I’ll Stay Single, Thank You Very Much…

When destined to be alone  it is totally best to revel in the solitude. In order to truly appreciate it, all I have to do is listen to all the couples I know when they fight over dumb crap and be glad that I don’t have to deal with their dilemmas.

I am very serious. Every couple I know either got together out of some sense of a need for a living arrangement or they got together because of outside pressures that “they’d be good for each other”. I am sorry but any relationship that is not based on a mutual attraction in the beginning that leads to some sort of pseudo commitment with no love  is nothing but a lie in the making and if there is any love whatsoever, it is usually one-sided. “Arrangements that make sense” are just not my thing. That’s a business arrangement not a relationship.

These are the same individuals who think my life is “broken” and needs “fixing”. No thank you. I spent over half my life married and have no desire to commit to anyone again.  I have no interest in meeting the person one thinks would be so “good for me” because in fact that is being based on what is good for THAT person engineering this whole thing in his or her own mind. To that I would say I am not you. I have my own needs and desires and if I go out with anyone it will be of my choosing, not yours. If that person is so good to you, then dump your significant other and go out with him yourself…I’m not interested. Capiche?  I feel like I’m being pimped out when someone tries to set me up like that and I totally detest it.

Every couple I know fights over money, or the fact that one has to work long hours to make the money to pay for that house or whatever the other person wants, but then they get mad because they feel they don’t get enough attention once the novelty wears off of the relationship. Relationships take work. I learned that a long time ago. After two strikes I’m not going for a 3rd. Unlike a contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” I know when to take what I’ve got and walk away. I’m not willing to kiss any more friggin’  frogs and I’m not looking for a prince because to me there is no such thing as real, romantic love. If there were, there wouldn’t be so many bloody divorces…

Here is the PERFECT singles ad for me if I were going to put one up: “Hey guys! If you are looking for a woman who looks like Cindy Crawford, cleans like Alice on “The Brady Bunch” and cooks like Julia Child, you are shit out of luck with me.”  At least I can say I am honest. I do not need anyone to “take care of me” and I certainly don’t need a partner to validate who I am.

Ladies (and Guys), If You Want to Rid Yourself of a Would-Be Suitor… *Snickers Profusely Here*

Alright this was inspired by a friend I went to school with…I’m not giving her name or anything but I have been in this situation myself so I’ve decided to share some things to get rid of that persistent “would be suitor” who wants to take you out but you have NO interest in him or her.   These can easily be adapted for men’s use against persistent females, but just change a few names up…

For example when a guy says to you in a theater where there are plenty of seats available but he comes up to you and asks, “Is this seat taken?”  You already KNOW what time it is–especially if he tries to introduce himself and shake your hand.  All you have to do is grow a pair and say, “No and this one is about to be available as well.”

If he’s one of the overly persistent pain-in-the-ass types, just say, “No and this one won’t be either when you sit down.” OUCH!

Guys, just act like your cell phone is ringing and your wife is calling–or better yet–pretend you have a boyfriend.  Cools the persistent stalker girls like the church lady in Six Feet Under really quick. If you’ve never seen it, you need to get someone to show you the church scene where Michael has to tell her to get lost!  Why? I can’t find the damned clip of it but if someone else wants to share it, feel free!

Now for the next scenario. A guy comes up to you, introduces himself and starts really pushing himself to get a dinner date with you, making you feel really uncomfortable.

For the women you only have to say one thing, “Sure but I think you should know that I am Betty Broderick‘s half-sister or I’m Aileen Wournos’s lost daughter.”  That should make you a real hit if they bother you at work too!

If he says “Who?”, just say, “You might want to Google that.”

Men, just say, “I’m Charlie Manson‘s (or Ted Bundy‘s–insert your favorite serial killer’s name here) bastard son.  Are you sure you wanna hang around me?”  Make sure you get that “Michael C. Hall from “Dexter” look about you too when you say that–IF the lady keeps stalking…

*Now I am going to go have my cup of Mexican Hot Chocolate and laugh profusely at the absurdity of life!* LOL

After all if life is a joke, are we not waiting on the punchline?

Oh and if you’re wondering about that “Dexter Look”–here…This is probably his funniest kill scene too. Watch this clip (and it has adult language in it so don’t let the kiddies see you watch it! ) :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8taUxqSRsDg

Funny how I’m giving advice on how to get rid of a prospective date in less than 10 minutes…