Educating Both Sides About ONE Issue Regarding the Death Penalty

Personally, I do not support capital punishment.  I also do not support lies being told to support an issue because it renders the entire issue to be fraudulent in the eyes of others.  I also have an aunt who was murdered, so I know both sides of the issue. If one is going to oppose capital punishment and go about protesting it publicly, it does no good to blame the governor of ANY state for an offender getting put to death. I am only going to use TX as the example here, but other states also have the same limitations because there was a day when the mob was buying off commutations for their family members who were incarcerated for murders.

First off, in the State of Texas, the governor only has the power to issue a ONE TIME 30 day stay per offender on death row. ONE time only! That’s it! He or she can recommend a sentence commutation but CANNOT order it.  That has to go through the Texas Board of Pardons and Paroles. 98% of the time, they do not commute depending upon crime which got the offender sent to death row.  This is especially true if there are multiple victims of the same crime. They will not commute a sentence for such offenders.

Many other states have the same power structure in place to avoid the office of governor from becoming corrupted.  Now it is time to re-work the strategy about how to change things. It cannot be done by spreading lies and half-truths.  I strongly urge Hollywood writers to be careful when trying to make a change in any policy. Do your homework on every case. Look at what the juries saw/heard.  Make sure you stick close to the facts of the case even if there is a tendency to get too creative about holes in the story. Make sure the holes are addressed as HOLES!

However in order to even begin to change things, the very corrupt nature of the correctional system when it comes to addressing officer issues must change. One cannot clean  up a nation-wide issue until he/she starts with his/her own state.  There is a huge disparity between how male officers vs. female officers are treated by their employers about disciplinary issues, and I am quite confident that there is at least a 30 year-long paper trail to back that up–in Texas alone.  One will find the male will get a slap on the wrist 9 times out of 10 but the female will lose her job for the same offense.  If people want to talk about a “War on Women” there is where they should start.

…to be continued…

How to Manage Complaints–Literally…

After many complaints on various subjects, I have found that categorizing the complaint levels is a tremendous help: Cat 1: These have top priority so sharpen your wit and deal with them bluntly and honestly. Cat 2: General whining and such: Always answer with one word: “And?” especially if they are in your circle and you can do NOTHING about what they are complaining about. Cat 3: The ones that do not make sense. Answer with “Can you rephrase that please?” and MAYBE they will form a coherent thought that one can deal with and cause their complaint to make it from this “junk box” level to a Cat 2.

I have also found that most of the ones in the Cat 3 box tend to come at me when I am at various parties, or at the club.  And the people levying them as if trying to aim a gun without a sight on it, are too drunk to pull my trigger.  They tend to sound like the late Foster Brooks–only with speech less intelligible.

For those of you who do not know or remember who Foster Brooks is, here is a reminder!

Now if this were a post being made on a professional level, believe me, I would rephrase this entire post, but being that I am not making a work related video–except for those of you who work at the Texas Department of Criminal Justice, I shall refrain from all logic because at your place of employment, there is NO SUCH THING!  Have a great week, everyone!

In the meantime, here is some interesting reading fodder for those who seriously would like to check out the issues below…


It Is Time to Criminalize Bullying at School…

Yes…I have been quiet as of late.  I have contemplated this school bullying issue again and again.  I will say this and you can find out for yourself.  Take the time to look through a high school rule book in Texas and compare it to the rules for offenders in the Texas Department of Criminal Justice (which is in the offender rule book).  The similarities might shock you.

Why is it in schools they worry about the peach-fuzz Johnny is growing on his chin or the piercings Jenny has in her eyebrow but they say the bullying, which is actually either physical assaults or emotional abuse–not to mention cyber-bullying is a “phase”?  That, for lack of a better word, is bullshit.

The teachers are the “officers”–powerless to defend themselves and other students from bullies for fear of litigation or losing their job.  The Texas Youth Commission officers are not much different.  The administrators are like the prison wardens, only the prison warden has tools at his/her disposal to stop offenders from being bullied to the point of suicide and such.

Since the days of John Dewey, the school climate has drastically changed.  America has a growing population of gang kids and/or kids of hardened criminals rising up in the ranks of the students and they are creating problems on the campuses.  Family members often ignore or encourage the behavior, blaming everything on the teachers and admins or blaming the other kid (the victim).  When the hell did we start conditioning or students to be “good inmates”?  School should be a sanctuary for learning, not institutions for control and indoctrination.

The prisons have the Prison Rape Elimination Act in place to help protect offenders.  If society is so willing to protect them, why is it that we are failing in this nation to protect our children?  I think every parent who has a son or daughter being bullied should actually study the PREA.  The language in it is strong, but a new act can be drafted based on that to protect students from bullies.  Here are a few things I propose…

1.  Any time a student is found to have been bullied, the school must notify parents within 2 hours of becoming aware of it.

2. If a student has been physically assaulted, the bully is to be treated the same way as if he/she committed the crime of assault off-campus–meaning that being at school does NOT exempt students from obeying the law and does not give schools the option to NOT report crimes to the police department.  If they have to report child abuse when suspected in the home, then this should also be a requirement.

3. The school must report and prosecute all physical assaults and take measures to fully protect the victims of physical assaults of any nature, which includes sexual assaults.

4. Sexual assaults ON CAMPUS are to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law and if it occurs on school property, administration should have to fill out incident packets to turn over to police officers for use in the prosecution of  the perpetrator within 2 hours of becoming aware of the assault(s).

5. Victims of bullying should never have to be moved to another school for protection. It is the bullies that should be split up and sent to other schools at their parents’ expense. Hit the parents in the pocket-book, they will learn to control their children.

6. Any school official not reporting bullying incidents to parents and/or taking proper action against what amounts to be criminal acts should face automatic disciplinary hearings and possible loss of licenses from the Texas Education Agency.  This will stop a lot of these administrators from enabling and becoming complacent.  They should also be able to face penal charges in severe cases and civil charges in the lower degree offenses if not reporting them.

7.  The way I see it, their rights end where the next victim commits suicide over the issue.  In cases where it is found that parents enabled their son/daughter to torment another student, they should be fined in successive amounts for their negligence in each offense. Money collected from fines can be used to pay for supplies for needy students and uniforms (if schools require those).

8. It should be expressly stated in the act that no teacher or school official will face penalties under the law for taking appropriate actions to protect themselves and other students from those who seek to harm them during an incident.  This way they can step in to break up altercations and such.  The staff should not be expected to take beatings any more than the bullied child.  This would give districts some teeth in dealing with bad situations.

9. All teachers and administration officials will be required to take PMAB classes to learn proper ways of restraining violent, out of control students.  Parents will sign an agreement that they know teachers are trained in this and that if their student gets out of control, they can be restrained, releasing the district from liability.

10. Students with severe behavior disorders that require psych meds will either take those meds or not attend school until they do so. Parents will make sure this happens or face child neglect charges.

11. Students prone to violent outbursts will not be educated in the regular classroom after 2 outbursts, but will be taught in a separate classroom provided and monitored closely.  After 2 outbursts this will be permanent.  This is only reserved for students with severe behavioral issues.

12. The profession of teaching in the State of Texas will become an “at will” position in order to effectively enforce bullying policies.  This means when educators aren’t doing their job with these bullies, they can be fired without all the union bullshit. If failing to report assaults and such to the police and to the victims’ parents, they should face the same penalties for that as for failing to report child abuse.

Anyway, these are just ideas I’m tossing around in my head. What do you think?

I Support The Texas Coalition to Abolish the Death Penalty

I know that with some  friends and family, this is not going to be a popular announcement, but I have decided to join the Texas Coalition to Abolish the Death Penalty.  Usually, I will write or talk about it but it’s time I took a public stand for what I feel is the right thing to do and blogging is simply not enough.

Furthermore, I support that every state that uses the death penalty should be required to add an option for juries to select the “life without the possibility of parole” option in all cases that capital punishment is sought by the Offices of the D.A.’s around the country.  This way if it is not going to go away, it will be assured that the death penalty will only be used in the most heinous of cases, and juries can issue verdicts they can sleep with at night.

This will also take away the political division on the issue somewhat since unless there is another United States Supreme Court ruling to the contrary, the death penalty is not going to vanish in all 50 states any time soon.  The politicians will no longer be able to say “I support Capital Punishment” to get elected in those states because they will still have it. It is the people that will limit its use with such a provision in the penal codes around the nation, and that is how it should be.

Only offering capital punishment or “life” leaves juries in a catch-22. If they don’t want to use that sentence but fear that the person could go free under current provisions for a “life” sentence (since it really doesn’t mean LIFE), they will use the death penalty. On the other hand, if given an option of issuing life without parole,  many will not vote for the death penalty–especially in some of these cases we’ve seen in Texas where much of the evidence used to convict is circumstantial.

Anyway that is all I have to say on this matter. Even  some of my family members do not agree with me on this, but that is fine. We all have to stand by our own convictions and my conscience will not allow me to remain silent any longer.  I have come to realize that taking a person’s life never eases the suffering of a family member of a murder victim. There is no closure.  Even if the killer of my aunt were caught tomorrow, it would not matter if they decided to execute him/her/them because it will never bring her back and it will not stop other murders from happening so NO, it is not a deterrent.  There was a time when it might have been but that has long since passed.

It is time to change things. Life without parole is a lot more difficult than the death penalty is for an offender. Their suffering ends but that of the survivors remains so yes I do know what I am talking about.  As for those who wish to flame me on the issue, when you go to work for the Texas Department of Criminal Justice as a qualified executioner–get back to me…80%  of those who join in on the mob mentality would never be able to take a life themselves. Anyway, that is all I have to say on this subject. Thank you for your time.

Here is the link to the coalition’s website if you’d like to check it out. They are also on Facebook. Have a great weekend.

A Day in Huntsville, TX…View on the Death Penalty…

Having grown up in Texas, I grew up knowing that the death penalty is part of the fabric here.  Most believe an “eye for an eye” down here.  I can understand why being that I am the survivor of a murder victim.  I used to be for the death penalty after that happened.  I am not for it anymore.  I hope this will help people to understand why as this has even put me at odds with friends and family, but they do not have to live with it–I do.  Now they can deal with it.

I began working for the Texas Department of Corrections in 2006.  I had been a school teacher prior to that and can do so again.  For the first 3 1/2 years it was a good job.  There were times when it was dangerous–sure.  I didn’t dwell on it when I walked out of the front gate, though.  When one first starts, he or she feels a sense of purpose.  They feel that they can make a difference in that environment.  I handled offenders the way I handled students.  I gave them only what they were entitled to–nothing more or nothing less.  I also gave them respect because it was not my job to punish them a second, third and fourth time–if you understand what I mean.

They were sent there to serve their time by a judge or a jury.   THAT alone is their punishment.  However, there are officers who commit practices that I find to be unethical and cruel when it comes to dealing with these offenders.  Many do what I call “tag-teaming”.  This is when an officer will write a disciplinary case, and then his (or her partner) will write another one timed 3-5 minutes later.  I could tell by the way many of the 2nd cases were written that there is no way that the later offense happened, and as a sergeant, I am not about to jeopardize the safety of other officers because someone else in uniform is on a power trip–and yes it DOES happen.  When I tried to discuss that,  that is when the upper administration became a bit unhappy with me.  I never had a Use of Force because I knew how to calm these offenders down and get to the bottom of the issues leading up to the disturbances.  This didn’t set will with the administration either because it has been my experience that they just simply aren’t content unless officers go in with the cavalry and waste a ton of time an energy putting gas in a wing.  Many times it is not necessary to do this either. I know from experience.

Now I want to talk about a day of training in Huntsville for the Sergeant‘s Academy.   All of us who were newly promoted went to the Walls Unit, which is where executions are held.

Here is another view of the prison.  You will definitely know how it  got its name, but there are not many prisons that have real “walls” around them anymore.  Most of them have tons of barbed wire fences…This unit is more famous for an event known as “The Carrasco Incident”.   Here is a link for the story on that:

What the article doesn’t tell you is that when the offenders were coming down the steps with the hostages,  the “Trojan Horse” shield they had made from some chalkboards and such was to be hit with water from a high pressure hose to (hopefully) knock the thing down and expose everyone so the officers would have a clear shot at the offenders involved if needed.   People ended up dead when this happened because the waterhose failed (technical issue), but it caused the offenders to start shooting at hostages.  When it was over, several were dead.  As a reminder, the bullet holes on the steps of the library and such were never fixed.  The area was left “as-is”.  However there is one more thing Huntsville is more famous for and it is the executions carried out there, most notably (in our time) that of Karla Faye Tucker Brown…I find it ironic that everyone threw such a fit about her execution–but not over any other female who has been executed since.  I wonder what will come about if they do execute Darlee Routier?  You know–that woman they say stabbed her two kids to death?

Anyway, on this particular day, I got to see the place where those people were killed during that Carrasco Incident in 1974.  I also got to see the building where “Chief Satanta” jumped out of the hospital window  to his death.  He was another famous prisoner there.    And this article covers the how and why of his being there and dying there.  And his story was rather interesting.  I am part Native American so I tend to read stuff like this a bit…

Anyway, we were escorted to the “Death Row“.  In the movies, they always make this place look bigger than it truly is.  I am surprised that they could get a gurney in and out of that side gate they always show because the opening is barely wide enough for a person to fit through.  We were first shown the cells they are housed in.  One has sheets, blanket, and such.  Offenders can have magazines.  They spend their last hours in these cells being prepared for the inevitable.  There are a few myths that I will dispel here though.  They do NOT get the last meal of their choice unless it is on the menu.  In other words, these offenders are not going to get treated to a Ribeye steak with all the trimmings.  That is not served in a Texas prison.  The way it is viewed is that if the taxpayers are funding it, they will get whatever the prison can make available on the unit–not go out or their way to give the offender what he/she wants.  They can receive calls.  If they behave, they can stay in the comfortable cell–but if not, they are moved to a cell that has absolutely nothing but a toilet and sink in it–and if they are acting really whacked out, they get stripped and can only have what is called a “suicide blanket”.

Contrary to the rules, they might be allowed 1 cigarette or a dip of snuff the day before, as they receive an explanation of what is going to happen the next day, unless the governor can issue a stay of execution.  Yes, its contraband, but it is allowed and Rick Perry does know about this–and so has every governor before him.  I mean, if they are going to die anyway, why raise hell over that one thing?  The state cannot take more away from them at this point anyway.

NOTE:  Contrary to the note the writer of  “Coyote on a Fence”, Bruce Graham,  put out–a Texas Governor only has the power to issue a ONE TIME 30 day stay per offender.  That’s it.  They cannot commute a sentence either.  That is up to the Texas Board of Pardons and Paroles.   The governor doesn’t make or interpret the laws.  He does only what our state constitution allows–and that IS the one time 30 day stay.

In fact, the reason that the Governor’s Office no longer has that power goes all the way back to the period from the earliest days of corrections to the 1960’s.  People “bought” pardons (and what amounts to slave labor) right and left in many states–Texas included, so that power was taken from the governor and, as mentioned earlier, it rests with the board of Pardons and Paroles.  THEY are the ones that should be getting the hate mail and such if a writer wishes to engage in that type of activity.

Anyway, as we toured this building, we realized how SMALL it truly is.  Check out this picture of the execution chamber:

The angle of this shot leaves a lot to be desired as far as detail.  It does not show the microphone that his hanging directly above the gurney.  See that little square on the left and the window?  That window is what the executioner is standing behind.   There is a window on the other side where family members sit in two separate rooms–very small ones.  The rooms are limited to only a few observers.  To illustrate how small this room really is–here is a clue.  The arm piece is only extended to the right in this picture, but there is another arm on the left.  That is the one the IV goes into.  The IV is ran from behind that window through that little square and inserted into the offenders arm by another medical professional.  If they cannot find a vein in the arms, it goes in the neck or foot or something…They will find a vein, believe me.  The drugs are given manually through the IV tube one at a time to ensure the right effect in the right order.  You do not want to see an offender conscious while going through this–I promise you that.   The room is very tiny and green.  There is only standing room for about 5-6 people in it.  I’ll put it to you this way, if one is claustrophobic, this will set them off in a panic attack.

You have seen how in the movies that the drugs are automatically injected via a machine right?  Not so in Texas.  Why?  Because sometimes they malfunction.   The executioner is a medical professional who always remains unidentified.  Lawyers have tried to get court orders to make the identities of executioners public and get copies of where the drugs used are purchased and the court refuses both requests every time because many of the offenders executed have gang members on the outside that would kill the executioner or blow up the place where the drugs are acquired, so it is common sense (rightfully so) that the identities are NEVER revealed.  I fully agree with that.

They also wrap the hands of offenders in ACE bandages once strapped in so that they cannot shoot the finger at the victim’s family members or make signs of any kind.  However seeing the place changed my mind about supporting the death penalty because I started thinking about it closely and one thing came to mind.  Even if they caught the person who killed my aunt and I had to witness this, it would not bring me any closure because her space at the table would always be empty.   It would also wreck  another family.  Not all offenders’ families are into the crimes their loved ones are being sent to death for–but I’ve seen how they get blamed for the crimes also.  They are losing a loved one also–and as an officer, I can fully empathize with both sets of family members on an issue like this.  They are not to blame for the actions of the offender and it is time for society to back off of the blame game.

After being strapped in they are allowed to make a last statement if they wish.  Once the drugs are injected, it is over within a few  minutes–usually.  It sounds simple but it really isn’t.  There are other issues that would have affected me as an officer if I had to deal with that.  First off, there is no glory in taking a life.  Sometimes it may be necessary to do so, but when a person is killed in this circumstance,  there seems to be a mentality among other officers who do not work on a death row unit that does not resonate well with my inner being.  They will actually cheer in shift turnout when it is announced that specific offenders (usually child killers) are put to death.  Regardless of what they have done–the dead should always be respected.  Even the worst of people among us should not affect us in such a way that we become like some of them actually are–cheering over a life being taken..  Some of them rejoiced in the free-world when they committed their acts, so why would officers lower themselves to this mentality? I don’t know but it does happen.

It is this “gang mentality” among officers and supervisors that really troubles me.   I can watch “The Green Mile” and fully understand the intentions of all but the idiotic officer–the one that didn’t wet the sponge…Get my drift?  The others officers portrayed were definitely more “humane” than that character was.  I think it is tougher on these offenders if they have to live in a prison than to die in one.  They always have to look over their shoulders for “Bubba” or “Big Betty”. Besides that, eliminating the expense of so many appeals would cut a lot of costs in this country.  Think about it.  We might need “less lawyers”.

Either way, I know now I could never work in a unit and aid in taking a life like that.  It is one thing to shoot an escapee because they pose a direct threat.  It is another to have to work in that environment and see other people rejoicing at the taking of another life–regardless of whether or not one thinks it is justified.  To me to cheer when a life is taken and such is just another example of how working in that environment can really have an effect on one’s  mentality.  I chose to walk away from that. I chose a normal existence again.  For those working in that industry, I apologize if my views offend you, but what I  have witnessed entitles me to them.  The suicide and divorce rates are very high among correctional officers.  It is a line of work that affects one’s mentality in ways I never expected.  I got out of it so that I could get back to being “me” again.  Slowly I got there.

I can go to a restaurant and still have to sit to where I can see the exits and even police officers I know understand why that is.  At least I don’t look over my shoulder every time I turn around like I used to do.  It is definitely nice to be called by my name rather than  “Sarge” or “Boss Lady”.   It is also nice to know that I no longer let that line of work affect me as it did in the past.  As I said, I almost went right back into “recluse” mode.  I worked around (depending upon the unit) 500-2500 reasons not to trust anyone in the human race, not including some of the officers and administrators, that’s for sure.  There are many good officers, but I can assure you there are others who are evil to the core–and some of them make their way into administration.  I can never be a part of that negative environment again.  I saw much more than I have depicted here–and I don’t care to see it again.

The Facebook Page that turned me around…

The weekend is coming and I know a big change is coming for me as well.  I can’t say “what” or “how” I know–but this feeling is never wrong!  I started working for the Texas Department of Criminal Justice in 2006.  I went there because I wanted to make a difference and since I have left it, I’ve been told that I have, so leaving it made me feel a  lot better about my decision to leave it.  When I became a supervisor it wasn’t long before I saw problems with the pecking order on my unit.  Therefore, I have no regrets. 

When I was younger, I hid in my room a lot.  I didn’t go out as a teenager much (if at all) and when in college, I wasn’t that much of a social creature either.  What made me that way is a long story which I won’t go into, but I avoided theaters and concerts for the most part.  I did watch old movies with my father or my mom…To me those films represented an era that I could only ever dream of being a part of.  My childhood was a rather turbulent one, which I won’t detail here–but it led to my attitude.

I was keeping company with my teachers more than my peers because, quite frankly,  kids my age drove me nuts.  I could not see the logic in some of the stuff that went on as far as my peers go.  Besides I hated cliques with a purple passion.  Therefore, I kept few friends and I trusted very few people.  I don’t get invitations to class reunions either because I became more free with my opinions. I do not think anyone is better than anyone else, but I detested how they formed cliques and treated others who weren’t “pretty” or “athletic”–and was quick to let them know it…  

I was also bullied quite a few times.  Once by a coach who made a comment about how women don’t “usually go around shooting themselves because they don’t want to mess up their looks”.  The whole class waited for my reaction since I had just come back after missing school due to my stepmother committing suicide when I was 14.  I damned near quit school then.  Had my dad been less stubborn about wanting me to finish, I would have quit rather than deal with anymore BS. They said this coach was out-of-town and such so he just wasn’t informed,  but he worked for DPS in a neighboring county–where her body was found–so I find it hard to believe to this day sometimes.  However, me being me, I dropped it and took the high road–literally.  I picked up my pen and furiously created more worlds and killed more bullies there than anyone would ever want to know about.  I also ended up in the counselor’s office for things I’d pull or write…

I goto picked on all through school and took the high road. One day a boy in the Junior class saw me writing furiously and asked me “Who are you going to kill today?”  Look at this pic below…I swear it’s how I looked only I had black eyeliner on too…I simply looked at him rather coldly and said, “I dunno…Maybe you.”  Five minutes later I was in the counselor’s office again.  He laughed because he knew I made that kid sweat bullets.  He also saw through my front and knew it was my way of telling them all to screw off.  Anyway here’s the pic:

Now picture this: JET BLACK hair, dark red lipstick, black eyeliner and eyebrows--and the Uma Thurman "I'm gonna kick your ass look" and you'll have my look from 1980 when my Dad wasn't watching...


And people I grew up with  wonder WHY he didn’t like for me to go around ANYWHERE when payday hit!  In 1981, he wouldn’t even let me go see “Chariots of Fire” so like a bonehead, I sneaked out at 8 o’clock–when he  passed out…I went to the mall of Abilene and blew my paycheck on clothes and he never noticed.  I stayed pissed for three years because he wouldn’t let me go see the “Rocky Horror Picture Show” or “The Sex Pistols” too…AC/DC was definitely out of the question…To him, they were all devil worshippers…Hmm…I was a devil myself when I got mad back then.  Read the bullying blogs about what a few girls and I had to deal with and how we stopped that problem for us…

I wasn’t a violent kid, but I knew when and how to fight back.  I stayed reclusive for years.  I went to church and went home.  I didn’t go to theaters or anything for a very long time after graduation.  I may have went once or twice in the 80’s and once in the 90’s.  I hated “Star Wars” but loved “The Wrath of Khan“.  In fact I think in the late 80’s or early 90’s I saw “Pet Cemetary” at the insistence of my ex.  I never went again after that unless nagged and for those I slept through them and pissed my sister off.  I love her but I hated theaters.  They are just too damned loud most of the time.  Now I carry cotton to put in my ears.  I can hear it in normal mode then…Here are a couple of stills from the best damned movies from the 70’s that I did go to AND liked:

You can't say crap about the 1970's without mentioning "Billy Jack"...This trilogy had a lot to do with my outlook later on...He STOOD for something good!


And this one was simply FREAKING FUNNY!


Well as I said, I skipped Chariots of Fire in 1981–the year I graduated from High School.  I went to college and marched in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in New York City that year.  It was also when I got to go to Radio City Music Hall and see what was behind the Christmas pageant backstage–live animals and such.  I then realized that the trip was for the sponsors and not us…We were told that we had to go to some other attraction.  I said, “Screw that! I’ve been up since 3 a.m., marched that parade route in 18 degree weather twice and have been out all damned day! I’m going back to the hotel first chance I get!”  I ducked away from my group near the hotel and started to double back.  I bought a pretzel and asked a woman where I could find a place where it was nice and quiet.  She pointed to St. Patrick’s Cathedral. I promise you I stayed in that slice of Heaven for an hour.  I missed my hiding place on the roof of the garage where I could stare up at the stars and just simply wind down.  I was also very, very tired.

I went to the hotel and went to my room and crashed.  None of the chaperones or the band director realized I wasn’t there.  😀  I got back home 3 days later and was relieved to be there.  Shopping at Macy’s and such was fun, but I just wanted to go home.  My birthday was November 25 and I wasn’t home for that either.  After that–I went right back to recluse mode.  One might think I’d have enjoyed that experience being out in “the world” for once, but I still feared dealing with crowds and such–and made myself go.  I was pressured to sing in choir too and hated that.  I don’t know why, because they liked it, but not me.  I almost ran off that year to California  to join a punk rock band. 

Instead I went through 2 bad marriages, had 3 kids, got a degree, etc…I also became worse when it came to being reclusive.  I trusted no one–especially NON family members.   In 2006 I went to work at a prison…Strangely enough, I felt “safe” there.  Why I do not know.  I had a knack for calming offenders down and dealing with some BS.  But I realized after becoming a sergeant and a failed relationship that I was slipping back into my recluse mode.  I wouldn’t even go home when I was off.  I hated being around people. I still have trouble with it.  My sister and my mother can’t understand it, but my Grandmother did. I told her EVERYTHING…Now she was gone. 

Anyway I got bored to shit one night.  I was going bat shit crazy at 3 a.m.–working out and such.  I got to thinking about things I used to watch when I was a kid and started surfing the internet.  I came across and Adam-12…I got a kick out of watching that.  Then I started playing around looking for more shows I watched when I was a kid.  I saw “Dark Shadows” on there.  I didn’t realize I’d clicked on a remake, and almost started to surf again, until I realized the first episode was a movie.   I couldn’t freaking believe it!  This show was DAMNED good!  Then I started paying attention to the cast in it…I noticed an actor named “Ben Cross”. 

I talked to an old classmate on Facebook and asked her if she ever heard of this guy–like a dumbass.  She said, “That’s the guy in “Chariots of Fire”–you know, that movie our group went to see at graduation and your dad wouldn’t let you go so you decided to be a shithead and go to Abilene without us?”  My first response was “The What of the What?” because I called her while I was half-awake.

“Oh…Yeah…I remember now.”  I told her.  I only preferred older movies until I saw this.  I felt–and still feel it was well acted and such and it reminded me of other stuff I would watch–even though I wanted to kick Angelique’s ass–and always did–even when I watched the original in kindergarten.  I viewed her as a bully. I still do.  Ben made Barnabas bad ass!  As much as I loved Jonathan Frid as a kid–I really liked how he made his version of the vampire a bit more realistic. 

From there a chain reaction began.  I later found his Facebook page.  Then I saw a link to a site on his page that said “flaurena” and started getting jewelry from there.  It didn’t click that this was his daughter at first, but she made pieces (custom pieces) for me that reminded me of where I came from.  I began looking into my family tree and my Native American heritage as a result.  Hell I think she probably knows more about what I’m thinking than I do when I get her to make pieces for me!  Here is picture of one of them:

Well I can't rotate it, but take note of the circle and the feathers...Then the colors. I wear this when I go to the mountain to meditate a lot too...

I promise you it is much prettier in life than in pictures.  Sorry I can’t rotate the thing!
I quit my job at the prison as I said earlier and returned to teaching in 2010, but I also buy a lot of  Ben’s work.  The brat pack really didn’t do much for me, but I know if I had gone to COF then, I would have liked it.  I have a much more positive view of the world now–and am much better for it.  I also found my purpose.  If it had not been for finding that link on, I would still be in recluse mode–shutting out the world.  I get out more now and explore things now.  It’s as if I am enjoying a life now I couldn’t seem to get when I was younger–but I am much better for it.  I am also a lot wiser. 
More importantly, I picked up a pen again–but I am not using it to escape from the world and kill off the bullies, I am using it to try to make a difference as these small things have made in my life.  I am grateful that they are around, and I am grateful to my teachers because they have been in my corner all these years and I never realized it until I began talking to them.  They gave to me.  It’s time for me to give back.   And these two people were the ones that helped me get my head out of my ass after all these years and start doing something different with my life.  If you are in a rut now, I hope you find your way out too…Have a great weekend!
I really am grateful to have come across them…Sometimes I call them the “father-daughter tag team”…LOL 

That father-daughter tag team I get a kick out of!

My next goal is to get to Peru or Costa Rica–whichever I can get to first!