Mother Earth once again–to have that oneness with something again, for walking on this red road has become increasingly difficult.

At least if I am part of Mother Earth, at some point we will cross paths again and I will feel your warm presence–though you will not know mine for I will be supporting your footsteps as I always have. However, the Great Spirit has other plans for me.  I will one day leave this place behind, and the grief I have with it.  As the rain washes the tears from my fading tracks, you will come to look for me but I will be gone–as well as my tracks.  And when you seek the Great Spirit to return me to you, you will find that he has sent me to where I am truly needed…

And at that point I will no longer be fallen or forgotten. I will be appreciated, needed and loved.  I have a purpose yet to fulfill in this life and will not let you drive me to such depths of despair again–let alone distract me from what I must do ever again.  Farewell, for soon you will be fallen and forgotten as my purpose on this road unfolds before me.  Even now you seek me, but I am not to be found…Please do not ask  about me or for me again. I will no longer answer for the ship I am going to leave on is waiting. I shall not look back because I have now risen.  Of the two of us, I shall now fly to my new sanctuary. Peace.

My Sanctuary

I Cannot Hold This Inside Any Longer

What I am about to say is probably going to upset people closest to me and at this point it does not matter.  I do not believe in living a lie and refuse to be pressured into going along with a mob mentality that is prevalent in the churches and in the streets.  I am an angry woman. I am angry because nobody in this country is taking care of their families and their own affairs before they put their nose into someone else’s business.

While I agree that the Constitution should be upheld, and the SOPA and RDAA rulings are nothing but a design to help enslave Americans, it is the public that is doing the job better than our government is.  America is becoming enslaved by the divisions within itself and it’s time to give BOTH major parties the boot… You have races hating each other for the color of their skin.  Neither party works to help Americans fix that. You have groups hating each other because they believe differently and you have groups hating women for having the courage to point these things out.   Yet nobody in our body of leaders wants to work to address the issues of the divisions that are destroying this nation. When I say “you” I am speaking of America as a people but if you are a bigoted individual,  you will know who you are by the end of this post.

You have Christians hating Atheists and Atheists hating Christians…Just to note:  A Christian who hates ANYONE is not a Christian and that goes for Rev. Wright, The Westboro Baptist Church and any other nut fringed and nut led religious group we hear about. Why not drop the labels and unite as Americans long enough to deal with the more important issues at hand, like keeping our basic rights to assembly, free speech and such in tact?  As long as those rights are kept in tact, this nation will remain strong but when those rights are removed, then this nation becomes in danger of being governed by those who crave absolute power and they will use the division of the American people to get it–and believe it or not, they are doing a damned good job at this point.

If people would mind their own business, believe what they want to and QUIT TRYING to force different belief systems on each other, we’d all be better off.  I am sick and tired of religion being pushed in school under the guise of “cultural education programs”.  IF you are going to teach foreign languages, they should be electives–not requirements. Most people will never live beyond US borders by their own choice so why force them to learn Arabic, Spanish or any other language they don’t want to learn? We certainly do not force anyone else to learn our language.  Make this all elective and save some tax dollars. But wait! That might make sense.

By the same token, I am tired of those who are in the extreme atheist fringe who sue to keep those of any faith out of political life. Yes, they are out there.  If there is to be true separation of church and state, then the Atheists cannot be allowed to force agendas either because of the free exercise clause.  The Constitution never gave anyone the right to not be offended whether they are of a faith or not. Solution: Stop the lawsuits and tell people to mind their own business because both groups pay taxes, therefore they can gripe and moan about whatever they want in public, and if they want to pray in public, it’s their business. Their taxes pay for their right to do so…

Now let’s discuss the thorn in every conservative’s side…Gay marriage.  No marriages are gay. In fact many married couples I know in the conservative world do nothing but argue and gripe about everyone else and are so miserable, I tell them they should get divorced.  They get pissed off because they say it’s “a sacred vow”–but I tell them if they don’t love each other, there is no more “vow” to break because they already broke the main one–you know–to the one where they said they would  “love, honor and cherish” each other? They really hate it when I point it out, but it’s messing up their kids to stay together in a situation like that.

If a same-sex couple wants to marry and such–let them.  IF the god of the bible is true, judgment will begin with the “House of God” and that means the Christians will get theirs long before anyone else.  Why bother?  It is not your job to tell anyone how to live. God (and yes I do believe in God) gave man a free will to choose his own path.  He also did not make you judge and the sole arbiter of one’s fate.  It’s certainly not my job to do his job.  That being said, I am closing with this clip from the “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.  She hit the nail on the head.  People really need to get over all this hatred because it is destroying this country, or as I should point out, what is left of it.

http://www.etonline.com/tv/118806_Ellen_DeGeneres_Slams_One_Million_Moms/index.html

People  will love this post or they’ll want to burn me at the stake for it and I do not care.  It is our children and grandchildren who will pay the price for this stupidity if people don’t knock it off in this country.  I see little appreciation from people for what our country’s founders created, and even less for those that sacrifice themselves to support it, but that’s a WHOLE new topic…Later…

Note:  I have many friends who are atheists, gays, etc…and they have no problem with my stand which is this: IF everyone is minding their OWN business and letting people be who they are, then we won’t end up putting our nose in another country’s affairs and telling them how to live because we’ll be too busy cleaning our own nation up first!  I hope it makes sense, but if  not, I’m used to it…

Sometimes When I Cry…

I learned that my 6th grade English teacher passed away within the past 48 hours.   This was a woman who was tough, but fair.  She always pushed her students to do their best, yet as they got older, she encouraged them to march to the beat of their own drum.  She was best at marching to her own beat in a time that most felt uncomfortable with anyone or anything that was not descended from the same train of thought that they were.

One thing I did learn was that she expected to hear our own voices when we wrote–not a rehashing of what someone else spent months and years pounding into our heads.  There are days I simply want to scream, “This is who I am!” knowing that very few accept my not-so-conventional train of thought (and probably never will).   I do not know that she ever experienced this depth of feeling so alone at times, but I know I experienced it for most of my life.

Death has been a constant companion to me.  It is neither male nor female, and yet it’s presence seems to invade my space and that peace I have as of late.  It is a part of my life, having been touched by it many times in my youth, and damned near experiencing it myself twice. I won’t go into the details of it, but I know what it is to come very close to experiencing that endlessness that everyone seems to fear with  so much dread.

I don’t fear it though.  Why bother fearing it when it touches us all more than we realize?  If anything, it is what we leave behind that we should fear.  It is the failing of saying “I love you.” to those closest to us each day that should have us reeling in repentance for neglecting to realize that they DO need to hear those three words from time to time.

It is our failing as human beings to do what we know to do that is right even when nobody is watching us that we should fear.  It is the children and grandchildren that will learn what it is to inherit a lack of integrity as a result.

It is our non-acceptance of others regardless of how different they are from us that we should grovel in tears over, because our children and our grandchildren will learn what it is to be a bigot if we fail to realize our own stupidity with respect to this issue.

It is our unwillingness to give selflessly of ourselves to others we should show some remorse over, for our children and our grandchildren will learn what it is to be self-centered from that alone.

It is our willingness to dash one another in thought and tongue from our presence (since it is not legal to kill them) that we should weep over because if we are willing to force our wills upon someone else rather than take them as they are or banish them that teaches our children that hatred is a good thing–as well as power.

There is power in hatred.  From hatred springs every evil known to man–murder, destruction, wars and sometimes pestilence.  Anyone who disagrees should look at how there have been many advantages given to Death to do its deeds with each successive conflict in History–and we won’t even discuss periods of time when hundreds of thousands of people to millions of them were slaughtered.

Sometimes when I cry, it is because  although I know Death is a constant companion in life and to life, I have joy for it does not dominate me.   Death in and of itself is a release from the bonds of our own nature it seems.  However, if we are not concerned about the tracks we leave behind in our trail for those to follow, then we have lost all consciousness of who we are and what we should strive to become throughout our days.  Does that make sense?  If it doesn’t, then reflect on it a while.  How should we WANT to be remembered?  I know how I remember my teacher and several others that have passed before her would answer that question.

Sometimes when I cry, I remember that they gave me a torch to carry and to pass on to my grandchildren–and I will do so–regardless of what others may think.  We should never fear those we don’t answer to–but we should fear what we leave behind for our descendants to answer for in our behalf, I think.  For what we leave in our own tracks, we are accountable because it is the future generations that will always pay for our own stupidity in spades in the end.

Yes, we should follow our own drum–but we shouldn’t sentence our descendants to follow the drum others make for them. Sometimes when I cry, I fear that they will not know what to follow because they are pushed so hard to be like “everyone else” and not themselves now–or so it seems.

Deeply Reflecting…

I have pulled in the ranks and am not talking to a lot of people right now. It has gotten to a point to where I am even  re-evaluating a couple of decisions I’ve made.  It gets really old when one tries to cheer others on, and then tries to help in any way possible and then only seeing a blank space where some colors and design should be.  However I have recently found myself in situations to where I have to fake a smile or a laugh…I have also found myself in a situation to where once again I had to be the one to create distance for my own well-being.

At dawn I will be up on my mountain again to see if there is an answer awaiting me. When I feel uncertain as to the path I should take, I find my strength up there.  Once again I must seek answers and guidance.  My spirit is deeply troubled tonight, so this time I will not go up there to seek the blessings of the Universe for others as I normally do–but I will seek the answers to my questions while there.  I need to know that my energy is not being wasted for nothing.  I need to KNOW that what good I do really does go out to reach others like the ripples of a pond, and that people who benefit at the nucleus (meaning where I began to have the empathy and compassion to want to see them do well) are actually paying it forward themselves.

Believe me, Wankan Tanka has never, ever steered me in the wrong direction.  My questions will be these: Am I making a difference or not. If so, I don’t see it.   Is anything I am doing to help changing a single life for the better here?  If not, where do I need to be?  Better yet, is there something I need to change?  Hopefully when I come down, I’ll have those answers.   2012 is going to be a good year for me. I just need to figure this out for now, so I’m going back to my cave for the night.  I wonder what the Universe is going to send my way this time?   Hopefully I will gain some fresh inspiration.

If I Had Written THIS as a Teen, I’d STILL have ended up in the counselor’s office…Guess why

Another corpse choking

on a Kaiser roll

while a solitary bookkeeper

keeps track of a soul.

When the ink bottle spills

over a yellowed page

some demon in a hallway

hunts me down in a rage.

 

 

It is only Mephistopheles

who is keeping the scores

while his old pal Leviathan

vents some anger in the moors

Then children born of ignorance

escape their gilded cage–

but not before the fool seeks

some wisdom from the sage.

 

Don’t ask me where this came from.  Some times ink escapes my pen just as in the fashion words escape my mouth when I really get on a roll…If done verbally, it’s almost comparable to “verbal vomit” because I’m usually purging a few old ghosts…I write monologues once in a  while too, but as a teen, I never let anyone see all of it…If they had, they would have thought I went mad…Maybe I was in a sense. I definitely trusted nobody and I certainly was a hermit…

I find it odd that people think that solitude is such a bad thing when it really isn’t.  It depends on what one does with that solitude.  I used it to create my own worlds, characters and such–much in the way women writers did in the days of old.

Okay…Where are you all at? There was NO Rapture so I KNOW you’re around! You’re all too Quiet!!!

Okay…The rapture did not happen Saturday so why are you all so bloody quiet? I KNOW unless you’re dead, you’re here! That also means if you’re here, then like me, you went to work today…How was YOUR Monday? Mine was straight out of the “Twilight Zone”!

IN fact, this says it ALL after my manager had to deal w/all kinds of “Close Encounters of the Weird Kind” all day long–and a few of them were close encounters of the TURD kind!!!

If NOTHING ELSE, this clip which also appears on Piper Bayard’s blog should cheer you up!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LXuNpF6NVg&feature=related

You really need to check out Bayard and Holmes blog…They totally rock!  You will learn some true History from a unique perspective, that’s for sure!